how can I motivate a retired husband

Have had similar issues. I am quite happy that we do our own thing but think it not unreasonable to expect DH to keep himself active for the benefit of his health. Any health issues he has are exacerbated by weight and inactivity and I think it only fair that he endeavours to keep himself active and able for as long as possible. It's a case of 'use it or lose it'.

We do lots of stuff together too, walks, cinema, U3 conferences, concerts, etc- and that is good. But due to the long hours already mentioned- I learnt to be very independent and get on with it- the only way. I actually really like the idea we are not constantly velcroed at the hip- it would drive me crackers.

OH having worked such long hours all his life- I did worry that he would get bored once retired. But not a bit- he has re discovered his passion for photography, digitalised all his slides, taken up balnc and white photography and developing again- learnt to play the accordion- and so much more.

But... as he worked such long hours (and despite the fact I worked full-time too) - it's always me that has done the gardening (he cuts the lawn and used to cut hedges back home- and they were very long, high and wide- so a huge job)- and the decorating, house, etc.

We are decorating now- ooops, NO I AM decorating now- and he comes up from time to time with the odd comment, inspector like. He knows he will get away with it- as when on the odd occasion he has agreed to 'help' he (accidentally and absolutely on purpose I am sure) made such a pig's ear of it- that I am better doing it myself. Hmmm and grrrrr- he is too clever for words that man. I hate nagging - if I need someone, I'll call a professional and give him the bill. Easier.

I leave him be! - why not? After a lifetime's hard work, why should he not spend his retirement as he wishes? Yesterday the sun was shining and he spent the day in a blacked out room watching films on our big screen - a crazy waste of sunshine in my book, but who am I to judge?

I would love to do more things as a couple, but I have learned to go to concerts alone, shopping, clubs etc. I don't find it a problem.

I just noticed this thread, and when I read the opening words I thought I must have written them myself and forgotten!!!!

Yes, I've got one too. He has lots of hobbies, including astronomy and photography, but has no motivation to do anything. Aches and pains and various health problems contribute of course, but in the end there is nothing I can do. I've tried, but I've given up.

I go to my U3A classes, walk the dog with a neighbour and her dogs, do my gardening, various sewing and craft work projects, and enjoy the internet. We have both been retired years, and are aged 70 (me) and nearly 72.

To add insult to injury, there is less and less worth watching on the telly - probably 'cos we have no interest in most sport (apart from cycling), cooking, so called reality programs, BB, and American sitcoms. So when the news is over, there is often nothing much to watch.

But luckily we both love reading, and read both real books and books online.

There IS life after DH's retirement, but not as we knew it!!

I probably did Ana, at the height of my frustration! Memory must be going. I know they take me for granted, but since he`s been ill, the family seem to think I should be mollycoddling him, but he won`t even exercise the way he`s been told to, and I think he should do more, but he never has done, and now he has the perfect excuse, with the backing of the kids.

Didn't you post that anecdote on another thread, numberplease?

Honestly, you really need to get things sorted. They're taking you for granted.

An example of my husband`s ways. The other week I went for my hair doing, leaving everything out his and my daughter`s breakfast (they still weren`t up), including teabags and milk in each of their mugs. I didn`t get home till ten to two in the afternoon, they both said they were starving, I asked why they hadn`t got themselves something to eat, they said "we didn`t know what you`d got", this the day after Asda had delivered the weekly shop! And to cap it all, they hadn`t even bothered to make a cup of tea, the cups were still there with teabags and milk in them!

Shortbread how long have you been living with my husband and why have I only just found out? The bit about not answering the phone and not liking visitors sounds so familiar! Admittedly he is ill now but, to be honest, he has always been just as bad. I've just got used to doing my own thing and working round him.

have to agree with Ana Ruthy24M the alternative is not nice......enjoy his good points whilst he is there, put his bad points in a box and forget about them

My thoughts precisely
With so many GNs bereaved, caring for poorly DHs or single she should definitely count her lucky stars, he does much more than my DH. If only!!

I agree that you certainly should count your blessings, Ruthy24M!

I can't see why you are frustrated Ruthy, you say he does all the cooking,, washing up, brings you a cuppa in bed -what is your problem!!
You go out to NT properties together, lucky you! There are GNetters with husbands who cannot or will not get out and about and certainly do not do the lion's share of the work at home! Let the poor man have his computer games (did you mean Patience?) and if the heavy work in the garden is too much for you, suggest to him that you get some help in.

Harygran. What a lucky person you are. My husband has been retired 10 months. He hated his job and could not wait to retire. He had promised me that when he retired he would catch up on all those jobs he had no time and energy for. He loves being retired but just wants to go out,which I am happy to do , we are members of the National Trust. Or sit at the computer playing pachance hour after hour. We have a large garden which I love and have been happy to manage while he was working,but at 71 I am finding it hard going I am so frustrated. I think perhaps I am being unreasonable ,he does all the cooking and most of the washing up he beings me coffee every morning in bed and he makes me laugh. I think perhaps I should count my blessings.

I have exactly the same problem, my OH retired some 10 years ago and I am still working full time. In fairness he does look after the domestic side of things, e.g. housework etc. but to get him to do any activity together as a couple is hard work and doesn't happen unless I organize it. He has no hobbies, has lost interest in the garden, DIY - its less hassle to get someone in to do it. I look at other couples and envy their togetherness which we seem to lack and I dread holidays. Family gatherings are not his thing, inviting people to our home has to be carefully negotiated, work gatherings I gave up on years ago. I look at my interests and work to keep me sane and social.

Best of luck, Shortbread, and all you fedupwithhubby Gransnetters.

Nonu - I am reminded of two of my mother's sayings - "If you don't ask, you don't get", and "What did your last servant die of?"

palliser, Gransnet is for grandfathers/dads as well and, in fact, we have a fair few members who are male.

I have the same problem. I have come to the conclusion that it is selfishness on the most part. Mine does not answer the phone or the door unless he absolutely has to.

We live in a lovely part of the country but he never wants to explore. I retired three years ago and since then apart from the annual holiday and shopping he does not want to do anything. If you have friends ,make the most of it and do stuff with them, I do .

Is your man depressed? Is there a Grandadnet? WOuld you get a dog? Don't laugh. A dog is hugely beneficial socially, physically and mentally.
Forty years of structure and contact with people and then not having that is not going to be adjusted to quickly. He does need to consider you too. I'm not suprised you are fed up. Get him making wine. Hope you give an update in a few weeks.

nfk don*t ask him then , that will surely shut him up !

My DH considers it to be nagging if I ask him to do something twice!

My husband just calls it nagging............and ignores me!

Nagging worked for me!
I was afraid my DH would just put off starting a hobby so I nagged him to start building his model railway (always his ambition). I was worried that he would get into the habit of just reading the paper then play endless patience on the computer. I know it seems harsh but if you don't start hobbies and make plans straight away and set yourself a purposeful routine I think you are likely to get depressed later. Now, as well as his model railway building, he plays accordion, gardens, enjoys photography and does his share of the housework, etc. I know I am bossy but it was for his own good (and my sanity!)