Public outpourings of grief

Agree with thatbags.

I am pleased somebody said it as it was just what I was thinking.

Yes, "always look on the bright side of life" is very popular apparently at the end of funerals.

Also "you are my sunshine".

Never heard "wild thing" at a funeralMust be how she wanted to be remembered!

Things change though don't they and people show respect in different ways.

At one time you would never hear a pop song being played at a funeral but I have been to two recently where this has been the case. Incidentally one was for an old lady who wanted "Wild thing" played as the coffin went behind the curtains at the crematorium.

In France we often pass by arrangements of plastic flowers where someone died- and I always say to OH and family- if I die in an accident, don't you dare to that to me!!! I hate plastic flowers with a vengeance. Plant a tree nearby perhaps, why not (but not too close to the road for safety, and to stop owns and raptors getting killed by using it as a post).

No, they are trying to show respect, it's just the way we show it has and is changing. It just is not the British stiff upper lip tradition.

I think that's the point I've been struggling to make Bags. Thanks for putting it so clearly.

We are very judgmental about other people's behaviour, aren't we? Do we really think that people lay flowers or soft toys, or applaud the passing hearses of killed servicemen and women because they want to be disrespectful?

I am sorry to hear that; it never happened when I was watching the news. Applause seems totally out of place and certainly before Wootton Bassett became something of a circus those attending seemed to be silent and respectful.

It did Absent on several occasions the crowd clapped the cortège as it passed and we all remember the roses that were thrown or placed on the cars.

I think the respect shown to the repatriated soldiers by the people of Wootton Basset was profound and deeply moving. It certainly didn't involve applause.

Can never understand why people stand clapping when a hearse goes by, surely it is more respectful to stand quietly with bowed head? I know that, in the case of the Armed Forces, perhaps it is applause to pay homage to the sacrifice they have made. However, it is noticeable that old soldiers of the Royal British Legion stand with bowed heads on such occasions.

Master of the soundbite.

I think Blair has a lot to answer for .
When he stood up that Sunday morning and called her the "peoples princess" it just seemed to open up a floodgate !

I can understand that someone might think that it was appropriate to leave a teddy in memory of a dead child, though I still think it's daft, but for an adult? I'm pretty sure that started with the death of Princess Diana. Kensington Palace seemed to be under an ursine siege.

I think I'm getting to be an old codger because when I see on the news people taking flowers to a place where some horrible tragedy has occurred I just think "what a waste of money" give it to charity. I don't mind a ribbon or flag but not flowers. I tell my lot if you can't be bothered to give me flowers while I'm alive don't bother when I'm dead. That'll save em a couple of of bob.

I hate the forgotten bunches of old, old flowers tied to a lamppost or a railing where someone has been killed in a road accident. I saw a proper little shrine somewhere recently - can't remember where - and that looked OK.

Just don't get it- at all. It always seems obscene to me, and such a huge waste in so many ways- giving some money to a related charity seems a million times more appropriate.

We call them cellotaphs. After the Diana flowers I felt there should have been a flying squad of emergency florists who could Do something rather like the floral carpets seen in Brussels or as in well dressing. I so dislike seeing those poor soft toys sitting out in all weathers.

Yes. A few bunches of flowers at the scene of a local accident is one thing, and understandable - we're talking huge piles of bouquets and soft toys in more high-profile cases, with mothers urging their toddlers to add to the mountain and sometimes obviously hoping to be interviewed by the ever-present reporters.

Like many of us, I find the idea of teddies being left to rot in the rain rather than given to, for example, the nursery a dead child has attended, very wasteful, and I hate to see the flowers covered in uncompostable plastic.

maxgran, you reminded me of my father's funeral. When we were in the car following the hearse through the streets of the small town where he lived, a gentleman took off his hat as the hearse passed, and I found that very moving, which surprised me. I felt very touched at the politeness from someone who was a stranger to me.

After funerals at our church the hearse has to cross a main road just after it leaves the church to get to the cemetery, and either the undertaker or sometimes a police officer stops the traffic. Some of those who have been at the service follow the hearse on foot across the road and for a little way further. That seems to me to be very dignified and a fitting marker to say "Here was someone who was important to us".

Living rather off the beaten track and not having a telly, I suppose I'm spared the melodramas. Perhaps that's why I don't mind the idea of flower and teddy tributes.

I remember those days, too, grannyactivist. Maybe there's something in the need to connect with death in a public way, given that the protocols of mourning have changed.

I think there's more to this "public outpouring of grief" that seems to have taken hold recently. Given that grief is a personal and private emotion experienced by those nearest and dearest, how can random members of the public claim to be grieving? I can understand sadness, and the need to empathise in some way. But there is something rather mawkish in the need to be seen to be emoting in full public view. It makes death into a drama in which people feel they have to play a part. And to be seen doing it.

It reminds me a bit of those charity fundraisers who run/walk marathons dressed as Minnie Mouse or bedecked in ribbons when a simple donation would have served just as well.

It's all about them, isn't it?

It's a good post, ga, and it helps me to understand what is behind the flower and toy tributes of today. It still isn't something I'd do but I can understand other people wanting to. Death is important.

Grannya - my parents funerals did leave from what had been our family home, and where mum continued to live until a matter of 3 weeks before she died. It was comforting to us that the neighbours all stood outside waiting for the cars to arrive - we were inside making cups of tea, of course. Didn't think your post rambling, but then, given mine, how could I ?

Not quite sure where I was going with that last rambling post except to say that there has always been some sort of public observance of death and that the out working of that simply changes over time perhaps.