Public outpourings of grief

I am sorry to hear that; it never happened when I was watching the news. Applause seems totally out of place and certainly before Wootton Bassett became something of a circus those attending seemed to be silent and respectful.

We are very judgmental about other people's behaviour, aren't we? Do we really think that people lay flowers or soft toys, or applaud the passing hearses of killed servicemen and women because they want to be disrespectful?

I think that's the point I've been struggling to make Bags. Thanks for putting it so clearly.

No, they are trying to show respect, it's just the way we show it has and is changing. It just is not the British stiff upper lip tradition.

In France we often pass by arrangements of plastic flowers where someone died- and I always say to OH and family- if I die in an accident, don't you dare to that to me!!! I hate plastic flowers with a vengeance. Plant a tree nearby perhaps, why not (but not too close to the road for safety, and to stop owns and raptors getting killed by using it as a post).

Things change though don't they and people show respect in different ways.

At one time you would never hear a pop song being played at a funeral but I have been to two recently where this has been the case. Incidentally one was for an old lady who wanted "Wild thing" played as the coffin went behind the curtains at the crematorium.

Yes, "always look on the bright side of life" is very popular apparently at the end of funerals.

Also "you are my sunshine".

Never heard "wild thing" at a funeralMust be how she wanted to be remembered!

Agree with thatbags.

I am pleased somebody said it as it was just what I was thinking.

I think I was trying to reflect on changing attitudes rather than making a criticism. Perhaps some oldies feel uncomfortable with the "modern" way, although I must admit I am often in tears especially when it is a child we hear about. But I think donating to that little child's nursery or a donation to the NSPCC would be better than a pile of rainsodden teddy bears - they are not going to help him now are they?

A donation to charity isn't going to help the dead person either. Yes, I know it might help someone else but the focus is on the person who has died, and their relatives, for these memorials, and why shouldn't it be? Whether one would like it for oneself is completely and utterly irrelevant. You wouldn't know anyhow even if such things were "inflicted" on you after you died.

I think I'm saying stop bloody moaning about something harmless and which may actually be of comfort to the relatives of dead people.

I feel quite ambivalent about some aspects of public displays of grief and am appalled at mentions of 'grief tourism', but I know what a comfort they can be too. When my son in law's coffin passed through Wootton Basset I was there - and so too were many other members of his and my daughter's families. Only a small number of family members are permitted to attend the official repatriation ceremony and so we met up with wider family on the roadside at WB. There was a huge crowd as several coffins had flown home that day. Unasked and unexpectedly, but most welcome, my local branch of the RBL had turned out in force to pay their respects. Family members from all branches of the family were there, so too were dear friends, many having travelled long distances. They came to process their own grief and to show solidarity with us. It meant more than I could ever have imagined before that day.

I would far rather see people showing they cared than the ridiculous stiff upper lip which I have always thought to be very cold and unfeeling.

GrannyA Solidarity from family and friends mean so much at times like this, as indeed does the sympathy of other well wishers.

A charity fund in the name of the diseased person, for a charity known to have been supported by the departed- would imho be of much greater comfort to the family, I personally feel. So no need to swear thanks.

The sight of wilted and rotting flowers and gunged up rotting teddy bears would be absolutely soul destroying to me, and the worst possible illustration of the realities and waste of death. Each to their own, I'd say.

Thanks to Bags, again, for putting my own feelings so much better than I could have.
GrannyA thanks for your memorable post about your very personal experience x

Time and habits change, of course. However, I think I would find people applauding as they looked at the coffin of someone I love truly distressing, regardless of their intention.

I have to say that I think people applauding a coffin is a mark of respect !
God forbid that I would find myself in this situation , I would not think less of the people applauding .
In fact I think I would take comfort in it . That people have turned out to "salute" a loved one!

I am certainly not moaning thatbags, merely commenting on our changing attitudes to grief. Other nations have always expressed their feelings in more overt ways than the British - perhaps that is better than our traditional stiff upper lip, perhaps better for our mental health? Let it all out rather than bottle it up. As long as it doesn't upset close family even more . I used to wonder what the young princes felt when their mother died and they were forced (by public opnion and Blair) to go and shake hands with crying people who had never met her. Princes, yes, but poor kids!

And, I still think little children should be shielded from extreme emotional outpourings of grief.

I think it is some comfort to grieving families to feel they are not alone and that others mark the enormity of their loss. In the past organised religion played a greater part in people's lives and people may have come together in prayer in church, lighting candles etc. but even if people are not religious , they still have a need to mark the death of someone who has touched their lives. Children cannot be completely shielded from the facts of life and death unfortunately. Laying flowers or mementoes fulfils a need that we all have to comfort each other and ourselves at a difficult time.

No, not completely, suzie, but gently in a way suitable for their age.

Pity then the children of Syria then, and other war zones. No chance of them being gently introduced to the idea of death. What protected lives our children lead.

You're right Aka and it's heartbreaking.
My two foster sons have seen and experienced things that no child should ever have to deal with, including the death of their mother; but perhaps because of their familiarity with death and their Afghan culture of openly grieving they seem to be relatively unscathed. Children and young people are amazingly resilient.

Thinking about the OP, I have no problem with public outpourings of grief, but a lot of the cellophane wrapped, teddy bear depositing, sobbing outside Buckingham/Kensington Palace wasn't grief. Sadness, perhaps, but grief is a profoundly personal emotion.

So the title of the thread is wrong and that's all.

thatbags because YOU feel a certain way, and maybe some others on here too does not mean that you are right.Don't take threads personally is what I am saying or try to get people to think what you think. We all have our own opinions, and in the case of this particular thread there is no wrong or right and it's pointless to keep saying more or less the same thing over and over, trying to get more people to agree with you.I said what I thought pages ago, am amazed this thread is still going, there is nothing left to say UNLESS somebody new comes to it.