Denied Contact? How to move forward?

Last Autumn I planted lots of little daffodils under a cherry blossom tree for my grandchildren, they are out now and looking so lovely, a little ray of sunshine. Happy memories.
What ever happens in the future they will always appear in the Spring, a sign of new beginnings and joy.

Minty you're right on both counts.
I now have a better understanding of why my daughter chose to cut herself off and yes, I'm reassured that my grandchildren are doing well.

You're absolutely right Minty it is the unanswered questions that gnaw away at us. Maybe one day we'll get some answers and they'll help us to leave the past in the past and move on.

I hope and pray that my little gs is being raised well; I've no reason to think other wise and if he is, it's a testimony to his father's own positive upbringing. Thanks for that Minty for you.

grannyactivist,
It is interesting isn't it that somehow when a question is answered we can lay it to rest a bit better.
It is the unanswered questions that can gnaw away at us.
Our adult children are just that, adults, and if they have to make their own mistakes and their own decisions, but it is also reassuring when we find out that our grandchildren are being raised well.
Must mean that we brought our children up well ourselves!

My daughter cut contact with not only me, but her siblings and all of my family. It was very sudden, with no warning signs or prior disagreements and followed quite quickly after her divorce. A few days ago, by a rather circuitous and unintentional route I found myself on a FB page that my ex-husband had posted on (neither his nor my daughter's page). It was actually quite a shock as I have had virtually no contact with him since he left except for arranging a couple of meetings for him and my daughter when she was in her teens and meeting again at her wedding. What was more of a shock though is that my estranged daughter had responded to a photo he had put up of himself and their exchange centred around me: "the witch" as I was referred to. I have sometimes conjectured that she was influenced by her father at that time, but suddenly it was like a light bulb had gone off. Since the divorce my daughter has idealised her father and when I stopped rescuing her financially I know she turned to him. It is obvious now that she made a choice to have her father in her life at the expense of her relationships with me and my family - and I can only say that it's a relief to know. In a strange way I actually feel less hurt because it was an obvious (for her) choice to make. My daughter's relationship with me got 'stuck' in her teen years when my relationship with her was about love tempered with discipline and I got a pretty normal teenager's response. Her dad was all 'there, there, here's a cheque -your nasty mother doesn't understand', but as he lived at the other end of the country he had none of the frustrations associated with normal teenagers growth and development. So the question of why she cut us out of her life has now been answered and I don't think I can expect or hope for a change in the current situation. From what little I have gleaned over the missing years my daughter is making a pretty good job of raising my grandchildren and I am content with that knowledge.

Minty, I so agree with you. For such a long time, I used to try to speak to my other DD and my DS about how terribly sad I was about not being allowed in their sister's life. They weren't able to comment much, and now I really do think that this was from their loyalty to her, however they may have felt about the situation. I do remember one day when I'd been particularly upset, and my son looked me in the eye and said, "Mum, you do still have me, remember?" It shook me up a bit, I think.
Also, as you have said, Minty, I couldn't have made derogatory comments about my estranged DD, either. I love her too much.

When a decision is made to 'walk away,' is that wrong?
Is there actually an answer that fits all? I don't think there is.
Just re-reading all of the posts on this thread just show how everyone is different in their approach to being denied contact.
There is of course lots of sadness, grief, loss, and some anger and bitterness that comes across.
For myself I have never and would never publicly say derogatory remarks about the person who has denied contact. What would it achieve?
Absolutely nothing.
Apart from the fact it is a public forum and can be read by everyone, would I want to read such remarks about myself by the other party?
No. Certainly not.
I think there comes a time when we have to think about what is the wider affect on other people who are close to us, could we possibly loose them too because we are so saturated with the separation from our grandchildren.
It isn't about forgetting them, that will never happen they are in all of our hearts forever, no-one can take that away.
It is for me, about caring and loving those around me and being able to be part of their lives and not to be consumed by grief.
So no, for me it is not wrong to make the decision to walk away.

Good thinking Whenim all suggestions welcomed. When I'm ready I could may be do that pop star thing and be known as 'the poster formerly known as Smileless'; problem with that though is it's too long.

Hubby has just suggested Prints

It's good to read your positive comments, smileless. You'll be needing a change of username before long!

Thanks for that Iam64 I'll take a look at that thread. I've been a lot better since re joining a gym and going 3 times a week; physical exercise and meeting new people has certainly helped. for your kind words and to celebrate the first official day of spring.

Good to hear you are having better days Smileless. You are right, it's a slow, painful process but my experience is it's better to work on focussing on the positives in our lives while working on letting go of negative thoughts and patterns of behaviour. That doesn't change anything and only leads to further rumination and that takes so much energy yet achieves nothing. The thread on mindfulness and depression is interesting. So many people seem to benefit from yoga, breathing techniques, relaxation techniques. I'm one of them, I'm relieved to say. Hope you have a good day tomorrow Smileless

Well done smileless sadly in our situation the bads days will happen but hopefully we will have more good ones than bad!

Is painfully hard for me not to react to the lovley photo, especially when now discovered our daughter has blocked her rather and godparents who she was extremely close to it seems a retrograde step and makes me so sad. I can only presume it was to prevent us seeing the photo !

It backfired for her but it does not make me happy and just wish so muchn she who'll talk to us and give us a chance to put anything. Right.

Sadly that looks very unlikely.m. Will keep door open Always but have to protect.my health and sanity will be her making next move. 5 years to trying so hard and not one reaction.

Had a lovely day out shopping with my s.i.l. today. We chatted about all sorts and laughed at nothing in particular. Haven't seen her since just before Christmas and when we parted she said how she'd enjoyed our day together and how much better I seemed in my self.

On the drive home I thought about what she'd said and realised that I am feeling better than I was. It's a slow and painful process but I am moving forward . Yes, I do have my bad days and sometimes feel as if I'm taking a step backwards but that's OK because if I can take two steps forward the following day at least I'm still moving in the right direction aren't I.

Thanks stansgran I have save it and printed it, a friend just checked for me she must blocked me and now her dad as she still on there, how cruel expect she did that before putting picture on! However by chance we found it as she did not realise her dad on F book, cannot understand how or why she can be so cruel. Is lovely photo so now we know what younger 2 look like.

Would you be able to keep the photo? If you had never seen the baby ,I mean if it was on the web could you get a print of it for yourself?

I agree is best to be as positive as possible, I have accepted absolutely nothing i can do, still gave me enormous shock to come across photo of my grandaughter mollie recent one and the other one never seen plus new baby!

Seems as soon as I try so hard to be strong something comes and knocks me down !

Exactly, Minty! It is corrosive.

We need to remember that coming to terms with any loss, and being apart from a grandchild is a loss, does not happen over night, it takes time.
There are phases that you will and need to go through.
I don't personally want to read lots of literature written by 'experts' telling me how I should feel, when I know only too well how I feel, but others do get great help from this sort of thing.
There is no one size fits all, what works for some will not work for others.
For me, I am not going to let negativity, bitterness, anger, blaming, rule my life.
Negativity festers to such an extent you can't see any positives.

Marelli that exactly it. It takes time to come to terms with it, to work it through in your mind. But for you to have had a reconciliation and then have it all withdrawn a second must have been heartbreaking

Tiger, it's taken me a long time to get to this point, and I have to say, I didn't think I ever would. But I can't let something that I know I can't change, destroy me. It just takes time to come to terms with it.

Thank you Marelli for giving us the chapter number you were referring too. I'd actually made a note of chapter 12 as one to read, but haven't got that far yet.

You're right Minty it is the children we have to consider in these terrible situations. I haven't seen my gs since he was 8 months old; he was 2 in January. I don't even know if he's aware of our existence; I doubt it as any cards and small gifts we leave for him are always returned unopened .

Thank you Tiger for your informed insights and thanks to all who have posted on this thread today. It has been most helpful and uplifting to share with you all.

Would say at sadness level not really depressed which is my biggest fear as have history of it, I had excellent counselling for a year after it happened, sadly he retired, have seen others not so good.

I a getting close to accepting not damn thing can do about it.

Still do t understand how it can be positive??
Thanks tiger for trying help

Celebgran, I have an academic psychology background, I teach and I'm currently doing my PhD. I'm not going to go too much into my profession because clearly there needs to be a degree of anonymity, but I have also worked with traumatised service personnel, which throws up a lot of challenging issues as you can imagine. I also sadly have personal experience of family breakdown and bereavement from a lot of different angles. It has been an unfortunate legacy my family has perpetuated.

How do you become more positive about your situation? Hard work, hard work, hard work. Any form of change is scary but you can do it, it takes commitment, courage and perseverance to get through the tough times. Have you seen a counsellor? Or talked to any professional? Sometimes you just can't get through things on your own, you need a guiding hand. You wouldn't try to fly a plane with no experience so why would you tackle your own emotional well being, which is much more important, without help? It's hard work and often gets worse before it gets better but change can happen. Where do you think you are on the grief/change cycle?

Marelli is a great example of positive growth. Her insights are so useful.

Thanks for mentioning the Kubler/R bereavement cycle. I have often felt that estrangement is like a bereavement. A bereavement without the healing that comes with the healing passage of time. I want to add for Aka at this point, that I am so sorry for the loss you spoke of. I acknowledge that loss is very different to the loss of the relationship you thought you had with an adult child, who may live close geographically, but is on the other side of the world emotionally.
The loss of an adult child as described in this thread, and the COOTL threads, is a different kind of loss. There are none of the recognised social structures or rituals, to help you contain and begin the long process of coming to terms with your feelings of loss, denial, anger, bewilderment and so on. As others have said here, whilst your adult child still lives, there is always hope of some kind of reconciliation, or resolution, whatever that may be. Constant ruminating on hurts, and developing fantasies of some magic reconciliation or resolution, are not helpful, or healthy. Celebs earlier question about what happiness is was a good one. I will probably wish I'd reflected on that for longer but I do believe that we will be best served by living our lives well, compassionately and with love for those around us. Spending time with positive people, with whom we share stable, supportive and loving relationships is very important (for me anyway). I love walking, and find it meditative and relaxing. I have some hobbies, none of which I excel at, and I love the garden. After my parents died, I took some cuttings, dug up some snowdrops, and put them in my garden. The snowdrops are out now, smiling at me. I have a garden ornament that came from mum's garden, and planted a beautiful, white hellebore next to it. It flowered at Christmas and still looks glorious. I was lucky to have a loving mum and find some consolation in watching the things from her garden appear in mine.

Well, I didn't stay away very long did I? Sorry about that.
I am so pleased to read so much constructive posts and to read the posts from Sycamoretree it is good to hear this issue from a different point of view.
To try and understand a little better how we find ourselves in this devastating situation it is vital that we hear both points of view.
Whether you are a grandparent denied contact or if you find it necessary to deny contact we have to listen to each other to try and find a way through.
What is quite interesting is that as far as I can see, but I may well have missed something, we are focussing on how this affects the adults, I think we should also look at the affect this is having on the children.
We are the adults we can make decisions and choices but the children have no control at all.
For them they still love Mum,Dad, Granny,Grandad, Aunty,Uncle and cousins whatever is going on in the adult world.
So I am sure everyone does but to take time and look at the whole issue of family breakdown through the eyes of the children is also vital.
In fact for me it is the most important thing.