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About moving

(26 Posts)
Cressida Sat 05-Apr-14 12:30:36

My mother died last year and once her bungalow is sold I'll have a third of the proceeds to buy a house. I currently live in a rented house and claim housing benefit. Houses are relatively cheap here so I would be able to buy somewhere outright.

My younger son lives in a midlands city about 3 hours from here by train & thinks I should move near him. I've looked for possible places but there's nothing I could buy outright. The only possible option seems to be shared ownership which would mean I'd still have to claim housing benefit.

My eldest son & DIL have just taken over the pub that has been in her family for about 60 years & they're very busy. I had hoped to go and see them during the easter holidays but they're too busy to be able to pick me up at the station.

Youngest son says that if I stay here I'll never see eldest son because he'll be too busy with the pub. If I were to move near him then he'd be able to take me when he goes to see them. Mind you eldest son would still be busy with the pub so I wouldn't get to spend much time with him.

I would love to be able to see more of my grandchildren but I'd also like to have a home that was all mine. I can't afford a home near my son but I can here.

They all drive, I don't. Is it unreasonable to expect them to come and visit me here?

tanith Sat 05-Apr-14 12:37:37

Realistically if your son can't even find time to pick you up from the station then he's not going to find time to visit. Only you really know which is more important to you, peace of mind or time with your busy family, not an easy choice I agree.

Lona Sat 05-Apr-14 13:11:29

Can't you move near to the pub, then you could see that ds and the other ds when he visits his brother?

Cressida Sat 05-Apr-14 13:13:42

Sadly I'd need a lottery win to be able to move near the pub sad

Nonnie Sat 05-Apr-14 13:15:14

It seems to me that you have analysed the problem quite well so just have to make the decision now.

HildaW Sat 05-Apr-14 15:13:47

Cressida, shame they cannot offer you a bit more emotional support instead of just telling you what you should and should not do. I'd be inclined to choose an area that has as many decent public transport connections as possible that I'd actually will enjoy living in.

Cressida Sat 05-Apr-14 16:13:28

One of the advantages of staying here is that there is a demand responsive bus service. I can phone and arrange for a little bus to pick me up from home and take me where I need to go.

It was a godsend when my mother was in a care home 40 miles away. I'd arrange for the bus to pick me up and take me to the bus station in town. I'd then catch a service bus to the next town where I caught yet another service bus which would take me to the town where the care home was. It took me 3 hours to get there but I could do it & as I used my bus pass on all the buses it cost me nothing. The service runs until 7pm so I was able to use the little bus to bring me home from the bus station.

I don't think there is a service like it where #2 son lives so I'd be reliant on him or on taxis.

HildaW Sat 05-Apr-14 16:33:57

Cressida, just my opinion of course but I'd hate to be reliant on someone who begrudged doing little favours.

Sounds like you had a hard time coping with your Mum's last years and you could do with a bit of TLC yourself. I think you already know the answer to your questions....stick to what suits you best and what you will be comfortable with.

FlicketyB Sat 05-Apr-14 16:44:26

Cressida I know you are independent but my example of a care home may ring bells.

My uncle lived 150 miles away from me. When he had to go to a care home his Social Worker advised me if at all possible to find one in the town he had lived and worked in for over 35 years because he said his friends would still be able to visit him, my uncle suffered from depression, not dementia. I took his advice and during his six years in the care home, he had a number of regular visitors, who shared his passion for Arsenal, or had worked with him or lived in the same road and shared the gossip.

I could only visit monthly and I would usually have lunch at the care home. One day I was chatting to another lady on our table and casually asked her how she enjoyed being there. 'I hate it here', she said. It wasn't the home she hated but she had given up a home and friends 200 miles away to live near her son and family on his encouragement. She moved, looking forward to seeing more of her son and grandchildren. Now she was there, they hardly ever visited. She was miserable, missing friends, home and familiar places

annodomini Sat 05-Apr-14 16:58:03

I live quite a distance from my sons' families. As the children get older they have accumulated more and more weekend commitments - Scouts, ski club (yes, in Berkshire!), swimming, etc. If you have growing GC, cressida, it's not realistic to expect many weekend visits. I make good use of my senior railcard, as I'm not driving long distances these days. However, I'd agree that you'd probably be happier living where you are known and where you have roots. Better the devil you know...

Mishap Sat 05-Apr-14 17:17:42

The most important thing is to establish your priorities. Is it important to you to live in a house you own outright? - would that provide valuable peace of mind? Do you want to be near people you know and activities and social contacts that you have developed? - or do you fancy branching out and meeting new people? Is contact with sons and GC a priority for you?

Then you need to move on to thinking about the sons and what their role/contact might be.

When I look back on the middle childhood years with my children I really was so busy - I had a part-time job as well, and OH was on duty for the majority of the time. We really found it very hard to get to visit either set of parents, so do not think you should take it amiss that they find it hard to travel to visit. Thy are in a busy phase of life.

mrsmopp Sat 05-Apr-14 20:59:08

I get the impression you'd prefer the security of your own home, paid for outright, for peace of mind. If you have friends around you too that would be a bonus, and you know the area well.
It could be a mistake moving to a strange area which would be more expensive for you, only to find your family is too busy to spend time with you.

I have a friend who moved to be nearer her daughter &family and after a short time her son in law was promoted and off they went. My friend couldn't afford another move. But I also know someone who moved for the same reason and they are all blissfully happy. Each case is different.

If your family is going to give you a warm welcome and involve you in their lives I would say go. If not, stay put. The last thing you need is a disastrous move. Ask yourself, 'Where will I be happier?'
Good luck.

TAB12 Sat 05-Apr-14 22:03:21

Cressida the answer is no it is not un reasonable to expect your sons to come to visit you.

You have taken care of them their whole life and it really is time for a bit back now. But we all know it does not always work like that. Un fortunately our off spring can be selfish and a little self centred.

And quite horrid that your eldest son is just too busy to come and collect you from a station!! words fail me, I mean to say, its a good job you did not feel that way when he needed picking up from school!

My advice to you is follow your heart smile

Sugarpufffairy Sun 20-Apr-14 21:46:12

This is an interesting topic. I spent many years caring devotedly for my elders and now they are all gone. I moved hundreds of miles to be here for them as I knew they would never have moved to me.
I have been ill for the past few years and my children who live 4 miles and 10 miles from my house hardly ever visit. I am thinking of moving away because I no longer like the area the family have lived in for 50 years.
I am scared to move to a place on my own, I do not have a dog or children at schools, to open the chance of conversation. I do not see the point in staying where the neighbours are rubbish, and I am reminded all the time of the people who no longer live in the house. I wish I had the courage just to move away and start a new life. It is not so easy as we get that little bit older.

Deedaa Sun 20-Apr-14 22:39:05

I would think carefully about relying too much on your sons Cressida . My children live very close to me but pressure of work and children often means than planned visits or outings don't happen.

After all if you buy a house now you could still move nearer to your son later if you felt that would be better.

Sugarpufffairy would moving back to your original home be an option? You might still have to make new friends but the area would be familiar.

Sugarpufffairy Sun 20-Apr-14 22:53:10

Hi Deedaa
The house I am living in just now is the home my parents took on over 55 years ago before I even started school. The home I had prior to taking over the family house (inherited) is a flat which has many stairs up to it. With my deteriorating health and increasing age this would be a very temporary solution. I would not move to the place I lived in which is hundreds of miles from here as this is a very remote area and does not have a fully functioning hospital. People are flown by Ambulance Plane to hospitals. Given my health this again is not a real option. I do agree with you that it is not a good idea to make our decisions based on what our children say or want. We were people before they were born and we will be people again. We are in trasition just now!

mrsmopp Mon 21-Apr-14 15:32:55

Sugar the advice I would give you would apply to anyone. If you are not happy then please do all you can to change your circumstances. We live once and it sounds as if a move would be the best thing for you. It doesn't sound as if you have a lot of friends where you are, if you are in a remote area.
Do you have any ideas where you would like to live? Maybe you could rent something to see how you get on. But don't let things slide. If you have health problems and are depressed as well it's not good.
Are you lonely? It's not good for you. You also need better medical facilities. Is there anyone who can support you through taking this step?

rosesarered Mon 21-Apr-14 15:44:41

I think the ability to buy a house outright for yourself would take priority from where your sons live. They have busy lives, like all of us used to have, and you could use public transport to visit them if you wanted to, or they could drive to you.The peace of mind you would have of owning your home, and of staying in an area that is known to you, would overall be the best.Good luck cressida.

Cressida Mon 21-Apr-14 16:11:18

I won't be moving near my son. Once Mum's bungalow is sold I'll buy a house here. I can get somewhere that will be suitable for me now and in the future. I will definitely have more peace of mind knowing that the house is mine and I won't need to rely on anyone's help to go places.

#1 son did say that he would pick me up at the station if I wanted to go and see them. It was DIL who said he would be too busy over the Easter holidays. He was out when I phoned. DIL did say she could drive here with the children so hopefully that will happen. Alternatively I could arrange to stay a couple of nights at the Premier Inn near #2 son and they could take me to see #1 son & family.

Anne58 Mon 21-Apr-14 16:22:24

I hope all works out well for you, Cressida

Cressida Sun 03-Aug-14 11:49:08

Just thought I'd update you. The sale of Mum's bungalow went through a fortnight ago & the solicitor is winding up the estate. My daughter and I have been keeping on eye online for potential houses to buy and a couple of months ago one appeared that would tick almost all our boxes and we really liked the look of it. We resisted the temptation to go and look at it before the sale went through in case we loved it and it sold. Anyway we viewed it on Friday and it's just what we want. It needs more work than we originally thought but there are grants available that will cover some of it. We put in an offer on Friday which was rejected. Yesterday morning the seller accepted a slightly higher offer from us, grin

Moving to Leicester was a definite non-starter as the only way we could have got a place there would have been to go for shared ownership of a small flat. The house we've offered on is an Edwardian terrace with 2 reception rooms, bathrooms upstairs & down and a large kitchen. My daughter is extremely amused by the fact that it is probably twice the size of her brothers house grin

Nonu Sun 03-Aug-14 11:59:35

Thanks for keeping us in the loop CRESS, hope all goes well for you !

Anne58 Sun 03-Aug-14 12:01:39

So glad it all worked out for you, how much work will be needed? Perhaps you might be able to stay in your current home while the worst of it is being done?

Cressida Sun 03-Aug-14 12:46:54

phoenix we'll be able to stay where we are until the work is done.

We don't know yet just how much will need doing but it looks as though it needs rewiring, new exterior doors, a new kitchen and possibly windows replacing. It should qualify for an Empty Homes Grant for most of the work (not the kitchen). We don't know yet about the insulation but as I'm on Pension Credit & my daughter is on ESA we should qualify for any help needed to bring it up to standard.

We'd like to turn the downstairs bathroom into a shower room but that might have to wait. (although I suppose I "might" qualify for a Disability Grant to do it - worth a try I guess)

papaoscar Sun 03-Aug-14 15:58:43

What a sad thread this has been. If adult children can't be bothered to help the parents who've brought them up they should be ashamed of themselves. Sadly, this problem is all too common. One solution might be for affected GNetters to move closer to each other and help each other out, in the true spirit of Gransnet. What a fine time we'd all have, far removed from dependency on reluctant sons and daughters!