the mother from hell

Crossed posts, Ginny.

If I were you I would start making plans now for MiL's future (talking to her about it, of course) If you feel that living with you is not on, then could she live somewhere where she gets companionship when you are not vising her?

If you are actively making constructive suggestions - and being honest but not brutal about loss of space and freedom - you could work something out between you. If you leave it as vague hints, you could find yourself in an emergency situation and making hasty decisions that everyone will regret.

Every situation is different, Ginny so do not assume that your MiL will become a nagging pest and take over running your life when she is widowed - and who knows, it may be frail FiL who is left to your tender mercies.

The best thing is to mentally put yourself into the same position as the person you fear is going to become a burden and an irritation. Just what is their life like, or what will it be like? What would you need in the same circumstances?

Imagine what it is like to be them. Has their world been turned upside down recently, and the ground shifted beneath their feet by losing one half of their life with the death of a long-loved partner?

Are they having difficulty planning their own life and in need of support and companionship while they reconstruct? I know that it is not easy, and I am only 75 and in good health with a loving family.

Do they need a support to help them through problems or a whipping-boy for everything that is wrong in their lives?

Do they have a full life, with a lot of stimulation and contact with other people, as well as you?

What is their health like?

Sorry if I've misunderstood Ginny

Aka That is exactly what we will and are doing. I was simply saying that she has already made hints about how she wants things to be done. I have health issues of my own and other family to consider. Both of them are visited regularly by us and our daughters and welcomed into all our homes.

I think there's a world of difference between a bullying old woman and one who is about to lose her husband Ginny. I'm not suggesting you should take your MiL into your house but I do think you should be reassuring her that her son and his family will be there to support her through this transition when her life-time partner is no longer in her life.

My M-I-L ( who I get along with reasonably well) has already told us that she will not be very good at living on her own. F-I-L is becoming frail and has heart problems. I hope it is not a omen of how she thinks things should go. We are happy to visit, and help out where we can and include her or both of them in family gatherings but this thread has shown me that we will need to set boundries and expectations. Something that is best done from the start.

If you can't tell her to leave off, as you are an adult - a granny I presume - then take more drastic action. You say you live in the same street ? Move . I'm not being flippant but something or someone has got to give. Has she controlled you all your life? Why is it that we accept really bad behaviour from a member of the family but we wouldn't from say a close friend. Why does being in a family give people carte blanche to act like total tyrants. If a friend acted this way you'd tell them to sling their hooks. However, you are letting a little old lady rule you. It's ridiculous it really is , I'm going to be really honest here and please don't take it as an insult as I don't mean it to be BUT grow a back bone and tell your aged but not infirm mother to behave herself and mind her own. You'll feel better for it. You never know she might respect you for it - if she doesn't who cares? Remember she probably needs you more then you need her.

Isn't it amazing how hard wired we are to look up to and love our Parents. Took me 40 years to realise my father loved no one but himself (another story). With anyone else other than a parent you would have run a mile by now.
Silverfish - try not to let it upset you so much, your Mum almost sounds scared, that's often why people lash out. Try to let her criticisms wash over you if you really do not want to confront her. However a calm......'look Mum I love you but........ etc etc' might have some effect.
Does she really have no idea she upsets you? If she does it knowingly then I am not sure she will change. You will just have to smile sweetly and turn a deaf ear. I'd not recommended not visiting as the guilt that develops can be even worse.

On the other hand if she is doing all this knowingly and is still trying to control the way you live your life then you just might have to state your case along the lines that, Yes she is your Mother and yes you do love her but NO she is not to tell you how to live your life. If any visit becomes a battle just calmly say you are leaving but will be back. Try to step back from the emotions she arouses in you - if you can stop feeling judged (and she has no right to judge you) you will feel more able to smile and ignore it.

Aka As you say, it doesn't sound like a recent medical condition, but there could have been something that triggered the change 20 years ago that hasn't recurred. My mother only had the one incident and lived incident-free for years afterwards, but the effect on her personality was permanent.

Agree that venting on GN is a big help, and it that makes this a bit easier to put up with then great. It doesn't however change the situation but if she's willing to live with that then that's her choice. After all it has been going on fir twenty years and therefore not likely to be a recent medical condition.

Silverfish has done something about it. She's vented her feelings on Gransnet. A bonus would be if she at some stage felt able to tackle her mum about this. But she didn't say she wanted someone to give her advice as to what to do, and I think talking about a problem often helps even if no action is taken.

Silverfish I really feel for you, I had the reverse situation.

My mother was very, very controlling until she was in her 80s and she had a very minor stroke. It changed her personality completely and she actually became a much nicer person and, oddly enough, developed a keen sense of humour which she had never had previously. My DD and DS couldn't believe that she suddenly 'got' jokes and even made funny remarks! She became far more amenable and less accusatory and just generally more relaxing to be with than ever before.

Like your mum, mine had always had loads of friends, too, and played Bridge regularly and belonged to an art group. When she died, so many people commented on her being 'quite a character' and that she had 'very strong opinions'. People like that are often loved by friends, as they are outside the family situation, but 'characters' are very hard to live with!

As others have said on here, do you think there could be a health issue? Don't want to be alarmist, but possibly even a mini-stroke? Would she be open to the suggestion that she should have a health MoT?

It's so difficult, isn't it, especially when they have nice characteristics as well. If they were truly awful all the time it would be so much easier to do something, such as make a stand.

I hope you mangage to find a way to cope with all this

You said 'she never used to be like this'. So you meant over 20 years ago she was not like this.

It's up to you. Put up with it or do something about it. Simples!

Thank you all for your comments, mum has been like this for years, at one time we lived together and were more like sisters, then I married and she remarried and we both had jobs etc but in the 20 years or so since retirement she has been very controlling, her friends say they love her but admit she is very controlling. guess I have to just put up with it anything for a quiet life -that's me.

Yes gillybob it is easier said than done.I have spoken on another thread about my controlling mother and when like me,you have lived with it from a very young age it is a hard thing to overcome.I did it by moving away. Having done that I supported my mother in every way until she died aged 101,this was sometimes at the expense of my family,but I had their support and understanding, and I had my life back for most of the time.

I do know it is easier said than done, Gillybob - it is always easier to give advice than take it. Still, sometimes it helps to have the situation simplified by a stranger's point of view.

Speaking from experience it's easier said than done Rockgran.

It won't help to pander to her. You are an adult and entitled to your life and your opinions so tell her - pleasantly - that sometimes you must agree to differ. It doesn't mean you love her less, just that you won't be bullied.

Why don't you simply break the clothes airer?

I have seen controlling behaviour from all ages but I think it must be harder for our parents' generation because a lot of them stayed home and managed everything, meaning they had a lot of control. Now they are older and the children have flown the nest and presumably she is on her own, as there is no mention of your father, she is finding it hard.

I suspect to some extent you have allowed this to happen over a period of time so perhaps it would be kind to stop it over a period of time too. If it has come on only recently then it may be that you need to speak to her GP.

You said she has lots of friends, do you know them? Could you ask if they have noticed a change in behaviour?

Maybe you feel better for getting it off your chest.

I also meant to say that you can still care for her, and love her, whilst working with your own responses to her.

Only you can be in control of your life. Take it. This doesn't mean distancing yourself from your mother.
It seems to me you are very central to her life, whether she has the beginnings of dementia or not. Nod, agree, don't always answer the phone and then go about your life.
It seems to me you are a fish on the end of her hook. Only you can change this.
If this seems harsh, I'm sorry, but it is down to you. I feel it is too late to try to change her.
If you continue to alter your behaviour to accommodate hers, then your life will become very constricted, which it already seems to be well on the way to being.
Take charge.

Can you move a few streets away!?

Seriously though, she sounds an unhappy lady and it may be that there is nothing that you can do. As people get older their world shrinks and those things or people that are in it loom much larger. It must be a complete pain for you. Why not take 2 men home and do the job properly?

Dear Silverfish I also fear that it may be dementia.

A personality change like this at 83 might indicate something else, as Grannyknot suggests. Do you have the same GP?

Silverfish. Not easy to stand up to all this when it has been going on so long. How about taking little steps? Next time she tells you off for something, do not respond, just suggest a cup of tea or offer to do the washing up, so that she begins to understand that you will not respond to these issues. Get that new drier, give the old one to a charity or freecycle it. If DM says anything just say.'I wanted a new one, the old one has gone to someone who can use it'.

Take this strategy gently and do it as and when you can. You will get confidence in yourself to continue and evenif it doesn't stop your mothers complaints they will begin to wash over you and you can live your own life without worrying all the time about what she says.