How do I deal with this and am I being unreasonable?

Goodness, wouldn't every grandmother think that she'd be allowed to visit after the baby was born without having to wait to be invited?

It's a huge misjudgement to have a competitive relationship with one's DiL. If she's being immature, you have to be grown up and live with it.

Not whilst in the hospital, just having giving birth.
Turning up un invited. Not fair on the mother in anyway.

I had 3 days of labour with my first, i was in pain and i needed stitches. With dd2 i was sat in my own blood for a few hours after giving birth as i still had drugs in my system and was throwing up.

An un invited 'guest' would be the last thing a new mum needs.

"after the baby is born" is very vague. There's after and after. One hopes to be sensitive and non-intrusive.

Perfectly reasonable to visit your d-i-l and new grandaughter in hospital once the baby has been born. Don't all grannies do that, unless the mum comes out straight away?

A "hands-on" granny is one who is allowed to cuddle the baby sometimes and even - shock horror - change it's nappy!

Didn't know we were talking about your births ReadheadedMommy.

That is perfectly normal, i agree!...but only when you have had a phone call to say 'we are ready for visitors' OP said it was ok for her to come to the hospital..but she didnt wait for that invite. She just turned up.
The poor woman might of had her boobs out or wanted a shower before visitors.

As for changing the nappy and things like that...i had PND with my 1st and i acted alot like that
I cannot describe how anxious i was when someone wanted to hold my baby. I felt like i was itchy all over.
The constant pushing and people offering advice telling me what to do' made me resent everyone.
I felt smothered.

Maybe OPs DIL has PND and OP doesn't know?
If there isn't a good relationship there, she may not want you to know.
OP when you said about offering help to watch DGD when your DIL was tierd and she said you was calling her a bad mom? I did that. Alot. I thought i wasn't coping and when people offered help i thought it was their way of telling me i couldn't cope.

Ok this has turned very long! Sorry.

Try and bear with them. Having a baby is hard.

Take care, Redheaded.

Our local hospitals only give partners unlimited visiting, other relatives are restricted.
GD1 was 48 hours before we were able to visit and GD2 was 24 hours old but in each case I waited to be invited by the parents.
It is not healthy to want to be included in every facet of DC's lives, we didn't have our parents standing over us when we were having our children.

G'night all

Yes. I was a bit funny after I had my first. Bit over-sensitive. (and yes - I can remember! ) But this baby is eleven months old.

'night Bags

Crossed posts, harri. I agree entirely. Some GPs need to stop pestering.

No we was talking about all births? The afterbirth, the blood tests, the injections, the stitches, the pain, the bleeding, the 1st wee..maybe she had a c section and was on a drip? Or needed to pee in a bag?

Have you given birth?

Who, me? Three times.

After my son was born all and sundry turned up to see me in hospital. I didn't think they had 'a right' to do so but I was glad they loved me and my baby enough to bother. I certainly didn't think I needed to invite them. And after the birth of my daughter at home it was even more of an open house, and I loved it despite the fact that I had lost pints of blood and couldn't even pick my baby up for about a week.

I don't think many people on this forum would claim that grandparents have 'rights' but nor do daughters, sons, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law etc have any right to have parents and in laws that love them, gladly spend money on their children, give up their retirement time to child mind, travel across the country to see them and offer their help. It's called love, and being a family, and passing on that message to the next generation. Of course if grandparents are toxic, or over demanding, or unreasonable in some way then boundaries have to be drawn, but otherwise why can't we just enjoy one another while we have them. Many of those people who came to see me and my babies are now dead, and what I wouldn't give to be able to share one more day of that love. Thank goodness my children seem to feel the same.

harrigran I don't think the OP wants that. Not "every facet". Just wants to be allowed to be a granny.

Youre right jinglebells I dont know how soft OPs approach has been and I'm sure she can choose to ignore my comment if its not applicable.

Only commenting as someone whos been in a similar situation to try and help OP to maintain a relationship with her family, knowing myself how ugly things like this can get.

As with all thing on these forums we have to interpret and read between the lines, if I've misinterpreted then obviously thats not much help, but surely always the risk of commenting on such subjectiveissues. And I suppose allcomes down to different peoples opinions at the end of the day.

I got the impression that Bex visited not immediately after the birth, but after a while. I don't think the nursing staff would have allowed anyone in if the mother was having the problems or procedures you cite, RedheadedMommy.

Most of us on here have given birth...

good post nightowl.

(Four posts have appeared before mine - sorry about the time-lapse in my reply to RHM!)

You are right Betternotbitter. It is important not to close off any bridges (sorry if that's a mixed metaphor). Just seems very sad for Bex.

Night all. Jack Reacher awaits me in bed.

So you all must know what its like? What the new mum has been through?
And turning up, out of blue, is ok?


Betternotbitter, i'm with you. I was just giving advice after being in a simular situation. It got very ugly, it was emotionaly exhausting.

OP if you are still reading. Just take a step back, be there when they need you, build some bridges.

I have read this thread with interest, and am so grateful for the relationships I have with my children and their partners, having 2DGD one from my DS and one from my DD.....my sons partner has been delightful, and very welcoming to me in Berlin, despite getting over a broken leg, Cesarean and house move...

My DD lives an hour away, but I know if I am passing for work, I can pop in for a coffee, and they come down once or twice a month, and we have DGD over to sleep

her partners mum lives round the corner from them - they moved house 8 weeks ago and she still hasn't visited, nor has his sister who also lives nearby... I know my DD feels hurt, but is careful not to say anything to he partner and I just keep my counsel ... which is the hardest lesson to learn.. people in love are blind , and wont take kindly to comments about their choice of partner, however well intended, and this will often lead the to be defensive, and form a stronger pair bond united against the outsider... I tried to explain this to my brother who dislikes his daughter husband ( for very good reason..DV involved ) but in slagging him off disparaging him, makes her cling to him as a poor misunderstood person