How do I deal with this and am I being unreasonable?

Going back to the OP, I can understand parents not wanting others to buy their children "too much" for birthdays or xmas. Perhaps they felt that the gifts of nursery equipment and prams (prams, plural, for one baby?) was enough and didn't want to be made to feel beholden because of excessive gift giving. Perhaps they regarded some of it as junk/clutter.

What does the OP mean by "told off"? Re the taking pictures, for instance, was the picture-taking a bit in your face? Was the "telling off" just a remark that the mum found it annoying to have a camera pointed at her and her baby so much? I don't suppose we'll ever know.

If you are seeing your grandchild once a month or once a fortnight, OP, you're lucky. Enjoy it and stop complaining.

Enjoy it on the parents' terms too, not yours. It's their kid.

"They dont really have a relationship with any one in my family, they go and see my parents occasionally, my mother in law has only seen the baby twice. Her great great grandmother has never seen her. I would take her to see her byut they wont let me look after her. "

1) Have your parents or MIL gone to visit them? It's alot easier that way.
2) You want to take an 11 month old, who see's you once every 2 weeks, to a strange place with strange people without her mum? That is not what is best for the child.
3)Maybe arrange a lunch? Invite your SIL, DIL (and baby!) Aswell as your parents, MIL? Roast dinner, followed by cake and tea. You all get to see each other and get cake. Winwin.

Jinglebells frocks, you are so right about SILs --well, one of my two - .
Last week I was on the receiving end of what can only be termed verbal abuse, because I dared to ring my DD on a Sunday ,when it was 'their time as a family 'All I wanted was to find out when they could collect my GS's Easter present . It became clear that my SIL purely regards me as a babysitter, with no right to refuse if I am doing something else. I have fought hard to rebuild my life since my DH died , but it seems this is not allowed! Am I just being selfish?

Trendy no you are not being selfish, where does SIL get off from being so hateful to you.
It is not good at all !!

Hmmm

Why do they have to get so insular? They really don't need to cut us out to that extent.

And why do some son-in-laws have to think they bloody well know everything?!

trendy

I can't believe he made a fuss because of a phone call! He obviously has issues, but they're certainly not yours. (((Hugs))) to you.

trendygran

Thanks for your understanding, lovely flowers , wine and cake, Nonu, nightowl and jinglbellsfrocks. My SIL is a hard working A+E Nurse and is also studying for a Masters. I admire him for this, but his verbal 'temper' is in need of control. He often snaps at my DD and sometimes my GS(5YRS)(for nothing but she seems to cope with it. Apparently his Dad, who I get on ok with, also had a fiery temperament, but seems to have mellowed with age ,as far as I know.

All is not lost! Today I received a text inviting me to Sunday Lunch with my DD,SIL and GS tomorrow! This is a first, apart from Christmas! Maybe the telephone 'row' has finally made them think. I intend to go and enjoy my dinner. Such a treat to have one cooked for me .

Ooh, that's very good. Enjoy.

Perhaps they read gransnet trendygran!

Have a lovely day

That is just the best TRENDY , I am so happy for you.
Go and enjoy, as I know you will !

Have a lovely lunch - enjoy.

nightowl I wondered that too!

I thought maybe you'd put the frighteners on them jingl

Me? Never!

Have a wonderful lunch Trendy and enjoy every mouthful, you deserve it.

Reading this makes me realise how lucky I am with my two SiL who are both very polite and welcoming. Actually the third ex SiL was quite reasonable on that score too. I know it is not me because quite often I can be a pain in the butt and interfering, It just happens that their mums have taught them good manners and respect; thank goodness.

Going back to the beginning, wise old friend who is mother to two sons and a daughter assured me that you are always closer to your daughter's children than your son's, because of the differing parent/child relationships. Although DS lives 13 hours flight away and DD only ten minute's drive, I have found this to be true. Have good technology enabled relationship with overseas branch, but there is not the same closeness. Will be interesting if and when DS 2 becomes a father as his partner's mother died a few years ago. However I will wait and see and be ever so 'umble! Just hope for none of that awful hostility we have heard about on this thread. Perhaps it is a difference of viewpoint? But hurtful nevertheless. to all who are hurting.

My GC are the children of DS and we have a wonderful relationship. DIL is kind and considerate and I think of her as another DD

Harrigran that sounds great and is what I hope for in the future. I think it is very dependent on personality and I do get on well with my son's fiancée, so here's hoping!

I agree purple and*harrigran*.

If I were to have had children with my ex I know we'd have had none of the problems we had with my in laws (from a me an mil point of view, there were much bigger issues at play for us for dh and his parents that contributed to the breakdown in relationship) she was a lovely lovely woman who I had a wonderful relationship with I dependant of her son and I know that even though me and my mother are very close and thus she's close to my child, my exes mum would have been no less involved than her. Probably more so actually as she only had one son, whereas my mum has other children and grandchildren.

So there's definitely hope for paternal grandparents, it's not a blanket of doom!!

You have been given good advice Bex52 and I hope that it will be a case of, as rosesarered says "least said soonest mended". There is nothing you can do but hope that as time goes by the situation will improve.

Are you being unreasonable? Absolutely not, they are the ones being unreasonable. I am a 'grandmother' to a child aged 2 years and 3 months, who lives a 2 minute walk down the road and who I haven't seen since he was 8 months old. My s and d.i.l. were more than happy to receive the gifts and financial support given leading up to the birth of their child.

If we called in unannounced, that was wrong. If we 'phoned before hand we were putting them under pressure. If we did neither, we didn't care about our only gc. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

It's the most natural thing in the world to want to spend time with your gc and to take pleasure in buying gifts that, let's be honest, can relieve some of the financial pressures on new parents. There is no excuse for the way you're being treated and unfortunately this kind of behavior seems to be becoming the 'norm' for too many grandparents, and not just for the parents of the fathers, it's happening to parents of the mothers too.

The birth of a baby is supposed to bring joy to all family members and the friends of the new parents. Not just for the chosen few, but for all. All too often it seems these little innocents are being used at best to exercise control and at worst as weapons. Why should it matter if it's your D who has the baby rather than your DIL. It didn't make any difference when our sons were born, but my goodness it seems to have made a huge difference following the birth of our gc.

I hope you are given the opportunity to love and enjoy your granddaughter. You shouldn't be deprived of her, any more than she should be deprived of you.

A lovely lunch with my DD,SIL and GS (not forgetting the dog). No aggro of any sort and a pleasant conversation .Hope they DIDN'T read Gransnet!
Thanks again for all you supportive messages.

I'm so glad you had a good time with them trendygran.