How do I deal with this and am I being unreasonable?

(Four posts have appeared before mine - sorry about the time-lapse in my reply to RHM!)

good post nightowl.

I got the impression that Bex visited not immediately after the birth, but after a while. I don't think the nursing staff would have allowed anyone in if the mother was having the problems or procedures you cite, RedheadedMommy.

Most of us on here have given birth...

Youre right jinglebells I dont know how soft OPs approach has been and I'm sure she can choose to ignore my comment if its not applicable.

Only commenting as someone whos been in a similar situation to try and help OP to maintain a relationship with her family, knowing myself how ugly things like this can get.

As with all thing on these forums we have to interpret and read between the lines, if I've misinterpreted then obviously thats not much help, but surely always the risk of commenting on such subjectiveissues. And I suppose allcomes down to different peoples opinions at the end of the day.

harrigran I don't think the OP wants that. Not "every facet". Just wants to be allowed to be a granny.

After my son was born all and sundry turned up to see me in hospital. I didn't think they had 'a right' to do so but I was glad they loved me and my baby enough to bother. I certainly didn't think I needed to invite them. And after the birth of my daughter at home it was even more of an open house, and I loved it despite the fact that I had lost pints of blood and couldn't even pick my baby up for about a week.

I don't think many people on this forum would claim that grandparents have 'rights' but nor do daughters, sons, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law etc have any right to have parents and in laws that love them, gladly spend money on their children, give up their retirement time to child mind, travel across the country to see them and offer their help. It's called love, and being a family, and passing on that message to the next generation. Of course if grandparents are toxic, or over demanding, or unreasonable in some way then boundaries have to be drawn, but otherwise why can't we just enjoy one another while we have them. Many of those people who came to see me and my babies are now dead, and what I wouldn't give to be able to share one more day of that love. Thank goodness my children seem to feel the same.

Who, me? Three times.

No we was talking about all births? The afterbirth, the blood tests, the injections, the stitches, the pain, the bleeding, the 1st wee..maybe she had a c section and was on a drip? Or needed to pee in a bag?

Have you given birth?

Crossed posts, harri. I agree entirely. Some GPs need to stop pestering.

'night Bags

Yes. I was a bit funny after I had my first. Bit over-sensitive. (and yes - I can remember! ) But this baby is eleven months old.

G'night all

Our local hospitals only give partners unlimited visiting, other relatives are restricted.
GD1 was 48 hours before we were able to visit and GD2 was 24 hours old but in each case I waited to be invited by the parents.
It is not healthy to want to be included in every facet of DC's lives, we didn't have our parents standing over us when we were having our children.

Take care, Redheaded.

That is perfectly normal, i agree!...but only when you have had a phone call to say 'we are ready for visitors' OP said it was ok for her to come to the hospital..but she didnt wait for that invite. She just turned up.
The poor woman might of had her boobs out or wanted a shower before visitors.

As for changing the nappy and things like that...i had PND with my 1st and i acted alot like that
I cannot describe how anxious i was when someone wanted to hold my baby. I felt like i was itchy all over.
The constant pushing and people offering advice telling me what to do' made me resent everyone.
I felt smothered.

Maybe OPs DIL has PND and OP doesn't know?
If there isn't a good relationship there, she may not want you to know.
OP when you said about offering help to watch DGD when your DIL was tierd and she said you was calling her a bad mom? I did that. Alot. I thought i wasn't coping and when people offered help i thought it was their way of telling me i couldn't cope.

Ok this has turned very long! Sorry.

Try and bear with them. Having a baby is hard.

Didn't know we were talking about your births ReadheadedMommy.

Perfectly reasonable to visit your d-i-l and new grandaughter in hospital once the baby has been born. Don't all grannies do that, unless the mum comes out straight away?

A "hands-on" granny is one who is allowed to cuddle the baby sometimes and even - shock horror - change it's nappy!

"after the baby is born" is very vague. There's after and after. One hopes to be sensitive and non-intrusive.

Not whilst in the hospital, just having giving birth.
Turning up un invited. Not fair on the mother in anyway.

I had 3 days of labour with my first, i was in pain and i needed stitches. With dd2 i was sat in my own blood for a few hours after giving birth as i still had drugs in my system and was throwing up.

An un invited 'guest' would be the last thing a new mum needs.

It's a huge misjudgement to have a competitive relationship with one's DiL. If she's being immature, you have to be grown up and live with it.

Goodness, wouldn't every grandmother think that she'd be allowed to visit after the baby was born without having to wait to be invited?

What is classed as a 'Hands on granny?'

OP is seeing her DGC every month or once every 2 weeks. That is normal surely?
She is included in the 'family space'

OP already has had a fall out with DIL, she has turned up to the hospital after giving birth un invited and she is abit miffed that she can't just 'pop round' to see DGC when SHE feels like it.
If my MlL was acting like that i'd be having words with my DH telling her to back off.

All we have heard is the 'MIL's' side. Not the DILs. We dont know what the 'there is alot more to this' means. What else has happened? How do DIL and SIL see her action?

The most important phrase in my last post is "from their point of view".

Doesn't seem odd to me. I never saw my grandparents that often; my kids never saw their grandparents that often; I don't see my grandkids that often. Mind you, it is because of physical distances between in all cases, not emotional distances. But still... some people feel crowded easily, specially by what feels from their point of view like pushiness.

that was about seeing the baby once a month