how do I handle this please?

I am not at all observant, never notice DC's new glasses, phones etc but yesterday DD said "oh you have some new glasses" they were fairly ordinary reading glasses and nothing special but she noticed

jingle Nice to see you back on Gransnet. Hope you enjoyed your holiday?

Yes it IS the fact that as Mum/Grandma I'm not thought of as being any closer to receive important medical info than the rest of the world.

But I have now accepted that this is the way DD1 communicates. So maybe that's how I have to let her know important news too instead of direct (private) messaging as I usually do. DD2 is the opposite - no longer on FB and only on Twitter for work reasons, so we email.

Meanwhile my probs seems minor compared to some other threads I've read the past couple of days, but thank you for posting.

After all, it's not a fashion accessory he has obtained. It's a medical thing. Important.

I would be upset if DD told outsiders something like this before telling me.

Not unreasonable at all.

Reading this made me think "have I told my family I have new glasses?" As hard as it is sometimes we have to accept that social media is the way life is conducted now and it definitely has its place in family life, the immediacy of seeing the grandchildren in their new school uniforms, the first prom dress as it is being tried on for the first time and so on - in my youth we would have to take the photo, get it printed (usually about a week) then write the dreaded letter to enclose with it carefully checking for spelling mistakes before putting a 3d stamp on it and sending it to the grandparents!! I confess I love the fact that at any time I can pop onto F/b and see what the grandkids are doing with their lives.........no, they don't phone me but their lives are no longer geared around the phone. Please don't take offence that you were probably the last to know about those new glasses - I think we only knew that our grand daughter had glasses when our daughter texted us from Specsavers with a photo of her with her bright red hair insisting on a pair of flourescent pink frames!! I still don't know if we were supposed to talk her out of them but personally I thought they were truly wonderful!! After all - I would have chosen them too!

I have one DD who is brilliant at cards and remembering and another who is rubbish at cards. Whether this is because she is so busy or because her husband thinks it a waste of time and money I don't know but I have moved on.i no longer let it distress me. I get out a card she sent many years ago and it goes on the mantel piece with all the other cards from kind thoughtful and dare I say equally BUSY people who have taken the time and troublesome send a card. It amuses me . I know her daughter loves a card for her birthday and makes them for other occasions when the rest of the world is celebrating and they aren't .i don't do Facebook but see the busy daughter tweets frequently so I know she's alive. [emoticon for wry grin]

Thanks sparkygran

DD1 really does take the biscuit though - DD2 sent her a card as an olive branch 10 days ago and DD1 hasn't responded to it even though she had a perfect opportunity as it was DD2's birthday last Saturday. She didn't text, email or send a card, not gave one to me to take with me for DD2 when I saw her on Sunday! Just said she was very stressed (major structural problems with their new house etc).

I've not said anything - decided life is too short but DD2 is naturally very upset and angry.

Lucy I know its hard to take but that`s 2014 for you - don`t let it annoy you and fester that would only be worse.

My son and family are overseas and if I wasn't on Facebook I don't think I'd get much news. I try to put little inane things on about the garden, etc. so that they know we are fine. If he "likes" a photo I've put on I am quite happy. I always comment on any things they put on and in that way we do make contact most days. I send messages and letters to them but rarely get a reply. It is frustrating but I agree that they are more important to us than we are to them. I worry if they go quiet on Facebook as it usually signifies that a child is ill. So long as I see lighthearted posts on their pages (even if I am not involved) I can rest easy. It is amazing to think that Facebook didn't exist until a decade ago!

Yes I think I had started to get things out of proportion lucyinthesky I can see things more clearly now I have stepped back. I was an only child myself so I think I can be a bit idealistic about family life.

Exactly *grandma60 even though it's so frusrating.

But I discovered I felt much calmer when I stopped trying to help them resolve the issues they have with each other.

My son and daughter fell out over a year ago about things said at a family weekend away that we took to celebrate my birthday. Unfortunatley due to them living at other ends of the country and both having a lot going on in their lives this has never properly been resolved. I am so sad about it but I soon realized that any attempt I made to put things right just made it worse so have told them I am not going to get involved or take sides.

How true Agus - I know DD2 will want me to take her 'side' but I have told her more than once since the problem began at Xmas that I will not take anyone's side nor will I get involved. They were both in the wrong for different reasons but neither will admit to it.

Thanks roses - we are definitely not alone!

Oh definitely don't go down that road with DDs Lucy I have played piggy in the middle with my two and eventually realised they are adults now and should be left to sort out their own differences. It only left me upset and they eventually sorted things out themselves when I took a step back. My input made no difference.

DD2 who was working abroad at the time, shouldn't make any difference of course, 'forgot' to send me a birthday card one year. I was a bit miffed but knew it wasn't done out of malice or that she didn't love me.

For my own sanity, my mantra has become, 'whatever'

Glad that you posted this Lucy as I now know that I am not alone with this! I don't do facebook and don't intend to, but one of our daughters tells everything via FB and forgets she has not told us. I am ok with this and thought it probably happens a lot and now I KNOW that it does.It doesn't matter though, hope that you won't continue to be upset in the future,it's just the way that [some] of our children like to communicate.

Yes, a reality check does us no harm whatever the age Lucy

OK well thanks again to those who empathise and thanks also to those who made me feel as if I am making a fuss over nothing in wanting to hear 'news' before the rest of the world. We all approach life differently and am learning even at the age of 66 to grow a thicker skin lol

Meanwhile due to DD2 deciding to write to her DS about all the things she is upset with her about, (not having spoken to one another since Xmas) I shan't be putting my oar in about the FB thing nor the fact that DD1 hasn't sent the birthday card she bought (my birthday was over a week ago!)

DD lives abroad and we speak infrequently. I don't bother her because she is always travelling for her job. I seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to her health and will send her an e-mail if I feel uneasy. She often answers that it is just a cold or airplane acquired virus but last week she said she was off work and needed a CT scan. If I hadn't asked she would not have said anything, she is like her father and tells me things only on a need to know basis. DS, on the other hand, is always asking what I think of this and that especially about his health.

I don't think this is something your daughter has done to deliberately hurt you and as a mother just got on with what was necessary. Not a case of shutting you out.

I have two DDs. On occasion I hear from one DD about the other and vice versa but I don't take it personally if they have omitted to include me, instead, I am happy that they can make their own decisions or maybe turn to each other without having to turn to me for advice.

I have a good relationship with my girls, they know I am always there if they need me but I don't feel they have to share details of their lives with me all the time. That should be their decision not what I think they should have told me.

My GD2 (5 today) has been wearing glasses and a patch for the last 2 years for what is known as a lazy eye. It took a while for her to get used to wearing them too but in time she got used to it and no longer needs the patch.

Sympathies Blinko - I console myself with memories that when I was very young my next door gran was just Nana next door while my more distant gran who I didn't see often was very special - and spoilt me rotten when I did see her. And in those days there was no telephone or FB.

My DD1 and family live right across the other side of England (France is probably closer), DS1 lives 40 miles away while DD2 and family live only four miles away. I doubt your living in France has anything to do with how often your children keep in touch.
DD2 has taken herself off FB and I rang her yesterday or a chat - not having spoken for nearly two weeks - and I learnt DGD2 had been quite ill for a couple of days last week. I did feel a momentary touch of "oh, why didn't you tell me" but then thought why should she have done, she's a capable grown woman and she wouldn't have wanted me to worry unnecessarily.
All families are different. Some speak daily, some monthly. You did say your DD was busy and stressed. It probably never occurred to her that she needed to tell you first - or the other members of the family. She just told you at exactly the same time as everyone else. Only on FB!

I too have struggled to come to terms with DSs (x2) living some distance away and not keeping in touch regularly, especially when both are very much in touch with their in laws. So if we let it, it can sometimes feel as though DH and I are somehow 2nd class.... But reading the very wise comments and advice on GN Forums has helped us to understand we are not alone. As KatyK has remarked, we are no longer as important to our kids as they are to us. They're just living their busy lives and don't mean any hurt or harm. They just don't think. My advice would be to stay on good terms and be positive and upbeat in any dealings with them. Even though it's hard sometimes.

In short, lucy, I don't think there's anything to 'handle'.

deedaa, I think that quite often when someone is feeling stressed about a situation such as you describe, they will make a fuss about the means of communication rather than the actual matter in hand. If your communications by text with your son are useful I suggest you just carry on and tell your DH that what is said between you and DS is what's important, not the fact that it is said by text.

lucy, my response to discovering (shock! horror!) after other people knew of it that my GS needed to wear glasses would be a minimal shrug, if that. Seems to me the order of finding out is completely unimportant. It's not like it's his birth you were told about after everyone else. Does your DD tell you when he gets new socks or shoes? Put finding out about glasses on the same brain shelf as finding out he has a new pair of jeans.

Things are very strained between DH and DS at the moment because DS is doing something we thing is very stupid and is also costing us a lot of money. DS and i have been discussing it via texts and DH is really furious because he thinks we should have been talking face to face. The thing is that DS and I have got into the habit of texting and discuss ideas and feelings much more openly when texting than we would face to face. Hopefully I can get DH to see that DS isn't being rude or over casual by texting, it's just that we find it easier to make a point and get our feelings across like that.