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how do I handle this please?

(67 Posts)
lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 10:41:15

To recap I live most of the time in Paris with DP. Both DDs are happy with my relationship since my divorce & have little or no contact with their father. DD2 is good at keeping contact with me via email/text and I make sure I contact both of them each week. DD2 prefers 2 communicate via Facebook but more often than not doesn't reply to a direct (private) message at all until I send her a reminder. This can be infuriating as she says sorry a d that 'she is rubbish' (@ communicating) and that there is no news just that she is fine but stressed. I can. Understand her busy !I've with a Todd!er husband and p/t job (been there & got all the teeshirts) but 2day I saw an open message on FB stating that she couldnt 'get her toddler 2 keep his glasses on'
Needless to say that while I knew DGS had a squint & that he was being assessed when I asked about him she be never mentioned the possibility of the glasses for e/treme long sight which runs in the family.
The problem is not DGS eyesight but the fact that she told the whole world before me.
Sorry for rant but I want/need 2 let her know how hurtful this has been without causing a huge rift. Thanks for listening.

lucyinthesky Sun 11-May-14 10:43:48

Sorry for typos.

Mishap Sun 11-May-14 11:09:34

I misread the "toddler husband" as meaning that he was subject to tantrums and immature behaviour!

I would have been irritated to find out about the glasses via social media, but I suppose we just have to accept that this is how younger people communicate now. Maybe the girls just accept that you have a new life with a new partner in a different country mostly, and that they have their lives.

One of the reasons that we did not take up the offer of a house in France and a permanent move some years ago was that we made a conscious choice that we wanted to be around to be a part of our GCs' lives (as far as our DDs might wish). It is a difficult balance to strike, but being in another country does change relationships whether we wish it or no.

It is lovely that you have these new chances and a new life, but it comes with a price in terms of close contact with family - finding the right balance is likely to be a challenge.

I feel from your post that your DD2 is not in any way trying to be distant or hurtful, but just functioning in the brave new world of internet communication and appropriately to your new geographical distance. Probably best to keep your peace and say nowt - ask for a photo of child in new glasses and send upbeat comments.

rosequartz Sun 11-May-14 11:10:22

Is it an age thing do you think? Everything communicated by social media these days and not by phone, even to their nearest and dearest. Does anyone write letters on a regular basis any more?

Don't cause a rift, lucy, perhaps if you ask how Dgs Is getting on with his new glasses and say you hadn't realised that he was having them! She will probably say she thought she had told you.

I ask about the age thing because my older two are good at keeping in touch but the youngest DD isn't so great ... and I often forget to look on Facebook.

glammanana Sun 11-May-14 11:13:05

lucy I would expect my DD to tell me sooner rather than later but for some reason our DCs seem to think everything must be broadcast straight away on FB,I would think your DD had plenty of time to tell you as your DGS would have been to a couple of examinations and fittings prior to them being dispensed so I would be a wee bit hurt,maybe she did not want to make a fuss about it and see how the little man coped first then surprise you with his "new glasses" I have no time for FB really only use it for catching up on friends around the World really but some people use it as an extention of their everyday life but each to their own.I hope you feel better after your rant grinit works wonders sometimes doesn't it.

Aka Sun 11-May-14 11:16:06

I wouldn't let it bother me.

gillybob Sun 11-May-14 11:21:24

I agree with Aka I wouldn't let it bother me either lucyinthesky children wearing glasses is not like it used to be at all, infact my eldest granddaughter (8) was gutted when the optician said she had the eyesight of an eagle and definitely did not need glasses. Apparently all the cool kids wear them (accordingly to DGD and she is an authority on these things) so your daughter probably thought nothing of it at all, and felt no need to tell you specially.

merlotgran Sun 11-May-14 11:33:08

It's just something you have to get used to. I found out my grandson had passed the theory part of his driving test via facebook so I replied immediately with a Congrats message and a thumbs up 'like'

Bothered???? Not a bit.

KatyK Sun 11-May-14 11:44:11

Lucy you have my sympathies. I always thought myself and my daughter were quite close. She used to tell me everything (or so I thought). Now she tells me very little. I usually get 'oh didn't I tell you'. I have been so upset many times but now I just try to let it go. I am not on Facebook and I think that is the first port of call for news these days, it's just how it is. I think we can fall into the trap of thinking it is being done deliberately buti t isn't. We have to accept that they do things differently to us. Unfortunately, we are not as important to our kids as they are to us. Friends always come before family with my DD.

kittylester Sun 11-May-14 11:45:44

I think that 'youngsters' feel that FB is telling people and you maybe have to go with the flow.

My lovely Sister in law doesn't do FB and is a bit put out when I tell her something about her daughter that she didn't know. The daughter is a bit 'funny' about telling her Mum things for some reason that I can't fathom.

My sister-in-law was confused when I said that I 'talk' to my daughters by text, Whatsapp or PMs on FB so can hear from them two or three times a day. In busy lives there is not always the time for 'proper' phone calls but usually time for a quick message and, if that's what it takes, so be it. smile

Nelliemoser Sun 11-May-14 11:46:18

Lucy I think our generation just don't "get" how common communication on FB is for our our children. When Sil posted on FB that DGS was at the Children's Hospital late at night with a very high fever I heard it first on FB The DD sent me a text or rang me.

Don't worry too much.

KatyK Sun 11-May-14 11:46:41

Just to add - I once got so fed up with this sort of thing that I let it build up so much that I 'lost it' with my daughter. It made things much worse - so just a word of caution, I would keep quiet if it was me.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 11-May-14 11:54:40

At a Spring Fair yesterday I saw a plaque for sale. It said "Friends Welcome. Family by Appointment Only".

I so nearly bought it for DD1. hmm

KatyK Sun 11-May-14 11:58:40

I love that jingl and how true smile

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 11-May-14 12:03:52

Sums it up really doesn't it. (Glad I did n't buy it though!) grin

Lona Sun 11-May-14 12:04:36

lucy I think you just have to get over it, as that's the way it is with our childrens generation.
My dd is much the same, I've found out about stuff on fb too. Now I message her on fb and phone, and she has started to facetime me.
We have really long chats while she roams around the house and shows me what my dgds are doing. It's great.

Don't let it upset you, just join in. They just don't think!

annsixty Sun 11-May-14 12:13:33

I think Mark Zuckerberg has a lot to answer for.

KatyK Sun 11-May-14 12:32:24

Jingl - heartening to know it's not just me. Lona - That's how I used to be with my DD. Lovely long chats and now nothing really. I say any news? She says no. confused She also told me during our little 'spat' that what she does and who she sees is nothing to do with me - fair enough I suppose. Ann - I have had very dark thoughts about Mark Zuckerberg. I watched the film about how FB all started and all I could think throughout it was 'I'd like to punch you mate' blush Although I do realise it's wonderful for folks who are apart to keep in touch (honestly I really do!)

JessM Sun 11-May-14 13:00:15

Maybe it us good policy not to be "friends" on FB with immediate family?

Aka Sun 11-May-14 13:15:52

I'm quite happy to be 'friends' with immediate family. How else would I find out what they're up to?

merlotgran Sun 11-May-14 13:29:34

I love facebook and I'm friends with all my family, immediate and distant. Never a day goes by without some communication. And as for the phone bill? What phone bill?

janeainsworth Sun 11-May-14 13:38:49

It wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest Lucy. Wearing glasses isn't the end of the world, is it?

DebnCreme Sun 11-May-14 14:36:05

lucyinthesky I check the 'family' section regularly, as Aka says 'how else would I know what is going on'. What seems like a matter of major importance to us is just part of life's rich pattern to our offspring. Mind you I am now too 'clever' at reading between the lines on Facebook that I make up all the wrong stories. In your daughter's mind she probably doesn't want to worry you! Bless our children!

rosequartz Sun 11-May-14 14:46:36

I don't put much on Facebook apart from comments and likes, but I do like to see what the DDs and DGS are doing - with the time difference between UK and Australia skype or phone calls aren't always easy and they always seem to be so busy.

When I moved away from home my DP didn't have a phone at first, so DM wrote me weekly letters and I usually hmm wrote to them once a week. In an emergency we knew we could phone a neighbour.

Times change!

tanith Sun 11-May-14 14:55:01

Its one of the things I had to get used to when my son moved abroad , found the love of his life and started a family , I was used to my grandchildren being round the corner and knowing every little thing that happened in their lives. Thanks to FB I am part of this new family's life and they post often about this new little chap things that I wouldn't otherwise know about. My son has never been good at keeping in touch so I am thankful this allows him to show off to his family without me having to constantly ring him for news which I know would bother him. I just accept now that its just his way.

So don't let it bother you if you find out stuff from FB I'm sure your DD doesn't leave you out she probably thinks she already told you..