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Some wise words appreciated

(12 Posts)
britgran Mon 09-Jun-14 16:50:55

I have a real problem with my son and his partner and would be interested in the views of others, is it ever acceptable to cut all ties with your child, I say child he is 39, there have been so many arguments and bad feeling, he left his wife of 12 years for a family "friend" I didn't like it but he's a grown man capable of making his own decisions, she is violent when she's drunk and on numerous occasions he has come here when she has hit him, then he goes back, the last time was 6 months ago and I told him I don't want anything to do with her. She is pregnant and they are getting married next year she told his 14yr old daughter that she doesn't want me around her baby or at her wedding, my husband recently had a heart attack and I decided it was up to me as the parent to put things right so I held out an olive branch and she threw it back at me. When my son visits he is constantly in a temper and picks a fight and I have just had enough so do I cut all ties or hold out another olive branch, my ex-daughter in law suggested we all get together and talk, but it would descend into Jeremy Kyle territory, my son is a compulsive liar I hate to say that about him as I love him and deep down my nice loving son is still there. My husband doesn't want anything to do with either of them he is so angry that I get so upset by it all. They have a very volatile relationship and I just feel dragged down by it all, the fact that they are saying stuff about me to my granddaughter breaks my heart bless her she has had enough to contend with her parents divorcing, so what do I do

Dragonfly1 Mon 09-Jun-14 17:50:08

Have a look at the thread Cut out of their lives 3. There are some lovely nans on there who might be able to help. I can only suggest you do nothing to jeopardise your relationship with your granddaughter, and leave the door open for your son while getting on with your own lives. So difficult for you. Good luck.

Mishap Mon 09-Jun-14 18:40:00

Difficult indeed, and dragonfly's advice is sound. It is a question of weighing up the the consequences that might ensue for your DGD if you sever all ties. I would guess that this lass is going to need you in this volatile situation, so it would be good to keep a door open, even if only a chink.

Soutra Mon 09-Jun-14 18:41:44

Wise words DF1 I would say play it cool, be approachable and pleasant but don't go out of your way to initiate contact. Bide your gime snd do nothing to jeopardise contact with your DGD flowers

britgran Mon 09-Jun-14 19:41:13

My relationship with my Granddaughter is excellent, as her father has Bulimia he is very manipulitive and this weekend has told her he thinks I am a bad influence, she kept it to herself all weekend then told me yesterday in floods of tears, although I was furious I think I convinced her that he didn't really mean it and that I was not upset, I have a close relationship with her mother and he hates it , but like I have told him I am a wife, a mother and a grandmother but I am also a woman in my own right I have morals and opinions and nobody has the right to bully me. It seems that he can no longer verbally abuse his wife ( he was mentally abusive to her ) if his girlfriend is happy to hit him then I would guess he doesn't bully her and so it seems he comes here and creates an argument, I do stand up to him and I can hold my own, but when he leaves I am in floods of tears and so upset, I would never in a million years have spoke to my mother the way he talks to me, and a few years ago I would have laughed at anyone who told me he would treat me this way, from a small boy he was always beside me and worrying about me we were so close. I thank you for helping me in this dilemma it sometimes helps for someone on the outside to advise

Smileless2012 Mon 09-Jun-14 20:03:36

My heart goes out to you britgran. I tend to post on the COOTL3 thread due to the break down of my relationship with my s. I too would have laughed if any one had told me he would one day treat me and his father the way he has done over the last 2 years.

My gc is nearly 2 and a half and although my son lives a 2 minute walk down the road I haven't seen my gc since he was 8 months old. I don't know if I could ever cut all ties with my s but that doesn't mean that I haven't considered the possibility and it's perfectly understandable that you've considered the possibility too.

As you have an excellent relationship with your granddaughter my advice is to try and keep it but that doesn't necessarily mean offering another olive branch. Keep the lines of communication open and keep telling yourself what you've told us, you are a woman in your own right, with your morals and opinions and nobody has the right to bully you. I wish you well.

Kiora Mon 09-Jun-14 20:51:08

Hang in there Tegan. Keep your own council. I have been where you are. I look back and think I should have won an oscar. Things resolved in the end. My grandchildren are now 18 & 14 and we are their beloved grandparents. We never let go. we had to be in the back ground but we were there and they knew it. Our daughter once lost is now firmly back and all is forgiven. Son-in-law is long gone and his parent abandoned our grandchildren. flowers

britgran Mon 09-Jun-14 21:13:42

Thank you Smileless I will take a look at that other post I'm just finding my way around the site and wasn't sure where to post, I am very sorry you don't see your little one, I am fortunate in that I see my grandchildren I have always struggled to understand the splits in families, I was bought up as one of 12 and we all speak to each other and both loved and respected our parents. I have read and watched people talk about their family problems and have always thought it's up to the parent to be the bigger person, but I cannot continue being dragged down, my son does have emotional problems after years of abuse of his body with the eating disorder, my husband accuses me of making excuses for him as does my older son, this has been going on for nearly 3 years now and I think I have to just not contact them anymore for my own sanity, but although I think that is the right thing for me to do this new baby will be my grandchild and I run the risk of not seeing it, such a horrible situation

Kiora Mon 09-Jun-14 21:50:17

blush the message for Tegan was meant for the 'cut out of their lives' I must be loosing the plot sorry if I caused any confusion.

Smileless2012 Tue 10-Jun-14 17:15:05

Some times I think britgran there is a huge difference between biting one's tongue as a parent and being the bigger person as a parent. Putting up with verbal or written abuse from one's own child for me, isn't about biting my tongue. For me and my DH being the bigger person is being prepared to stand up for what we believe in and to be true to ourselves.

I agree that there are some things that aren't worth making a fuss over, it's best just to let them go and we did that with our s and d.i.l. as I'm sure they did with us to begin with. But I have spent the last 2 years denying the outrageous and awful false accusations that have been made, not out of pride but because not to do so would not be being true to my self.

I am truly sorry that your s has mental health problems. It must have been terrible for you and your husband to witness his deterioration. To know that breaking contact with him will mean you'll never see your new grandchild is indeed a horrible dilemma.

We decided at the beginning of the year that we would do our best to concentrate on what we have as the emotional roller coaster we've been on has affected us both, both physically and emotionally. The contact we've had with our s over the last couple of months has been instigated by him and each time has ended with our tears and heart ache.

We wont respond to any more of his emails for our own sanity. He is clearly ill, on medication for depression, but there is nothing we can do at this point in time to help him. Like you, we cannot afford to continue in this way because it is dragging us down. We need to regain our strength for ourselves, one another and our other s, and we also need to regain our strength so if and when the time comes that he reaches out for real because he needs us, we will need our strength to be able to help him.

It is good to know that your problems have been resolved Kiorasmile. We told our s a few days ago that we love him very much and will always be here for him should he ever need or want us. I just hope that one day he will so we can be a family again. It seems like an impossible dream but knowing that things have turned around for others gives us all hope.

britgran Tue 10-Jun-14 18:04:13

I do feel Smileless for anyone with a split family, I truly never thought it could happen to us, I know we cannot choose our childrens partners but oh how this one female has changed our lives, he tells me he loves her one minute, then he is only with her cause he has nowhere else to go and that at his age he doesn't want to live with his parents,unfortunately he has told his daughter the same thing, then I discovered through a social media site that they have got engaged and are getting married, he knows how much we love him and he tells me how much he wants us at his wedding and to part of his new babies life, trouble is he is such a contradiction and I just don't know how to deal with him, his ex-wife had two children from a previous relationship and they grew up as part of our family, at 21 and 24 we are still Nannie and Granddad but they won't have anything to do with my son, it kills me that the 21yr old who is in the Royal Navy walks past my son in the street even though for 12 yrs he was his 'Dad',
My son knows that I despise his partner although I made a huge effort and was quite friendly with her up until she hit him for the 3rd or 4th time......... to his credit he has never to my knowledge hit her back but if we had a daughter and her partner hit her, believe me I swear my husband would end up in prison.

I'm frightened that he will manipulate my gd into believing that it is our fault this is the past he has pretended to be depressed in front of her so she would accept his girlfriend, and bless her heart she worrys about him and wants him to be happy, so he can easily persuade her into feeling sorry for him and blaming us, the poor girl is so confused she knows her dad lies and causes trouble but she loves him.

I am spending all my time worrying and my husband is sick of it all , he has told me not to contact my son and I haven't but it is Fathers Day on Sunday and I am so scared he will turn up like nothing has happened and my husband will let into him.

His girlfriend has sent me a text that is so patronizing I cannot bring myself to answer her, she tells me I should be proud of my son and that she didn't realize she snubbed the night my husband was rushed into hospital......... but believe me she knew what she was doing she is to be blunt a f**k you sort of girl.

I just feel if I contact him we will be here again in a few weeks with me on anti-depressants, I pray that he will get some help and revert to the once lovely son he was before all this happened

Smileless2012 Thu 12-Jun-14 17:13:00

If only there was a magic pill you and I could give our sons britgran that would make them the wonderful young men they used to be before our nightmares began.

Perhaps you could reply to her text saying that yes you're proud of your son, and ignore what she said about that awful night. I don't doubt that she knew what she was doing when she snubbed you, they know exactly what they're doing.

This is so awful for us grown ups, how much worse must it be for a girl of 12. How does your ex d.i.l. feel about it? I know you said she'd suggested you get together with your s and his fiance to talk, but is she aware of your son's attempts to manipulate their daughter.

Emotional blackmail is a lethal weapon. I just know in my gut that that's what our d.i.l. is using with our s to destroy our relationship with him. Unfortunately, she's also gradually destroying him too. Either she's too stupid and self absorbed to realise this, or she simply doesn't care.

Father's day, I'm dreading it. My DH wont be expecting a card but it's still going to hurt when he doesn't get one.