New here and my heart is broken.....

Still the same for me, still grieving each and every day!

So all water under the bridge by now?
Do you not often wonder how the people starting these threads have fared though?

Nobody ever seems to notice the date!

This thread was 3-years old before being revived.

Blaming your son is not the answer nor I am afraid is God. Try not to see this as a big issue maternal grandparents generally have more access to the grandchildren and much will depend on how you behave. Keep it light enjoy your granddaughter when you see them her, send postcards, comics with funny and loving messages and little gifts. Try to have a conversation with your son that is constructive without pointing fingers and try to put yourself in their shoes. Be nice and forgiving you may be surprised at the results.

Can you speak to your son and ask what the problem is with you visiting? If you can't, I would just keep on sending well thought out presents and card on birthdays etc - or postcards if you travel or do something interesting. And keep a brief book about your side of the family with photos so you can give it to them later.

silverlining48 that is such a lovely story I always think that when I hear stories such as this post. thank you so much for sharing that x

I think the first person to speak to re your grandchild is your DIL If you speak to your son it will just put him in the middle

If your DIL was polite to you it might mean that she is also kind.

You just need to speak to her women to women and let her know in the most calmest approach that you and your husband would really like to spend more time with your granddaughter, if you have never said anything she may not even know that you n your DH would like to see more of your granddaughter, ley her know that it would be lovely for your granddaughter to spend more time with you

Trust me the MIL might think she has all the reigns but MUM has the post power and if she can see things from your point of view she will/may let you see more of your GD

Please let us know how things go with it all Good luck just stay calm and be as adult as you can rather than too emotional when speaking to her

Thank you MesMopTop xx
}}}Hugs{{{ for all in this sad situation and too

For tscow gal and all the other mans and poppas in similar situations, I fo feel for you and hope one day soon everything changes for the better. Sending you all cyber hugs and love x

Yoga girl, so so sad to read your post. Just wanted to send you some love and hugs. ????????????????

I heard a heartwarming story today. My friend has a neighbour who had no contact with her two grandchildren over many years. She was obviously extremely upset but despite efforts on her part she did not see them.
Now 17 and 15 respectively they have been in touch and the older one a boy asked if he could come and visit/ stay with her and the girl is doing the same in a few weeks time.

This is just so sad. I simply can't understand how adult children (boys OR girls) can do this to their parents!! Not even IF there have been issues or disagreements in the past.

When I had young children my own mother was very jealous of my in-laws. She was always trying to out do them in presents and things. If I went to see them, she would sulk; proper child like sulks! I didn't like it and we had numerous heated erm....discussions but in the end I just let her be and bit my tongue.

Just as well as my mother is now almost 90 and I am her carer too!!

However, when my children got partners I actively encouraged them to include their in-laws. One of my daughters gets on so well with her mother in law, that if I was a jealous type (like my mum) I could feel put out....but I don't...I feel there is room for everyone. Us In-laws don't actually 'hang' out a lot together but we do meet up at family gatherings and its always comfortable.

All I can say to the people who feel shut out is just BE there if and when needed, even if you feel used. Get on with your life (on the basis that we only have one life and life is for enjoying) and ...yes, get a dog! I absolutely adore my dog too and since getting him three years ago, I have met so many lovely dog walkers out and about (Of course I don't know everyone's circumstances, but if circumstances allow ).

I would continue to send little notes in with birthday/Christmas cards saying - hope to see you soon. Keep things light and friendly if you can. Hopefully when your grandchildren grow a little they may want to visit you of their own accord?

Sending Hugs to you all.....

Hi I'm in a similar position but mine is my daughter doesn't. Bother with me I'm the one excluded! It's so very hurtful
And a shock! I've offered so many times - but now I'm making a new life! I'm very sad ? though as I don't feel I have done anything wrong! But I have no more energy to give - they are only hurting the GC

Thank you all for the cyber hugs. I don't see anyway of this being repaired except through God. It almost seems like an on-going nightmare. I cry. My husband and I are both so hurt and at a loss of how this could happen to us. We thought we taught our son better. He knows how much we love him yet he seems okay with kicking us out of his life like we never existed. My DIL's family is so dysfunctional but they hide it so well. Our son's FIL has 5 other daughters that he has no contact with whatsoever. That's another story and sad. It's like they have created an illusion and swept people under the rug. I have learned one thing through all of this. They may have a lot of money and material things but sooner or later they will have to face their maker for all of the people they have hurt, us included. They raised their daughter to be just like them, very controlling and to cut people out of their lives because they don't fit their image. Yes, I got ripped off in the DIL department and yes, I suffer from the rejection but most of all, I suffer from not being able to be the grandma that I always dreamed of being.
For the others that posted on here on this subject, you are NOT alone. God never promised us a rose garden in life so we have to make the best of it. We have to look at the Blessings and gifts that we do have and keep living. You did nothing wrong. I know this because because I vowed to be the BEST MIL ever! I never meddled, gave advice or interfered ever but it didn't matter. It's not about us. It's about them. Unfortunately our grand babies will only know one set of grandparents but there is nothing we can do unless God intervenes. I'm thankful my granddaughter has both of her parents and they love her. I'm also grateful our son has all of his wants and needs met. We miss him. Please everyone, keep us all in your prayers!

Cyber huggs Tscowgal at least you are seeing them, I have'nt seen my beloved GC for near on 2yrs now & my D is not my D all of my life. My nasty s.i.l & his cruel mother cut me & my other D off through jealousy as I had a very stronge & special bond with my GD which they didn't like. (Story on 'cut out of their lives' thread.) So as hard as it is for you Tscowgal just take the crumbs that are given to you & make the best of that time, I know thats not how it should be, I would give everything to see my D & GC again.
Rubylady I, like you, get emence comfort from my little dog, in fact I'm not sure I would still be here if it was not for the love I get from her, & my other D of course, but I live alone with just my little dog. Nice you are trying to help with all your advise
Ninathanana your very kind & thoughtful

Cyber huggs Tscowgal at least you are seeing them, I have'nt seen my beloved GC for near on 2yrs now & my D is not my D all of my life. My nasty s.i.l & his cruel mother cut me & my other D off through jealousy as I had a very stronge & special bond with my GD which they didn't like. (Story on 'cut out of their lives' thread.) So as hard as it is for you Tscowgal just take the crumbs that are given to you & make the best of that time, I know thats not how it should be, I would give everything to see my D & GC again.
Rubylady I, like you, get emence comfort from my little dog, in fact I'm not sure I would still be here if it was not for the love I get from her, & my other D of course, but I live alone with just my little dog. Nice you are trying to help with all your advise
Ninathanana your very kind & thoughtful

Dear Txcowgal - I really feel for you. It is awful to be excluded from your GC's lives. I too do not agree with the saying. My daughter makes my life miserable, keeping from visiting with her two baby sons (3 and 1). If I want to see them I have to go 2 hours to visit, stay 2 hours and return. My health is deteriorating due to heart problems. She has wanted me to get my hand in my pocket to buy nursery items etc. but will not come to see me. So not a daughter for life then.

As for creating a life for ourselves, how are we supposed to do that when illness or finances stop us from doing this? And how are we supposed to turn our thoughts about them off? To harden up is difficult when you are a big softie. My little dog has brought me great comfort. Would it be possible for you to get a pet? Can you walk short distances to take a little dog out maybe? Or a budgie, something to nurture and fuss over? Can you do any knitting or crocheting? I know that dog's homes need coats for poorly animals and this would be a way to care for others in your own time and home. Can you find some bits and pieces you no longer need and put them on ebay? It's so exciting seeing if someone bids on them. Do you like doing crafts? Maybe make something small and then sell it on one of the sites- Notonthehighstreet, Ebay or Etsy. Do you like music? I find that if I feel upset or stressed, I put on a cd and by the end of it I'm singing along.

If you need any other help with anything please don't hesitate to message me. And keep your chin up. It's their loss, give your time and warmth to others who need it, plenty do.

Big hugs and thoughts are with you.

Xxx

I have a feeling I have posted on this subject before.

You may all feel rather envious of me as I am the opposite to this subject.
I have no daughters, my DS1 is single with no children, my DS2 has a total of five children from his two marriages.
Neither of my son's two sets of in-laws have done much if any childcare.The reason was they were not willing but have had every opportunity to do so.
I have been involved in the care of my grandchildren since their very early days and while I gave the other grandparents all the time they wanted with the DGC it was never taken up in a big way.It was their choice not to get involved.
My son's second marriage has recently broken up and his MIL caused no end of trouble suddenly wanting our two mutual grandchildren removed from his care with no valid reason.They are living with their mother and still visit him and us often, nearly every weekend in fact. Fortunataly DIL has seen sense regarding her mother and is aware of her behaviour and unwillingness in the past to provide childcare when needed.
I feel sympathy for all of you despite me as a paternal grandmother being in the reverse situation here.
When my DS first marriage broke up his former wife denied him and us access to their three children. This lasted for two years until he took her to court and won his case. My heart was broken in that time.We saw the children frequently after this, and their mother and I are back on friendly terms.The youngest child of his first marriage now lives with us and DS. She and her mother were having problems getting on and ex-DIL could not cope with her. There was never any question of her going to other grandma who is now widowed and disabled.

I'm lucky with my daughters. One lives abroad so I get to see her and the grandsons about 4 or 5 times a year and we speak every week. The other daughter lives about 10 minutes away from me. I see her at least once a week at the moment, but I'm retiring in a couple of months so I expect it will be more. She already has plans for me!!

My son-in-laws are both lovely. The daughter who lives close to me took me on holiday with them last year. This year they are taking her husband's parents. Fair shares all round.

It's sad Scooter. We haven't fallen out, I am just not included in a lot of stuff that her friends' mothers are. I'm not sure why. I'm sure it is just
thoughtlessness nothing more.

KatyK,my sympathies,I also have not found that saying to be true in my eldest daughters case .

Our youngest son and his wife see much more of her mother than of us, she`s a few years older than us, about 80, and seems to have more money to spare than we have, she`s always buying them things, or paying bills they can`t afford to pay, so she obviously gets better thought of, even though DIL calls her mother summat rotten to us. We have 5 children, he`s the youngest, we don`t have a lot of money, so can`t pay out like she does. It`s funny though, we come in handy on the odd night when they want to be out late and want our grandson to sleep here, but we always say yes, because he` a little sweetheart, and we don`t see enough of him since he started school, I looked after him daily till then, from being a baby.

I feel very sorry for grandparents who feel that their sons'
in laws (the maternal grandparents) are bound to be closer to the couple and the grandchildren, but have to say that my son in law and daughter are very fair about the contact each set of parents has, so it is not necessarily the norm. In fact I am very aware that my daughter's MiL will not get the same flack that I get from my overtired daughter when they see them as I do, because although we are very close, my DD has a very sharp tongue around those she knows best!

Big hugs all round I am counting my blessings as I write I am fortunate that my SiL and DiL enjoy my company and are happy to be in our family I can only imagine how hard it is when this isn`t so