I just dont know what to do!

I'm pleased that you have been able to see some thing of your gc Louisamay it may feel like a small step but it is one in the right direction.

Sadly for us, we have lost our DS and only gc and the resulting pain and anguish at the destruction of a once close and loving relationship, has perhaps made me a little cynical and less trusting. Bearing that in mind, my advice with regard to your d.i.l.'s parents would be to say nothing at this stage, of recent events. Even if they broach the subject and voice their own concerns regarding their d's. behavior I would be very guarded.

I agree with other posters that if you extend an invitation to her parents and they decline, you will know that they have taken on board what they've been told, but perhaps that may be more hurtful for you than you're anticipating.

You are in an extremely stressful and tenuous position at the moment and are doing so well to keep the lines of communication open. I hope that the small steps being taken at the moment become bigger ones in the future.

louisamay very good advice from Magmar. We're in a not so disimilar situation with our DiL. We've always been pretty good friends with her parents and we initially suggested the four of us meeting up, casually dropping it into conversation with DS that we were going to see them. We had a really nice lunch. Avoided any ongoing problems, talked a lot about DGS and agreed to repeat the arrangemrnt a few weeks later. We have gradually been able to talk about the present situation being VERY CAREFUL not to blame anyone (on either side). All four of us are falling over backwards to maintain a status quo.We've been practical and rational and although some issues are to be avoided, we enjoy sharing our DGS and take great pleasure in hearing about his antics at their house, as they do when he's at ours. Go for it. Don't nurse your wrath - it's destructive. These are for you and HUGS.

louisamay - as you don't appear to have seen your DIL's parents socially for some time, would it be a good idea to invite them to meet up on neutral ground for a pub lunch somewhere halfway between your homes? If you can keep the chit-chat general (while obviously agreeing on how gorgeous your grandson is!), you may find that they steer the conversation round to concern about their daughter - or not! You will need to be guided by them, and if they fail to raise this as an issue, you can rest assured that they either don't wish to discuss her attitude, or they don't see any problem. Obviously if they do express some concern, you are entitled to let them know how worried you have been. Don't feel guilty about not inviting your son and DIL! If the invitation is accepted you may wish to tell your son how much you are looking forward to it, so it doesn't appear you are being secretive. What do you think?

RHM is correct just leave it

louisamay; no one is putting you down. But for people that don't know every last detail of what has happened or the personalities involved it's a case of trying to see every side of the problem. Which isn't saying that you're in the wrong but may make it easier to plan a course of action that won't make the situation worse.

Wow.

I was not putting you down!
You want to clear up matters. How?

You can't 'clear up matters' without mentioning the things she's done.
So i, aswell as other members, have said not to say anything at all.
Just leave it. You don't need to do anything apart from be a nan.
You're seeing your grandchild often, everything else will fall into place.

I don't see anyone putting you down. I certainly am not. The nearest I can see in my post is "dither" and I did get the impression that you were undecided about whether to contact the other lady. You say you have no idea what to say to them - my advice and RedheadedMomma's was not to say anything to them.

I have no advice on your relationship with your FiL, except to be yourself.

Exactly! 'Without resorting to having a quiet chat......' I don't want to!!!!
I don't know why I should have to justify or go over every statement I've made. I've had a pretty dire time recently with DIL who has been rude and insulting to both me and Dh, two elderly people who have shown her nothing but kindness and respect. I have shed many tears over this. Please don't try and put me down. It's not helpful

You can't "clear matters up" without raising the subject, and if you raise the subject you are going behind your son's back, or your DiL's, and you lay yourself open to more accusations of interfering.

So make up your mind to keep schtumm and continue being the non-bullying, non-interfering person that you know you are. You say that you are friendly with the other MiL. Then she knows you. As RedheadedMomma says, when you call/email to invite her, she will either accept (and you will know that she is OK with you) or she will decline (and you will know, or suspect, that she thinks it possible that you were interfering)

Whether you will be happier with it clarified is another matter, so is whether it will help your relationship with DiL.

What is relevant is thst there is something that you can do to check on your relationship with DiL's mother - you can issue an invitation and see what happens. so that is one aspect that you don't need to dither about.

I feel I need to have a chance to clear matters up with DIL's parents but without resorting to asking them to have a quiet chat behind her or my sons back I can't see what else I can do.

There.

If you normaly meet up with them then by all means do it, but don't mention anything about your DIL.
Honestly, if my DD came to me and told me her MIL had been bullying her and i mean really bullyng her and upsetting her (I know you havn't btw) the last thing I would want to do is sit round a table with her.

Invite them out. If they decline, you know why. If they accept then you know they take their DD with a pinch of salt.

I still think that if DiL's parents know their daughter, and know you (as they should by now if you have seen quite a lot of them) they have probably taken DiL's rantings with a pinch of salt and will be perfectly OK with you.

Stop agonising over the whole thing, accept that DiL is not in the best of moods at the moment, and get on with life. The more fuss you make about it, the more she will see you as "interfering".

As others have said, you have seen your grandson.

NO, Redheaded Mommy!!! There is no suggestion that I would ring DIL's parents to talk about her behind her back. I can't figure where you got that from - they are nice people and getting together socially with them is way overdue. The problem is that DIL has told them that we have been aggressive and bullying so I have NO IDEA what to say to them - it is the elephant in the room. Surely I have explained this in my posts????

I think you should back off abit.
You saw your grandson at your house, and at theirs and are babysitting on Saturday, that's fantastic! Why rock the boat?

Things are going smoothly, honestly what do you think ringing her parents will do?
Ring them and talk about your DIL to HER parents, behind your DILs back?
They will tell their daughter, then she will tell DH and the only person that will loose out is you.
You're creating drama when there is no need for any.

If you're son is being used as a go between see it as a good thing, if DIL was exagerating everything you 'said' to her, this won't happen anymore.

Although it appears that your daughter in law is rather unreasonable, I think it's probably better if you back off a bit. You had seen your grandson, albeit for a short time, on a Saturday and on a Monday, and then asked to see him in the week as well. Given that the situation is strained at the moment, it might have been better to have left the ball in their court as to when you would see your grandson again.

On the other hand, you might have appreciated it more if your daughter in law had been upfront and said that actually she'd be grateful if you'd babysit on the Saturday instead. I can understand how you feel like you're being made a bit of a convenience of but this sort of thoughtlessness can occur with parents' own daughters/sons as well as with daughters and sons in law.

I'm not sure about you ringing up her mum unless you would feel it would be possible for you to have a normal, friendly chat in the current circumstances. It might be better to let things settle for a while. If you do have an opportunity to speak to her mum on the phone or meet up, as Elegran said I think it's better not to say anything unless her mum brings up the subject of her daughter's current behaviour. Even then, if it were me and I felt I just had to say something, I would focus on the way I felt - confused and hurt - and perhaps seek her advice.

If you enjoy DiL's mum's company, then phone or email her with a "Haven't seen you for ages, how about a coffee?" Then don't mention DiL except if the other mum does. Reply something like "She is very prickly these days, she is so busy". If DiL's mum knows her daughter as well as most mums, she will recognise how DiL is reacting to you - she may well be just as prickly with her mother. She may have something consoling to say about the situation. But she may not!

Mishap - DIL's mum would be leaving around 4.30 or earlier for her 1 and half hours journey back. DH has just now suggested to me that it's possible DIL told such a story to her mum that she now doesn't want her to know that baby could be spending any time at the 'aggressive' and 'bullying' grandparents house but,if Friday went ahead and DS collected baby to bring round here after he got home from work, her mum would know as she may not have left for home Ah, now that is beginning to make sense, maybe..
A couple of weeks back I said to DIL that I hadn't seen her Mum for ages and maybe would ring her some time. Boy, the look on her face. She said 'Mum is always so busy, it may just go to voicemail, so probably not worth you wasting a call..' Hmmm..

What do you grans think about me getting in touch with DIL's parents and what on earth can I say to them if I do? Amazing how one person can cause disruption in what was previously a nice family where we all got along well.

Following on - it's my birthday soon and normally we get together with son and DIL plus her parents for a meal out. I understand that DIL told her parents about the dreaded day last month and if it's anything similar to the version she gave my son, they won't think too highly of us ((we were, apparently, aggressive, bullying and intimidating etc etc). Such as a shame as we like her parents and have always got on well with them. As mentioned in a previous post, DS does not want us to say anything to them but that means having no contact at all because DH and I would be much too embarrassed to meet up before the air is cleared. Why do things have to be like this....

Yes - some progress. Go with the flow - you are doing well.

I can see that if her Mum was over from 3 hours' drive away, then a different day for you to have GC might seem a better choice from her point of view.

Enjoy the babysitting. Play it cool!

Sounds as if there has been some progress.

Update! Following advice on here (and with difficulty!). I have managed to act normally towards DIL, although she was very frosty with me following her outburst, even when we babysat for them. She has gradually become more civil but, whereas before her outburst (sorry, but the sad saga has already been told above..) , she would invite us round, albeit occassionaly, she now seems unable or unwilling to make any arrangements for us to see baby unless it's done through DS. The poor bloke works long hours in a stressful job but now he has to act as a go between. With DIL's approval he managed to bring our grandson round to our house for a couple of hours one Saturday afternoon a couple of weeks ago ( the only time the little chap has ever been here ) and we had great fun. Son recently got in touch and said DIL suggested we could go to their house and see baby this past Monday. We were only there an hour and DIL seemed OK so I took the bull by the horns and asked if it would be possible for son to bring him round again this week. I left the choice of the day to her and she suggested late Friday afternoon as son goes into work very early that day and leaves early to avoid horrendous Friday evening traffic. She said she thought it would be ok although her mother would be over but would probably leave about 4.30 so it should be fine. We live on,y a ten minute drive away. To be honest I couldn't see how relevant her mums departure time was as she is over today for the day and DIL had spent last weekend there so surely it's no big deal if DS picks up baby at 4.15 and DIL's mum is there??? Am I missing something here? Anyway, to keep things going along friendly I sent her an email yesterday to say how much I had enjoyed seeing her and baby and hoped Friday would work. I got an email by return saying that it was very much dependant on what time her mother left to go home that day. Then, this morning, I get a call from my son - who has been dragged into it again - to say that she told him this morning that, due to her mum being around on Friday, she feels we should put off baby's visit here , and he had to convey this to me! Poor bloke feels bad about it but I tried to reassure him it's fine......I realise this is how it's going to be.
Now for the punch line - she has asked if we can babysit on Sat evening! We will, of course, because if we don't, DIL's mother will make the three hour return trip and do it herself and we will be deprived yet again of seeing baby briefly before his bedtime. Grrrrr. Sorry for the rant but I feel I could smash something at the moment! What the bloody hell can you do with someone who operates like this?? I don't want to discuss all this with my son. Surely DIL should be able to communicate between ourselves?

I have to agree with Kate13 That IS what it's all about. No point being miserable and lonely in the right (and in the minority). Make a list of your priorities and think about how your course of action impacts them. Good luck!

I do think your best way forward, if you want happy families, is to do as your son asks and forget the whole thing. Dificult? You bet. We've had something similar and our DS has been adamant that the family should not be judgemental. We've had to do this for the sake of DGS. We've forced ourselves to continue as if everything's fine and "normal". Basically zip up and shut up. 18 months down the line my DiL and I have a reasonable relationship and we get to see DGS regularly and he has overnight stays at ours BUT we only go over when asked to and only when asked. We NEVER volunteer.
We have great fun with DGS and after all that's what it's all about.
Hugs

Magmar I know what you mean. I have had to cool things with my daughter for the time being. I voiced opinions on her wedding and we all know that we are not allowed to have an opinion. So, as I have practically laid my life down for her, and was told I am to have no part in her wedding, I was upset and told her I was. It is her wedding and she will have it her way, she said. Fair enough, but count me out if I am to be treated like any other guest when I have brought her up on my own from a baby. I am doing my own thing for a while because, like your daughter, she can't back down neither and smooth things over, it's always me who gives in first. Not this time. We have to stand our ground or else we will have no authority in the family set up. How would my GS view me if I kowtow to my daughter and say nothing? Surely a wedding is a bringing together of two families and other people's opinion should count too as well as the couple. But, you see, I'm not paying for it, so therefore, I have no say.

louisamay - I have a daughter for whom I bent over backwards to be helpful, look after the girls (2 and 5) when called upon, willingly and happily as they are delightful, but was spoken to very rudely one day when I had had a lovely day with them. I told my daughter I would not be spoken to like it, considering all I do for them, and since then she has been very cool towards me, which I do not deserve. I told her I expected an apology but, like your DIL, she doesn't know the meaning of the word! Consequently, I now wait to be asked for help, which makes me very sad, but she will have to learn I have feelings too! I feel for you, as it must be very hard to be expected to "carry on as normal" - and quite frankly, why should you?

Sorry .... meant UNintrusive!