To Have Said No

Silverfish I have a large portrait of me on the kitchen cupboard, drawn by DGD when she was about 5. I have a round open mouth out of which there is a speech bubble saying NO. It was drawn out of love. I had had DGS, aged 2 sitting on my lap for nearly half an hour holding an axe to my throat. He was Viking and was going to kill me. I decided enough was enough and he wouldn't take no for an answer, well, he had to in the end.

I am with you mrsmopp. I have always veered towards tough love because I love my DC so much. I tried to never lay down rules unless I felt it essential but then I stuck.

Do you think your son feels guilty for not fixing your roof that time, and you had to pay someone else to do it?
You think he does not feel guilty?
Then neither should you.

Stop worrying. You did the right thing. Case closed.

No need to feel guilty at all. I would have done the same.

Mishap I'm a softie too, but I know the DCs would come running if we ever needed them.

It's quite reassuring to know that it isn't just me that has sons and daughters that never have time to do anything to help housemaintenance wise which means I have to pay people to do things....

I would say nurture in this case - I am aware that I was too soft with both of them and am now living to reap the rewards of it. Nothing so perfect as hindsight is there.

If your children are prepared to take the huff when you don't let them use and spoil your possessions, or when you mention that they could have helped you but did not bother their arses, then they are not very nice people. Is that nature or nurture?

Hello Silverfish - I would agree, to an extent, that could be part of my anxiety over the incident but I can't afford to lose another item.

Your granddaughter will love you regardless and it has always been my experience that children feel safer when they know where the boundaries are and they can stay safely within them!

I agree, Holly, I feel that my daughter is similar, I love her sooo much and shes all I have apart from DGD, but if I refuse her or cannot help her I feel she might take the huff and I might not see her or the baby for a long time, she has never done this but I try to keep in her good books in case.
Im trying to teach the baby to know that when I say NO, I mean no, but the other granma says as she doesn't see her very often she wont discipline her so looks like I am going to be the big bad granny.

When you love someone it is so hard to balance kindness with laying yourself open to being used.

Many thanks all

Or in your neck of the woods...almost time for wine here!

HollyDaze that is it. Pretty much a consensus here. You were reasonable! I am naturally inclined to have the soft touch, but tough love is needed sometimes. I understand it is so hard to say 'no', and would be worrying that ad infinitum until DH would wisely pull me from the brink! Stick to your guns! Guilt is a way of life for mums and moms. How can we retrain ourselves not to feel it? Time for Holly.

The firm should have their own one.!

After all it would be tax deductible !

Yup! Agree with all the others. The firm should go and buy a new pressure washer, they are not exactly hard to find.This will remind your son not to think he can take what you have.

To be honest I would have said yes - maybe I am a soft touch.

But in our family it cuts both ways - if they have a need and I can fulfill it, then I do; and if we need something they do the same for us.

You were right to refuse. He must learn the hard way.

I don"t think they trot out any more nonsense than we do !

The American's have a term for it...'Tough Love' Yes, they do trot out some nonsense sometimes....but this one is true!

Definitely time to expect him to be a grown-up then, and not ask Mummy to mend or replace his toys. Particularly when he can't mend or replace hers.

Thank you all for your support and kind words. It's daft isn't it - you know you haven't really done anything drastically wrong yet you feel guilty! Sorry to have put this on you for advice but I don't have anyone else to ask and check that I'm not being unreasonable.

I feel better for seeing your words (and I hope the guilt subsides soon!).

For the record - my son is 33 (he also borrowed my car once (without my knowledge) - and seriously damaged it but never paid for it to be repaired so it ended up being written off (repairs would have cost more than the car!) and at that time, he had his own car body repair business!

You did the right thing. It was not unreasonable. I never say no to my daughter, I just agree with her all the time (why do I do that?) and sometimes she treats me rather badly. It's a mistake.

I agree with the others including Flick

Lor, he is a grown man (am supposing hes over 21). You have stated your reasons, they are perfectly sound, end of discussion.

Though I'm a tad with FlicketyB on this - If parents teach their children from an early age, that some things are just not possible, they would all grow up happier. I'm not talking about a few sweets, or a trip to the park - I mean the big stuff - No you cannot have £20 for no reason, or a new phone or stay out till all hours when you are 15 etc.
Children have to learn that some things are off limits, its almost cruel not to let them learn this lesson. We all have to qualify for that job, earn that salary, pass that driving test etc. Yes, I know I sound like a bossy old so-and-so but I saw too many unhappy 4 & 5 year old at pre-school who had been allowed to throw, spit, hit and run around the room. Once they were calmly told what was acceptable, fully understood everyone abided by such rules, we would watch them relax, join in and develop in leaps and bounds.

A bit harsh FlicketyB!

Holly remember the old saying "A mother's place is in the wrong"? Well in this case it's not - you are just thinking that it is. We seem to be unanimous on here that you were right to say "No". He might sulk for a bit though. Don't fall soft and start saying you are sorry. Our DC are quite good at emotional blackmail! for you.