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To Have Said No

(41 Posts)
HollyDaze Wed 16-Jul-14 13:18:53

I have posted on here before about this type of situation but it reared its head again yesterday and now I'm feeling racked with guilt.

My son came to the house in the morning and couldn't get in (I was in the shower) but I heard the dogs barking so I came down to see who it was. I saw him looking into the kitchen and giving the door a bit of an angry shove.

I opened the door and he was asking where the old pressure washer was. I told him that he said he didn't want it and when I had the skip delivered, he put it in the skip. He hummed and hawed and then asked if he could borrow the new one for work as they were washing down a roof (they are roofers and it's his friend's business - my son works for him) and the business one had just broken (I had put the pressure washer in the kitchen ready to use early in the morning so it wasn't it the shed where it's usually kept - I think that might have been why the door got an angry shove, the washer wasn't in the shed where he could have just taken it and he could see the washer in the kitchen but couldn't get to it).

As my son has a very long history of 'borrowing' things but not ever bringing them back, I said 'no'. He looked miffed. I explained that even if he did bring it back he would bring it back covered in crap off the building site. He still looked miffed. So I reminded him that when I asked him and his friend to fix my roof (it was only a couple of slates missing and a couple of leaks from the guttering) and they said they would - they didn't; I had to hire another firm that cost me a fortune for what was done.

He left feeling like a very unhappy bunny. If he had been responsible and returned my things in the past and if I knew he'd bring it back in the condition he took tit in, I might have said they could borrow it.

Am I being unreasonable and if I'm not, why do I feel so guilty and fighting the urge to phone him and apologise sad

ginny Wed 16-Jul-14 13:30:00

No not unreasonable . Friend should buy a new one , it's his business.

Ana Wed 16-Jul-14 13:32:56

Don't apologise! You're bound to feel guilty (it's what we do!), but it really is his own fault and I expect you're right, he was just expecting to take it without having to ask you first...

Elegran Wed 16-Jul-14 13:35:47

You were not unreasonable. His friend is in business, a new washer is part of his expenses. As you say, if you thought you would get it back immediately in the same condition as before, then maybe. If they are likely to either wreck it or keep it indefinitely - no way. You are not a free supply depot.

whenim64 Wed 16-Jul-14 13:42:06

No way, Holly! We all need to put our foot down every now and again. Hopefully, he'll come back and apologise for taking you for granted.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 16-Jul-14 13:52:02

I wouldn't have let him have it. I wouldn't feel guilty either.

sunseeker Wed 16-Jul-14 13:54:38

You were not being unreasonable, if they needed a washer in a hurry there are plenty of hire companies around who they could get one from. This would be a legitimate business expense which he could put against his tax liability, besides if you had put the washer in the kitchen ready to use then you obviously needed it that day yourself.

Aka Wed 16-Jul-14 13:56:03

Do not ring him or apologise. Everyone on here agrees you did nothing wrong (in fact he's probably overdue this lesson in life, you've been too kind up until now) and he needs to have a reality check.

Lona Wed 16-Jul-14 14:03:35

Don't feel guilty and don't apologise! *Ana's right, it is what we do, but that doesn't make it right.

I would make sure that the shed is locked up too, as anyone could help themselves.
He should be feeling bad that he (and his mate) didn't fix your roof.

You are not being unreasonable!

Soutra Wed 16-Jul-14 14:11:18

Well done you for sticking to your principles! Friend has a business so frirnd csn buy a new one on the business. Whether you would have been as firm if it had been your DS's personal use though is entirely another matter!!

grannyactivist Wed 16-Jul-14 14:21:52

Holly Good for you I say. I suspect that your son will have a little more respect for you and your things hereafter. smile

newist Wed 16-Jul-14 14:22:35

Its a good job they didn't run out of slates on the roof they were doing, or he may of borrowed some of yours. Don't feel guilty, they should of fixed your roof.

petallus Wed 16-Jul-14 14:30:13

Logically speaking, you certainly should not have to apologise.

However, I think I understand where you are coming from. I am just the same.

I think you should control the urge to apologise until it passes. smile

Charleygirl Wed 16-Jul-14 14:31:12

I agree with everybody else. It is just too easy to go and "borrow" indefinitely from mum, she will never say no. Wrong, you did exactly the right thing and guilt should not come in to it. If he cannot fix a couple of slates on your roof for free, I am afraid that he can whistle elsewhere for a pressure hose and anything else he fancies borrowing. The worm has turned, to coin a phrase.

FlicketyB Wed 16-Jul-14 14:37:35

Hollydaze if more mothers behaved like you there would be fewer spoilt brat children thinking the world owes them a living.

BeeWitch Wed 16-Jul-14 14:56:38

Hollydaze you did absolutely the correct thing. Have some flowers - flowers The guy that owns the business should have one of the washers anyway.

Gagagran Wed 16-Jul-14 15:04:33

Holly remember the old saying "A mother's place is in the wrong"? Well in this case it's not - you are just thinking that it is. We seem to be unanimous on here that you were right to say "No". He might sulk for a bit though. Don't fall soft and start saying you are sorry. Our DC are quite good at emotional blackmail! flowers for you.

petallus Wed 16-Jul-14 15:09:26

A bit harsh FlicketyB!

HildaW Wed 16-Jul-14 15:30:08

Lor, he is a grown man (am supposing hes over 21). You have stated your reasons, they are perfectly sound, end of discussion.

Though I'm a tad with FlicketyB on this - If parents teach their children from an early age, that some things are just not possible, they would all grow up happier. I'm not talking about a few sweets, or a trip to the park - I mean the big stuff - No you cannot have £20 for no reason, or a new phone or stay out till all hours when you are 15 etc.
Children have to learn that some things are off limits, its almost cruel not to let them learn this lesson. We all have to qualify for that job, earn that salary, pass that driving test etc. Yes, I know I sound like a bossy old so-and-so but I saw too many unhappy 4 & 5 year old at pre-school who had been allowed to throw, spit, hit and run around the room. Once they were calmly told what was acceptable, fully understood everyone abided by such rules, we would watch them relax, join in and develop in leaps and bounds.

Nonnie Wed 16-Jul-14 15:46:58

I agree with the others including Flick

KatyK Wed 16-Jul-14 15:54:31

You did the right thing. It was not unreasonable. I never say no to my daughter, I just agree with her all the time (why do I do that?) and sometimes she treats me rather badly. It's a mistake.

HollyDaze Wed 16-Jul-14 17:33:42

Thank you all for your support and kind words. It's daft isn't it - you know you haven't really done anything drastically wrong yet you feel guilty! Sorry to have put this on you for advice but I don't have anyone else to ask and check that I'm not being unreasonable.

I feel better for seeing your words (and I hope the guilt subsides soon!).

For the record - my son is 33 (he also borrowed my car once (without my knowledge) - and seriously damaged it but never paid for it to be repaired so it ended up being written off (repairs would have cost more than the car!) and at that time, he had his own car body repair business!

Elegran Wed 16-Jul-14 17:49:21

Definitely time to expect him to be a grown-up then, and not ask Mummy to mend or replace his toys. Particularly when he can't mend or replace hers.

HildaW Wed 16-Jul-14 18:03:51

The American's have a term for it...'Tough Love' Yes, they do trot out some nonsense sometimes....but this one is true!

Nonu Wed 16-Jul-14 18:39:18

I don"t think they trot out any more nonsense than we do !