daughters lack of confidence in us

Why then if they know BETTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR THEY DON"T STAY AT HOME TO LOOK AFTER THEIR YOUNG .

Just saying!!

The trouble is that we have benefit of experience and know that if a child does not get stuck into learning the piano, for example, when they are young, they will find it a jolly sight harder when they are older. How much to encourage (?push?)? - very difficult.

As jane says, equally critical comments could be made to parents for allegedly "pushing" their children. It's my view that it can cause far more emotional issues in later life if a child is constantly urged to do better and if his/her behaviour and educational achievements are always found wanting.

It's very upsetting to be told by our children that we have fallen short. I have experienced it myself - and I have to admit I dished out a bit of it to my own parents when I was younger. I expect a lot of people harbour some disgruntlement about various issues in their childhood but - unless they have experienced serious neglect - using it as an excuse for everything that goes wrong in adulthood is not very fair or constructive.

Thats great while they cant speak, but now the GC's are perfectly able to tell mum and dad exactly what went on at grandma's........... so no way could we ignore 'instructions'. It just puts us on edge, which is not how we want to feel given we are saving them a good deal of money for child care, which we do willingly.

You can't win there, Papaoscar. If you'd pushed him, you would have got the blame for him being stressed out because too much was expected of him.

I think it's probably the hardest thing in parenting, to strike a balance between encouraging a child to achieve his or her potential, and harming them by forcing them too far, but in the end they have to find their own level. Presumably your mature offspring is old enough to motivate himself to achieve whatever they want.

I like Sheryl Sandberg's motto: What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Is he using the fact that you weren't a helicopter parent as an excuse for not pushing himself now?

Many parents now are incredibly sensitive about how their children are brought up and the alleged inadequacy or inappropriatness of previous parenting customs and practices. We are facing a challenge in this area. That is doubts suddenly being expressed by our mature offspring about the way we brought him up. If only we'd pushed him harder all those years ago in this or that direction....etc., etc. This is causing us a lot of angst.

My own daughter and one d.i.l never said a word just bye bye when I looked after their children. However my other d.i.l wrote copious ordersinstructions. It didn't seem to matter than part of my job is advising parents about such matters, or that I'd looked after children in one way or another practically all my life. I just acted interested in the list. I did try to follow some of the orders instructions. If I couldn't I just kept my mouth shut or make a quick get away if I was dropping them off. I'd lie if I thought it would smooth things over.

Even so, Terrafirma, I was terrified when asked to look after first grandson when he was only 6 weeks old. His parents had to go back to work (not in the UK) and his Mum expressed breast milk into bottled for him.
As it happened, he was a sweet little lad, not much trouble, but the feeling of responsibility was huge. Much more than with my own babies.

Let's face it none us has the slightest idea of how to look after a baby or a toddler. Like Manuel "we know nothing! " . It's not as if we ever had any children of our own is it? But seriously - their babies, we were just as bad at teaching their grannies to suck eggs!

Thanks so much everyone for your advice none of my friends have this problem and its wonderful to feel I am not alone in this. I know my DD is anxious and a worrier, and have accepted this minute scrutiny without comment, but its not abated despite caring for both children for more than 4 years without incident, the eldest starts school next month!
Sometimes it just gets too much, like yesterday when we were going over to look after them. More detailed instructions just for an afternoon's care , and this time we reacted and said 'if you are not confident in our care then maybe.... etc. etc.' Something we do not want of course.
Would hate to fall out . She knows how much we love them both, they are our only grandchildren and they love us. We would never ever put them at any risk and watch them every minute.

I suppose we must accept it and try not see it as personal and remember we did after all bring up two daughters without anything terrible happening. I feel a lot better today. Thank you all.
PS I have kept our first child care manual which runs to 7 closely typed A4 pages. You never know one day we may laugh about it... perhaps!

Both DS and wife are anxious parents. DS is worst as he worries about both wife and child. When DGD, aged 6, made her first solo visit to us I was provided with a long list of and don'ts, by DS, not DDiL, and they constantly rang to see if she was OK. To such an extent that on the third day of her visit even DGD turned to me and said: ' I wish Mummy and Daddy would stop phoning all the time it is SO boring'.

However, as the first visit went so well and DGD keeps asking if she can come and stay again (she is). However DS has decided that they will now collect her a day earlier and than planned!

I console myself with the knowledge that DS is, and always has been, a compulsive worrier. At the age of 7, asked to write something about himself at school he wrote: 'I am aged 7. I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I worry a lot'.

I used to have detailed instruction sheets when the GS's were babies. Now she's just glad to have somewhere to leave them! Any time DD or DS get too paranoid about what I'm doing with their offspring I just remind them that I've hand reared one baby squirrel, two baby kittens and two baby humans (allegedly!) and they all survived

Even if we did a reasonable job as parents, things can change. For instance, nowadays babies are put to sleep on their backs, as being the safest position, whereas we were told absolutely not to do that.
Just accept your DD's lists etc and make use of whatever seems relevant. As others have said, she's just trying to do her best for her DCs and probably also hoping to help you.

Silverlining All my DCs were born in Hongkong.
When No 3 was due to arrive my poor mother came out to look after DS, DD and DH.

I still have the long list of instructions that I wrote out for her in the back of a recipe book.

It starts off: Rule No 1. Don't open the security door if you don't know who it is.
and continues in horrible detail to describe the minutiae of what the children have for breakfast ("Susie has thin scraping of marmite on her toast and the crusts cut off") and the preparations necessary to get DS off to school ("make sure he has got any reading books he brought home")

I cringe to read this now.

Don't take it personally. I'm sure your DD is just trying, as I was, to help.

They are just grateful I will have them..they come instruction free unless of course there is medication involved then I demand times/dosage etc! When DD1 went away for 4 days I did have a timetable but that was to help me deposit the lads at their different parties, sports events etc and oick them up again at the right time. Re food/weaning/routines etc they felt they were reasonably OK so maybe I knew a bit about child rearing!

I don't get strict instructions but if I'm told to do something in a certain way I do it to the letter because I can remember how annoyed it used to make me when my MIL ignored things that I said with regards to being with the children [not that it happened very often].

P.S.....I just smile sweetly and nod......then carry on in my own sweet way......which is hardly radically different, we just give him a bit of space, let him eat his meals as slowly as he likes and allow him to make a den under the stairs. He goes home saying 'I've had the best time ever Grandma'!!!

Oh silverlining, I've just had all this as we had GS (age5) to stay. Its as if we've never had children??? Am glad I'm not the only one who feels I am being vetted.....fgs I ran Pre-Schools as well!!!!

Liz46 Your description of what happens now made me laugh.

When they were babies it was me who asked DD for instructions about routines. DD printed and laminated a drugs regime for the youngest, as at the time it was extensive and complicated. I was grateful for that. Now they are 2 and 5 it's as Liz46 says, dump and run !
I wouldn't be offended if DD did give me a list. To be honest though, I'm not sure how much attention I'd pay to it

Silverlining, I think your daughter is just a bit anxious and you should not be offended. The first time I looked after my baby granddaughter overnight I was given three foolscap pages of instructions. I have a photo of me with my little granddaughter on my knee and I was showing her that she was not doing as she should have been doing! There were so many texts that I hardly had time to look after the baby.

Another baby later and the children are almost thrown into our house with no instructions as the parents leap away for a bit of freedom.

silverlining don't be upset about the constant text's etc maybe the parents are feeling guilty about leaving them and are finding it hard to ajust just answer what you have to and nod your head at the right time and things will settle down soon I'm sure.

The first time that I entrusted her first granddaughter to my parents for the day, i left a written minute-by-minute account of her daily routine. She seemed to survive OK.

Many many years later my mother presented me with the piece of paper with the list - she had kept it to laugh quietly at. At the time she had said nothing, just accepted it and (I imagine) did what she thought was best.

It is probably not the intention to question your ability but perhaps reflects her own anxiety about getting things right. Parenting has become such a minefield these days (and marketing of certain products ramps up all sorts of fears about nutrition, hygiene, etc.) that it's no wonder some parents become overly concerned about the smallest things.

I can understand that it is unsettling for you and it must be quite a nuisance too with all those phone calls and texts. Hopefully, once she feels more confident and relaxed in herself, things will get better.

DDs 1 & 2 always provided very precise instructions when the children were babies and I can understand that from the point of view of the baby's routine. They are fine now the children are toddlers and upwards and just let us get on with it. To be honest, I preferred that then I knew where I was.

DD3 has always been quite laid back - sort of ' if it screams you could try feeding it!'