Gransnet forums


daughters lack of confidence in us

(56 Posts)
silverlining48 Thu 07-Aug-14 09:59:13

does anyone else get lists of instructions lists, texts and phone calls every time they look after their grandchildren to check that all is well. Nothing untoward has ever happened and this constant supervision is making us miserable. We love seeing our grandchildren, and have spent lots of happy times together. None of my friends have this experience Any advice?

Mishap Thu 07-Aug-14 10:20:46

One of my DDs does this, the others do not. I just go with the flow and provide reassurances. I try not to take it personally! Last time I cared for GC I was asked to make sure I provided drinks of water!

Do not fret - some mums are like this - I am sure it is not a reflection on your competence!

GrannyTwice Thu 07-Aug-14 10:20:48

How old are the dgc? Are you talking about one or more of your dc and is it/ are they ddil or dd?

GrannyTwice Thu 07-Aug-14 10:22:14

Sorry - just seen it says daughter in the title.

gillybob Thu 07-Aug-14 10:27:03

I can honestly say that having looked after my three DGC 2 days a week from them being just a few weeks old I have never received any list or set of instructions on how to look after them. The occasional concerned text maybe if one of them has been under the weather, but nothing more. The difference might be that my son and DiL rely on me to have the children so they can work on those days plus the occasional night out, so perhaps they have thought that if they bombard me with instructions I might decide not to have them afterall. Or maybe they just trust that I will make the right decision as to the care of my grandchildren? My DiL is very laid back and never stresses over anything unless it has 4 legs, neighs and eats oats grin

I can understand you being miserable about this silverlining48 you must feel like pointing out that to be a grandma you are also a mother . Sorry can't offer any useful advice but I do hope someone comes along soon with some experience of this. smile

suebailey1 Thu 07-Aug-14 10:33:02

Not really had much of this except youngest daughter was horrified when I let her 18 month old have honey on some bread and butter ' not until he's 2 Mum!' she cried in horrified tones. He now at age 10 eats all his food covered in gloopy sugary sauces!!!
Neither of my daughters are at all encumbered by anything I have ever

kittylester Thu 07-Aug-14 11:57:58

DDs 1 & 2 always provided very precise instructions when the children were babies and I can understand that from the point of view of the baby's routine. They are fine now the children are toddlers and upwards and just let us get on with it. To be honest, I preferred that then I knew where I was.

DD3 has always been quite laid back - sort of ' if it screams you could try feeding it!' grin

Eloethan Thu 07-Aug-14 14:04:33

It is probably not the intention to question your ability but perhaps reflects her own anxiety about getting things right. Parenting has become such a minefield these days (and marketing of certain products ramps up all sorts of fears about nutrition, hygiene, etc.) that it's no wonder some parents become overly concerned about the smallest things.

I can understand that it is unsettling for you and it must be quite a nuisance too with all those phone calls and texts. Hopefully, once she feels more confident and relaxed in herself, things will get better.

Elegran Thu 07-Aug-14 14:32:23

The first time that I entrusted her first granddaughter to my parents for the day, i left a written minute-by-minute account of her daily routine. She seemed to survive OK.

Many many years later my mother presented me with the piece of paper with the list - she had kept it to laugh quietly at. At the time she had said nothing, just accepted it and (I imagine) did what she thought was best.

glammanana Thu 07-Aug-14 14:53:49

silverlining don't be upset about the constant text's etc maybe the parents are feeling guilty about leaving them and are finding it hard to ajust just answer what you have to and nod your head at the right time and things will settle down soon I'm sure. flowers

Liz46 Thu 07-Aug-14 15:29:15

Silverlining, I think your daughter is just a bit anxious and you should not be offended. The first time I looked after my baby granddaughter overnight I was given three foolscap pages of instructions. I have a photo of me with my little granddaughter on my knee and I was showing her that she was not doing as she should have been doing! There were so many texts that I hardly had time to look after the baby.

Another baby later and the children are almost thrown into our house with no instructions as the parents leap away for a bit of freedom.

ninathenana Thu 07-Aug-14 15:49:45

When they were babies it was me who asked DD for instructions about routines. DD printed and laminated a drugs regime for the youngest, as at the time it was extensive and complicated. I was grateful for that. Now they are 2 and 5 it's as Liz46 says, dump and run !
I wouldn't be offended if DD did give me a list. To be honest though, I'm not sure how much attention I'd pay to it grin

Eloethan Thu 07-Aug-14 16:40:31

Liz46 Your description of what happens now made me laugh.

HildaW Thu 07-Aug-14 17:39:16

Oh silverlining, I've just had all this as we had GS (age5) to stay. Its as if we've never had children??? Am glad I'm not the only one who feels I am being vetted.....fgs I ran Pre-Schools as well!!!!

HildaW Thu 07-Aug-14 17:41:46

P.S.....I just smile sweetly and nod......then carry on in my own sweet way......which is hardly radically different, we just give him a bit of space, let him eat his meals as slowly as he likes and allow him to make a den under the stairs. He goes home saying 'I've had the best time ever Grandma'!!!

Tegan Thu 07-Aug-14 18:21:31

I don't get strict instructions but if I'm told to do something in a certain way I do it to the letter because I can remember how annoyed it used to make me when my MIL ignored things that I said with regards to being with the children [not that it happened very often].

Penstemmon Thu 07-Aug-14 19:20:40

They are just grateful I will have them..they come instruction free unless of course there is medication involved then I demand times/dosage etc! When DD1 went away for 4 days I did have a timetable but that was to help me deposit the lads at their different parties, sports events etc and oick them up again at the right time. Re food/weaning/routines etc they felt they were reasonably OK so maybe I knew a bit about child rearing! wink

janeainsworth Thu 07-Aug-14 20:24:19

Silverlining All my DCs were born in Hongkong.
When No 3 was due to arrive my poor mother came out to look after DS, DD and DH.

I still have the long list of instructions that I wrote out for her in the back of a recipe book.

It starts off: Rule No 1. Don't open the security door if you don't know who it is.
and continues in horrible detail to describe the minutiae of what the children have for breakfast ("Susie has thin scraping of marmite on her toast and the crusts cut off") and the preparations necessary to get DS off to school ("make sure he has got any reading books he brought home")

I cringe to read this now.

Don't take it personally. I'm sure your DD is just trying, as I was, to help. blush

FarNorth Thu 07-Aug-14 22:01:38

Even if we did a reasonable job as parents, things can change. For instance, nowadays babies are put to sleep on their backs, as being the safest position, whereas we were told absolutely not to do that.
Just accept your DD's lists etc and make use of whatever seems relevant. As others have said, she's just trying to do her best for her DCs and probably also hoping to help you.

Deedaa Thu 07-Aug-14 23:33:50

I used to have detailed instruction sheets when the GS's were babies. Now she's just glad to have somewhere to leave them! Any time DD or DS get too paranoid about what I'm doing with their offspring I just remind them that I've hand reared one baby squirrel, two baby kittens and two baby humans (allegedly!) and they all survived grin

FlicketyB Fri 08-Aug-14 09:22:41

Both DS and wife are anxious parents. DS is worst as he worries about both wife and child. When DGD, aged 6, made her first solo visit to us I was provided with a long list of and don'ts, by DS, not DDiL, and they constantly rang to see if she was OK. To such an extent that on the third day of her visit even DGD turned to me and said: ' I wish Mummy and Daddy would stop phoning all the time it is SO boring'.

However, as the first visit went so well and DGD keeps asking if she can come and stay again (she is). However DS has decided that they will now collect her a day earlier and than planned!

I console myself with the knowledge that DS is, and always has been, a compulsive worrier. At the age of 7, asked to write something about himself at school he wrote: 'I am aged 7. I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I worry a lot'.

silverlining48 Fri 08-Aug-14 10:56:12

Thanks so much everyone for your advice none of my friends have this problem and its wonderful to feel I am not alone in this. I know my DD is anxious and a worrier, and have accepted this minute scrutiny without comment, but its not abated despite caring for both children for more than 4 years without incident, the eldest starts school next month!
Sometimes it just gets too much, like yesterday when we were going over to look after them. More detailed instructions just for an afternoon's care , and this time we reacted and said 'if you are not confident in our care then maybe.... etc. etc.' Something we do not want of course.
Would hate to fall out . She knows how much we love them both, they are our only grandchildren and they love us. We would never ever put them at any risk and watch them every minute.

I suppose we must accept it and try not see it as personal and remember we did after all bring up two daughters without anything terrible happening. I feel a lot better today. Thank you all.
PS I have kept our first child care manual which runs to 7 closely typed A4 pages. You never know one day we may laugh about it... perhaps!

Terrafirma1 Fri 08-Aug-14 11:20:10

Let's face it none us has the slightest idea of how to look after a baby or a toddler. Like Manuel "we know nothing! " . It's not as if we ever had any children of our own is it?grin But seriously - their babies, we were just as bad at teaching their grannies to suck eggs!

TriciaF Fri 08-Aug-14 11:53:51

Even so, Terrafirma, I was terrified when asked to look after first grandson when he was only 6 weeks old. His parents had to go back to work (not in the UK) and his Mum expressed breast milk into bottled for him.
As it happened, he was a sweet little lad, not much trouble, but the feeling of responsibility was huge. Much more than with my own babies.

Kiora Fri 08-Aug-14 12:56:08

My own daughter and one d.i.l never said a word just bye bye when I looked after their children. However my other d.i.l wrote copious ordersinstructions. It didn't seem to matter than part of my job is advising parents about such matters, or that I'd looked after children in one way or another practically all my life. I just acted interested in the list. I did try to follow some of the orders instructions. If I couldn't I just kept my mouth shut or make a quick get away if I was dropping them off. I'd lie if I thought it would smooth things over. blush