Question if you have an ex & remarried

My first husband was granted his New Zealand residency visa just over a year before Mr absent and I obtained ours. He lives a short distance away from us and often drops in for coffee. Of course, we have our daughter and grandchildren in common but sometimes I think he forgets that he isn't still married to me and also often refers to things we did during our marriage - as well as things he did afterwards that he thinks we did together. It's a somewhat odd situation but somehow it seems to work and Mr absent absent is okay with it.

If he is banging on, yes, she is not being unreasonable to be annoyed. But what proportion of his conversation is about that part of his past, and what proportion about the shared past he has with her? Is he comparing the two, or jujst remembering that there were good bits at other times too.

If he spoke of his happy childhood, i assume that would not bother her? It is that part of his past when he was with another woman that is annoying, but it sounds as though what he remembers with pleasure is that it was his first home away from his parents, not his home with his first wife.

You can't cancel out the past as though it never happened. It is still there in his history. I would not object out loud and rubbish his memories, but whenever he says anything about it again (or perhaps without that prompt) I would keep recounting happy memories of times together in their shared home, to underline those so that that they over-write the older ones.

It doesn't sound to me as though he's 'banging on' about the past. I'm just puzzled as to why you feel he shouldn't mention memories of his younger days and experiences at all, overthehill.

DH and I have both been married before and occasionally will make a comment about our first marriages - yes, we even mention the exes' names!

If you're secure in your relationship, I don't feel it should be a problem, but of course we're all different.

I don"t think it is mean of OVER to grudge him his pleasure in the 1st home

However, they have been together for 40 years for Christs sake, It is totally ridiculous for him to be banging on about the past.

I just would not put up with it !!

overthehill It is so annoying isn't it? Although neither of us have been married before, since his strokes especially, OH has great problems remembering any of our life or our children's childhoods but can remember details of his own childhood with great clarity. What's worse he has written me out of many anecdotes from the last few years. another friend finds the same thing! her husband will even tell her in great detail something which happened when she was there. Naturally any bits of humour or clever retorts are always theirs too.

Erm, I have touched on this before.

Other instances are he can remember clearly, the pram he and the ex had for his son and says things like 'they were good prams those Silver Cross' I then mention our children's pram and his mind his blank.

Of course we have been together for many years and he is s lovely man in so many ways that I just let it go.

What I wondered is there anyone out there who had experienced the same

I would be rather jealous if he went on about how happy he had been with his first wife, even If I knew that she had been a treasure and had not left him, but it is the house that he sometimes (not often) talks about.

He is so secure with you that he does not feel he has to hide the truth that he did actually have some good moments in his life before he met you. It is a bit mean of you to grudge him the remembered pleasure of having his first own home. Would you really want him to have been totally miserable all the time?

I think it is perfectly normal to reminisce on landmarks or milestones like getting your first home. I'd be pleased for my husband if he had been hurt so badly yet could remember at least some good times fondly.

It's not as if he is remembering the first wife specifically ...

I must be a saint

Good point LONA

Of course you could always try telling him how you feel and asking him not to do it.
He doesn't know if you don't tell him.

Maybe he feels so secure in his marriage to you, that it doesn't enter his (male ) brain these comments are unwelcome. I hope so

I think Ana has a point. Even so I think he's being damn insensitive.

There was a Scottish schoolmaster my father knew many many yearscsgo who was widowed but married again not that long after. As was the way it was a quiet wedding as they were neither exactly in their first flush of youth and the "reception" took the form of afternoon tea at their new home. My father was urged to have another scone and jam .....(ready?) "It's the first wife's making". No comment!!

I don't really see what's wrong in his mentioning his first home, as long as he's not singing his ex's praises.

LIMI
CSL

I would counteract these remarks by adding a few of my ow, such as Ah, yes I remember it well, when I first left home and Mum and Dad, and moved in with (Jack, Tom, Fred, etc;) and then emit a nostalgic sigh......Then go into the kitchen with a brew and a packet of chocolate biscuits!

OVER you must honestly have the patience of a saint, I would NEVER EVER put up with that, I really, really would not !