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Question if you have an ex & remarried

(43 Posts)
overthehill Sun 10-Aug-14 16:53:47

If you have been married before and then remarried how do you feel about the time with husband/wife number 1 or maybe 2 or 3 etc.

My husband was married for 9 years to his ex-wife and I to was married before for 6 years. We have been together 41 years and married 40 years come September.

The reason I ask is this, my first marriage although it must have had it's high points, I really can't bring them to mind and hardly give it a thought especially after all this time.

DH however, comes out with little snippets like this today, when he remarks on his first home he had and how it was special as it was his first home away from his mums place. Bearing in mind his wife left him for someone else it never ceases to amaze me how he looks back on pleasant times during this marriage.

Of course maybe I never quite matched up to his ex in his eyes. Although he has never left me in doubt that he loves me very much and is a good husband he does occasionally, not constantly come out with things like that which I find annoying and surprising.

Nonu Sun 10-Aug-14 17:10:20

OVER you must honestly have the patience of a saint, I would NEVER EVER put up with that, I really, really would not !


liminetta Sun 10-Aug-14 17:40:34

I would counteract these remarks by adding a few of my ow, such as Ah, yes I remember it well, when I first left home and Mum and Dad, and moved in with (Jack, Tom, Fred, etc;) and then emit a nostalgic sigh......Then go into the kitchen with a brew and a packet of chocolate biscuits! grin

Nonu Sun 10-Aug-14 17:44:23


Ana Sun 10-Aug-14 18:02:45

I don't really see what's wrong in his mentioning his first home, as long as he's not singing his ex's praises.

Soutra Sun 10-Aug-14 18:02:52

There was a Scottish schoolmaster my father knew many many yearscsgo who was widowed sad but married again not that long after. As was the way it was a quiet wedding as they were neither exactly in their first flush of youth and the "reception" took the form of afternoon tea at their new home. My father was urged to have another scone and jam .....(ready?) "It's the first wife's making". No comment!!

ninathenana Sun 10-Aug-14 18:46:45

I think Ana has a point. Even so I think he's being damn insensitive.

Iam64 Sun 10-Aug-14 19:32:28

Maybe he feels so secure in his marriage to you, that it doesn't enter his (male ) brain these comments are unwelcome. I hope so smile

Lona Sun 10-Aug-14 20:26:03

Of course you could always try telling him how you feel and asking him not to do it.
He doesn't know if you don't tell him.

Nonu Sun 10-Aug-14 20:54:20

Good point LONA

Grannyknot Sun 10-Aug-14 21:00:00

I think it is perfectly normal to reminisce on landmarks or milestones like getting your first home. I'd be pleased for my husband if he had been hurt so badly yet could remember at least some good times fondly.

It's not as if he is remembering the first wife specifically ...

I must be a saint grin

Elegran Sun 10-Aug-14 21:14:45

I would be rather jealous if he went on about how happy he had been with his first wife, even If I knew that she had been a treasure and had not left him, but it is the house that he sometimes (not often) talks about.

He is so secure with you that he does not feel he has to hide the truth that he did actually have some good moments in his life before he met you. It is a bit mean of you to grudge him the remembered pleasure of having his first own home. Would you really want him to have been totally miserable all the time?

overthehill Sun 10-Aug-14 21:45:19

Erm, I have touched on this before.

Other instances are he can remember clearly, the pram he and the ex had for his son and says things like 'they were good prams those Silver Cross' I then mention our children's pram and his mind his blank.

Of course we have been together for many years and he is s lovely man in so many ways that I just let it go.

What I wondered is there anyone out there who had experienced the same

Purpledaffodil Sun 10-Aug-14 22:02:32

overthehill It is so annoying isn't it? Although neither of us have been married before, since his strokes especially, OH has great problems remembering any of our life or our children's childhoods but can remember details of his own childhood with great clarity. What's worse he has written me out of many anecdotes from the last few years. angry another friend finds the same thing! her husband will even tell her in great detail something which happened when she was there. Naturally any bits of humour or clever retorts are always theirs too.

Nonu Sun 10-Aug-14 22:03:04

I don"t think it is mean of OVER to grudge him his pleasure in the 1st home

However, they have been together for 40 years for Christs sake, It is totally ridiculous for him to be banging on about the past.

I just would not put up with it !!


Ana Sun 10-Aug-14 22:31:49

It doesn't sound to me as though he's 'banging on' about the past. I'm just puzzled as to why you feel he shouldn't mention memories of his younger days and experiences at all, overthehill.

DH and I have both been married before and occasionally will make a comment about our first marriages - yes, we even mention the exes' names! shock

If you're secure in your relationship, I don't feel it should be a problem, but of course we're all different.

Elegran Sun 10-Aug-14 22:37:07

If he is banging on, yes, she is not being unreasonable to be annoyed. But what proportion of his conversation is about that part of his past, and what proportion about the shared past he has with her? Is he comparing the two, or jujst remembering that there were good bits at other times too.

If he spoke of his happy childhood, i assume that would not bother her? It is that part of his past when he was with another woman that is annoying, but it sounds as though what he remembers with pleasure is that it was his first home away from his parents, not his home with his first wife.

You can't cancel out the past as though it never happened. It is still there in his history. I would not object out loud and rubbish his memories, but whenever he says anything about it again (or perhaps without that prompt) I would keep recounting happy memories of times together in their shared home, to underline those so that that they over-write the older ones.

absent Sun 10-Aug-14 23:39:35

My first husband was granted his New Zealand residency visa just over a year before Mr absent and I obtained ours. He lives a short distance away from us and often drops in for coffee. Of course, we have our daughter and grandchildren in common but sometimes I think he forgets that he isn't still married to me and also often refers to things we did during our marriage - as well as things he did afterwards that he thinks we did together. It's a somewhat odd situation but somehow it seems to work and Mr absent absent is okay with it.

rubylady Mon 11-Aug-14 00:19:47

I've no experience of it in marriage (two marriages) but I did have an ex boyfriend when I got married and one day I mentioned the ex one time too many and my husband got really upset and angry and said if I wanted him to go but otherwise the talk about him had to end. I think it was more insecurity although I did have the chance to marry the ex boyfriend but didn't so why he was insecure I don't know. But then we were only just married and very young.

Like others have said, it sounds like he is remembering things not her from his first marriage but it would gripe if he could not remember the same in your marriage, I can see that. Maybe if he is recounting something from your past together, feign forgetting some details and then come up with a memory from marriage no. 1. See if he notices. Either that or tell him it upsets you. In my eyes being straight forward is the only way. smile

Coolgran65 Mon 11-Aug-14 00:41:30

He is being a little thoughtless.
I reckon that noone is a mind reader and if he doesn't know that it is upsetting then he can't do anything about it.
I'd say nicely.... ''' this is going to sound daft, but when you mention x y z I find it upsetting/hurtful/whatever and I'd really like it if you didn't mention x y z.''''

However, the hurt is perhaps not just him mentioning it but that he is thinking it.

thatbags Mon 11-Aug-14 06:51:03

If such talk upset me I'd say: "I wish you'd stop talking about your memories from the time of your first marriage. I find it annoying and I don't want to know." As others have said, if he doesn't know you don't like it it won't occur to him to stop doing it.

tanith Mon 11-Aug-14 13:25:39

I was married to my first husband for 20yrs and we had 3 children together so he comes up in conversation quite often with OH who I've also been married to nearly 20 yrs . He has no problem with my talking about my childrens Dad and in fact he and the kids and grandchildren often talk about all the holidays we had when they were little . Sadly he did die 2yrs ago but we still talk about him and how in those days he was a nice man but turned into an alcoholic as the children grew up hence our divorce.

I find it odd that a part of someones life is a no go area for discussion with a current wife/partner what on earth is wrong with remembering good times no matter who it was with. I would be most put out if I was banned from mentioning someones name with whom I spent time when younger I just don't understand it.

Eloethan Mon 11-Aug-14 15:30:48

overthehill I think it's far healthier for someone to feel comfortable enough to make a remark like that than to have to "censor" what they say about the past. After all, it was a fairly innocuous comment about a house and it related to a time when he presumably didn't even know you.

If he'd waxed lyrical about his ex's wonderful cooking, great dress sense, etc., etc., that would be a different matter and might indicate either a total lack of "emotional intelligence" or an intention to hurt.

But, since your husband has "never left you in any doubt" that he loves you, I think you are more fortunate than probably quite a lot of people. I hope that, on reflection, you can dispel those insecurities and take reassurance from the fact that you're still together and happy.

JammieB Mon 11-Aug-14 15:38:22

I would say....just chill! I've been VERY happily married to my second husband for 26 years but he still managed to introduce me to somebody calling me his first wifes name!! I can see the funny side of it - especially the stricken look on his face bless him!

susieb755 Mon 11-Aug-14 21:34:00

I love my DH dearly - but if he tells me about his first honeymoon night again I will kill him...