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I need some advice please

(24 Posts)
Estralita Sat 23-Aug-14 13:57:58

Hi, long time lurker here but hoping someone can give me some advice as my head is in a whirl. Sorry, but this may be long.

7 years ago I moved 300 miles from most of my family to help out my DD whose marriage had broken up, she had 2 DS's then. Since then I have remarried and she has too and now has another DD who is almost 3yo.

My DH and I have helped out as much as we could, taking them on holidays, school runs etc. I have looked after DGD since she was a few weeks old while DD worked, approx 2 days a week from 7am - 6pm, I received no payment (nor expected any), DGD and I have a very strong bond.

DD has fallen out with one of my DS's and they no longer speak to each other. Last week all my family which consists of 2 DS's and another DD and their respective children (7 in all) came to stay nearby so we could have some time together. We had a few days out and I took my DGD with us as DD was working, I also arranged that we should all go out for a meal together. At the meal I wanted a photo of all my family together as we dont have the opportunity very often but DD refused to be in the photo with the brother and his family that dont speak anymore. I said that as she couldn't do this one thing for me, which would have taken seconds, I was not going to be available to look after DGD next week at which she flounced out with a nasty remark and has now cut contact with me and blocked me on facebook.

AIBU to think that after all we have done for her and her family and the money we have saved them in childcare fees it really wouldn't have hurt her to stand in for a family photo for a few seconds with a bit of good grace.

I am now considering selling up here as we have no other friends or family here and moving back to where the rest of my family live, it will break my heart to leave DGD but if we are not allowed to see her then theres no point staying here.

BTW, this is not the first time DD has behaved like this, she is very selfish and entitled and has also stopped her DH's family from having contact with them due to some small so called offence.

If you have got this far then thanks for reading and even if you have no advice it has made me feel better for writing it all down.

Aka Sat 23-Aug-14 14:06:00

Reading between the lines I think, deep down, you already know what you want to do Estralita . There are never easy answers to problems like this, but I hope that the very act of writing it all down has helped to clarify it in your mind


Estralita Sat 23-Aug-14 14:09:40

Thanks for the reply Aka I just wish everyone could get along. Too much to hope for I suppose!

Galen Sat 23-Aug-14 14:15:31

That's families I'm afraid.

ninathenana Sat 23-Aug-14 14:23:07

I'm sorry I have no advice, since being on GN I am amazed at the amount of troubled families there are as I have no experience of this.

Regulars will know, I have posted a few times 'just to get it off my chest' re: my DD's ex. It does help, doesn't it smile
I'm sure someone will reply with the good advice GN's are known for.

Estralita Sat 23-Aug-14 14:53:52

Yes, a good rant works wonders and can help to clear the head grin.

Eloethan Sat 23-Aug-14 15:08:33

While you're still smarting about this, I wouldn't do anything so hasty as making arrangements to move.

Whilst I think your daughter was being a bit childish, she did at least come to the meal. Perhaps it was unwise of you to insist that she also be part of a family photo. Sometimes it's better to just let the people involved sort themselves out in their own time, rather than putting them in a situation in which they might feel uncomfortable.

I don't mean to be unkind but I think that saying you would be unavailable the following week to look after your grand daughter - who after all is not responsible for her mum's behaviour - perhaps provided a model for your daughter's tit-for-tat behaviour.

Has your daughter actually said you won't be able to see your grand daughter from now on? If not - and as you say it would break your heart to move away from your grand daughter - why not just carry on as usual and hope the dust settles?

RedheadedMommy Sat 23-Aug-14 15:50:58

Your DD and her brother don't get on. As hard as it is, you need to accept that. What happened for them to fall out that bad? sad
It would have to be bad for her not to want to spend a few seconds for a photo.

I think, you shouldn't of tried to blackmail her with 'if you don't do this, I won't look after the DGD'
You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do.
And your grandchild is loosing out there aswell.

If you still want to see your DGD and have a relationship then say sorry..then she will probley apolgies too. Take the lead. Good luck X

Estralita Sat 23-Aug-14 15:54:49

Eloethan I think I've stood back waiting for the dust to settle too many times, its like living on eggshells all the time waiting for the next thing I do to upset her.

Thank you for your advice, I wont make any rash decisions but I do feel very taken for granted atm.

Lona Sat 23-Aug-14 16:03:55

Estralita If I were you I think I would apologise for trying to make her join in with the photo and for refusing to look after your dgd.

I think the refusal was rather childish of you (but I don't know the history), and if she doesn't accept your apology, then you must make your decision as to where you want to go next.
Good luck flowers

Estralita Sat 23-Aug-14 16:34:48

They fell out over nothing! It was me and DS who had fallen out and she took my side, we made up but she carried it on, he was willing to put it behind them but she wasn't.

All I wanted was a photo of all my family together, it would have taken seconds and I didn't even expect them to stand near each other but she couldn't do that one small thing for me and it ruined the whole evening.

I had looked after my DGD for 3 days while the rest of my family was here which meant I hardly had any time to spend with my other DGC. I'm not in the best of health and I was absolutely shattered but not even a word of thanks.

I have done everything to make her life easier, more than I have done for my other DC and I think it is she who owes me an apology.

Thank you all for your opinions though, I will lay low and see what happens not holding my breath.

Estralita Sat 23-Aug-14 16:39:27

I have just been unblocked on facebook, I guess thats my apology!

NfkDumpling Sat 23-Aug-14 16:44:28

You don't say when the meal was or how long she has had to calm down and realise that she's stuck for childcare next week.

Yes, I would apologise, but let her know that you only lost your cool because you really, really wanted a photo of all your children because you're proud of them and love them all.

It wasn't as if you'd asked her to stand next to the estranged brother.

RedheadedMommy Sat 23-Aug-14 17:22:59

I think this is abit more than just a photo isnt it?
I think that was just the straw that broke the camels back.

Apologies to your daughter then tell her how you feel. You do sound like you do alot for her and you feel abit under appriciated.

Deedaa Sat 23-Aug-14 17:24:10

Sometimes you just can't get people together. My oldest Uncle and Aunt fell out over something - nobody else knew what, their siblings were all younger and were never told. I can only say that over 50 years later they still had no contact at all. When my uncle died my aunt did mutter something when she was told, but certainly didn't seem full of remorse.

I think you were pushing it a bit insisting on the photograph. Many people don't like being made to join in one - my DH for one! Turning her refusal into a deliberate slight against you was probably slightly unfair.

Summerisle Sat 23-Aug-14 19:47:35

It'd be best if everyone apologised here. Two wrongs never make a right and to be honest, withholding childcare as a means of making your daughter pose for a photograph she didn't want to appear in was never going to end well.

I wouldn't hurry to start selling your house on the basis of this particular spat but I would genuinely ask yourself if, in fact, you'd be happier moving back to where you have more friends and family. Don't think of this as abandoning your DGC but instead, more that perhaps it is time to put yourself first for a change.

petra Sat 23-Aug-14 20:09:04

I didn't speak to my sister for the last 34 years of her life. Harsh, you might say.
To give you a small insight of her nature, she once never came home on Xmas eve ( she came home Xmas day lunch) while her and her children were living with me.
It wasn't this that I fell out with her. People say that she was a very good social worker, shame that she didn't practice what she preached.

Soutra Sat 23-Aug-14 20:42:13

Are you determined your DD should apologise? I fear you may be "in the right" as you see it but it can be a lonely place to be. What is so special about a photograph anyway? Swallow your pride or live to regret the consrquences.

rockgran Sat 23-Aug-14 21:02:34

It seems that our children always have the upper hand. We need, love and want them more than they need us. It is just a fact of life. I agree that life seems to involve a lot of eggshell walking but what is the alternative? I know I would be heartbroken if I stuck out for a deserved but unforthcoming apology and in doing so lost my grandchildren. As Soutra says - you may regret the consequences.
I once inadvertently upset my DIL by taking a photo of her when she really didn’t want me to. I should have respected her reluctance to be photographed as it wasn’t worth the upset caused.

granjura Sat 23-Aug-14 21:08:06

Rockgran, you said exactly what I was trying to say- i'll crawl on eggshells if I have to, for the love of my grandchildren.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 23-Aug-14 22:36:40

Where do all these selfish kids come from? confused

What goes wrong?

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 23-Aug-14 22:39:50

Perhaps - just perhaps - it might be better to have a quiet think, try to get the bottom of the whys and wherefores. Even they occurred many years ago.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 23-Aug-14 23:00:18

If it happened only last week, isn't it a bit soon to be thinking of packing up and moving away because of it? confused

Sounds petty tbh.

Estralita Sat 23-Aug-14 23:20:37

Its not the first time she has thrown a strop like this and its not just me that gets treated this way. I really dont what is wrong with her but she seems to think she can treat people like this and she is always in the right.

She is always ranting about things on facebook and I have warned her that she is making enemies, someone has done just that tonight and she has deactivated her account again.

I am worried that she will leave DGD with her other 2 DC, the eldest is 14 but not responsible. If I apologise she will carry on with this behaviour and keep treating me like a doormat.

I think she needs a big wake up call before someone loses it with her and gives her a punch. I know I cant cope with it much longer.