to think the Idiot is wrong?

I didn't think I was being unreasonable! Thank you all for your replies.

DD is much stronger but not at the stage of rocking the boat by getting the police or solicitors involved. If she asks for any organised routine he just says his work is not predictable so nor would her maintenance be! And he does have a point that the nature of his business means that he often works over night or at weekends!

The children are almost 3 and 19 months old so as well as the children needing to see their father, DD (and we) need a break.

DD1, who knows about these things, says contact with a father has been shown to be vital, however bad they are, unless they are actually abusing the child. I have to persuade DH not to say what he thinks about that research!

What does the new girlfriend think? Hopefully she has seen the true side of his character and has cleared off before she is his next victim.

Your DD needs to talk to the police about the assault. Not necessarily to lay charges but to get it on record and get advice.

You're not being unreasonable. Our children come every weekend but I go out for a couple of hours each Saturday so that my husband can have time alone with them. I think it's important for the children to have time alone with their dad and for him to have time alone with them.

What a nightmare! I think your DD is being more than generous in allowing the idiot any contact with the chn. Supervised contact only! He, obviously, cannot be trusted to be civilised and rational. Sorry if this is an extreme reaction but I find his behaviour intolerable and

In view of his behaviour, I don't think the idea of staying overnight should come into it.
Do the DGC like spending time with him? If not, why persevere with it? If they do, then daytime visits only would seem like the best way.
Some good suggestions from Eloethan.

kitty I feel your pain and [anger]. Violence in front of the children (or indeed anywhere) is totally unacceptable.

Fortunately, my dgds are older and know only too well what an idiot our idiot is!

kitty, the man is clearly a moron. Do children really need regular contact with such a bad example of fatherhood ?

kitty, the man is clearly a moron. Do children really need regular contact with such a bad example of fatherhood ?

I think a family court would consider it reasonable to stipulate that a new girlfriend should be introduced gradually to the children, and should not stay overnight until some time has elapsed.

Unless your daughter wanted to involve her children as witness to his aggressive behaviour, which I'm guessing she wouldn't, it is just her word against his.

Might it be best for your daughter to conduct any discussions regarding sensible routines and arrangements for the children, plus any other concerns she may have, by way of e-mail? (Perhaps she could say that, in the light of his recent aggressive behaviour in front of the children, she did not wish to discuss these matters face-to-face.)

If her ex doesn't respond, she will have evidence of his unwillingness to discuss the matter sensibly. She will also have evidence that he doesn't deny his aggressive behaviour. If he does reply,using abusive or threatening language, this will support her concerns regarding overnight access. She would not, of course, have to be drawn into slanging matches with him, although the occasional angry remark might lead him to be less cautious about his own responses. Sometimes people are less careful about what they say in e-mails.

If he telephones and makes further aggressive remarks, does anyone know if it is legal for the call to be recorded?

What do the children feel about all this - were they upset when they didn't see him for six weeks?

Of course you are not unreasonable, particularly in the light of the violent behaviour / language. For children having to witness such a thing sounds abusive in itself, much more so than the presence of a new gf. It is so hard for you, as well as your DD, to cope with such a pathetic individual, but it seems to me that in this case it would be better by far that the children see less, not more, of him. for you and for your DD.

To answer your OP, kitty, no I do not think you are unreasonable to think the Idiot is wrong.
Stupid, selfish, immature, self-centred, just plain nasty are not unreasonable thoughts either.

Although I will say that DN's vile ex-husband moved in with his girlfriend and when they took the children on holiday the girlfriend was the one who kept more of an eye on them - he was more intent on enjoying himself than looking after them.

Kitty

Thanks for asking.

There is an irony in my reply that I know you will take at face value.

We are doing better now our idiot has a 'fiance', yes 'fiance' living with him. He did however do the right thing and the matter was approached with appropriately to protect our DGD with regard to her sleeping in his bed.

It's all so very difficult but we are probably at the best stage now the house has been signed over and he has his focus on other things. At the end of the day it has been a sad process but it was for the best but I think the effect on DGD will only surface in time but hopefully both of our DGC will not be as upset as we are.

Could your DD insist that a police check is made on any new partner, under the domestic violence regulations before she allows the children to stay?

The daughter of a DF insisted that her ex-husband had to have proper child car seats fitted in his car before she would let their children (both under 5) travel in it. Car seats are a legal requirement. He drove away and hasn't been seen since!

kitty what a dreadful situation and what a horrible man. I think you and DD are right to be as cautious as you can around him. How many more new girlfriends will he introduce the children to- no she shouldn't be there unless they are in a permananet partnership and she is proven to be kind and loving to the children.

It does not sound acceptable for the GC to be in the care (albeit temporary) of someone capable of what sounds as though it is violence pure and simple. Do the courts who gave permission for the access know he behaves in this way?

I can't imagine how you deal with all this worry kitty and my heart goes out to you.

Oh kitty what a bloody nightmare this guy is proving to be. Your poor DD.

I think your GDs still need time with their Daddy alone and it's far too early and confusing for them to have another woman introduced at this early stage.

Apart from that scenario though, physical violence and verbal abuse towards your DD is not on but even less so in front of their children

I would be going for less contact with this self centred B....... I know as a rule, children need contact with their Father but this waste of space doesn't appear to care about their welfare.

You are right POGS and I can't understand why our bright. capable, down to earth girl was taken in by such a low life. We could see it - why couldn't she! . How are you doing now?

Kitty

Always one foot forward two back isn't it.

We have progressed but it does sound as though your troubles are going to take longer.

Maybe she needs a tape-recorder in her pocket, too, to catch his idiotic insults.

We are Tegan.

She needs to keep a written record of that sort of thing .

OMG kittylester I think I would be seriously wondering whether I would want the children to have contact with such a violent, foul mouthed, sexist bully !!

How awful for your DD. I do hope she can rise above it and hasn't been too hurt by the experience. I think there is only one "total waste of space" in this situation and we all know who that is ! too.

She's just told me that, as he manhandled her out of the house in front of DGD3, he called her a fat, ugly, bitch who was a total waste of space!

He probably just wants a skivvy to clean up and cook after them.