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to think the Idiot is wrong?

(55 Posts)
kittylester Mon 03-Nov-14 12:42:12

The Idiot has had the children for one day (usually Sunday) over the past three weekends after not seeing them at all for about six weeks! DD decided that, as he was behaving like a grown up ( he's flipping 50 after all!), she would ask him if he would like to have them overnight. Her only stipulation was that his 'new' girlfriend didn't stay too!

He thinks that is unreasonable! Is it?

janerowena Mon 03-Nov-14 12:50:53

No, I think they should have a gradual introduction. I sent DD back to stay with her father and she was horrified to find a strange woman living in our old house. I was equally horrified when I went to collect DD to find her putting up xmas decorations - the relationship had been going on for ages before I left him and I knew nothing of her existence! So later on when I met DBH I waited for weeks before he was allowed to stay the night. Months even. I wanted her to be comfortable in her own house with him and check for myself that the relationship would be ok.

Ana Mon 03-Nov-14 13:07:35

Are the children familiar with the new woman? Does she spend time with them on the days the idiot has them?

gillybob Mon 03-Nov-14 13:20:40

I agree that there should be a gradual introduction to parents new partners and this should be done outide the home. For example taking children on an outing and asking if they would mind if "new friend" came along too. It would be awful for the children to visit the idiot their father and find another woman (not their mum) staying there. I agree with your DD kittylester his "new" girlfriend should stay away for a while and gradually meet the children on neutral ground.

Once this "relationship" is established and serious, though I can't see a problem and awful as it may seem DD would simply have to go along with it as she doesn't want to have to make her ex choose between his children and his new partner.

kittylester Mon 03-Nov-14 13:40:02

The children have met the 'new' (or not so new) girlfriend twice before at his new home without DD's knowledge.

The Idiot is convinced she is jealous but DD actually considers herself well off out of it!

He is having the children today as he is not working and, when she brought up the subject of needing some sort of a routine for the children and for them to be able to stay over, he picked her up by the lapels and threw her out!!

Apart from the fact of it being confusing for the children I feel it would be an appalling example to set if he went from one new gf to another.

janerowena Mon 03-Nov-14 13:53:45

He probably just wants a skivvy to clean up and cook after them.

kittylester Mon 03-Nov-14 14:08:29

She's just told me that, as he manhandled her out of the house in front of DGD3, he called her a fat, ugly, bitch who was a total waste of space! angry

gillybob Mon 03-Nov-14 14:15:12

OMG kittylester I think I would be seriously wondering whether I would want the children to have contact with such a violent, foul mouthed, sexist bully !!

How awful for your DD. I do hope she can rise above it and hasn't been too hurt by the experience. I think there is only one "total waste of space" in this situation and we all know who that is ! angry too.

Tegan Mon 03-Nov-14 14:29:22

She needs to keep a written record of that sort of thing sad.

kittylester Mon 03-Nov-14 14:30:38

We are Tegan. sad

Elegran Mon 03-Nov-14 14:35:17

Maybe she needs a tape-recorder in her pocket, too, to catch his idiotic insults.

POGS Mon 03-Nov-14 14:37:58


Always one foot forward two back isn't it. angry

We have progressed but it does sound as though your troubles are going to take longer. flowers

kittylester Mon 03-Nov-14 15:06:23

You are right POGS and I can't understand why our bright. capable, down to earth girl was taken in by such a low life. We could see it - why couldn't she! sad. How are you doing now?

Agus Mon 03-Nov-14 15:08:57

Oh kitty what a bloody nightmare this guy is proving to be. Your poor

I think your GDs still need time with their Daddy alone and it's far too early and confusing for them to have another woman introduced at this early stage.

Apart from that scenario though, physical violence and verbal abuse towards your DD is not on but even less so in front of their children

I would be going for less contact with this self centred B....... I know as a rule, children need contact with their Father but this waste of space doesn't appear to care about their welfare.

Mishap Mon 03-Nov-14 15:24:41

It does not sound acceptable for the GC to be in the care (albeit temporary) of someone capable of what sounds as though it is violence pure and simple. Do the courts who gave permission for the access know he behaves in this way?

I can't imagine how you deal with all this worry kitty and my heart goes out to you.

Teetime Mon 03-Nov-14 15:29:31

kitty what a dreadful situation and what a horrible man. I think you and DD are right to be as cautious as you can around him. How many more new girlfriends will he introduce the children to- no she shouldn't be there unless they are in a permananet partnership and she is proven to be kind and loving to the children.

FlicketyB Mon 03-Nov-14 15:42:35

Could your DD insist that a police check is made on any new partner, under the domestic violence regulations before she allows the children to stay?

The daughter of a DF insisted that her ex-husband had to have proper child car seats fitted in his car before she would let their children (both under 5) travel in it. Car seats are a legal requirement. He drove away and hasn't been seen since!

POGS Mon 03-Nov-14 15:50:17


Thanks for asking.

There is an irony in my reply that I know you will take at face value.

We are doing better now our idiot has a 'fiance', yes 'fiance' living with him. He did however do the right thing and the matter was approached with appropriately to protect our DGD with regard to her sleeping in his bed.

It's all so very difficult but we are probably at the best stage now the house has been signed over and he has his focus on other things. At the end of the day it has been a sad process but it was for the best but I think the effect on DGD will only surface in time but hopefully both of our DGC will not be as upset as we are. wine

rosequartz Mon 03-Nov-14 16:31:27

To answer your OP, kitty, no I do not think you are unreasonable to think the Idiot is wrong.
Stupid, selfish, immature, self-centred, just plain nasty are not unreasonable thoughts either.

Although I will say that DN's vile ex-husband moved in with his girlfriend and when they took the children on holiday the girlfriend was the one who kept more of an eye on them - he was more intent on enjoying himself than looking after them.

Icyalittle Mon 03-Nov-14 17:07:22

Of course you are not unreasonable, particularly in the light of the violent behaviour / language. For children having to witness such a thing sounds abusive in itself, much more so than the presence of a new gf. It is so hard for you, as well as your DD, to cope with such a pathetic individual, but it seems to me that in this case it would be better by far that the children see less, not more, of him. flowers for you and for your DD.

Eloethan Mon 03-Nov-14 18:50:34

I think a family court would consider it reasonable to stipulate that a new girlfriend should be introduced gradually to the children, and should not stay overnight until some time has elapsed.

Unless your daughter wanted to involve her children as witness to his aggressive behaviour, which I'm guessing she wouldn't, it is just her word against his.

Might it be best for your daughter to conduct any discussions regarding sensible routines and arrangements for the children, plus any other concerns she may have, by way of e-mail? (Perhaps she could say that, in the light of his recent aggressive behaviour in front of the children, she did not wish to discuss these matters face-to-face.)

If her ex doesn't respond, she will have evidence of his unwillingness to discuss the matter sensibly. She will also have evidence that he doesn't deny his aggressive behaviour. If he does reply,using abusive or threatening language, this will support her concerns regarding overnight access. She would not, of course, have to be drawn into slanging matches with him, although the occasional angry remark might lead him to be less cautious about his own responses. Sometimes people are less careful about what they say in e-mails.

If he telephones and makes further aggressive remarks, does anyone know if it is legal for the call to be recorded?

What do the children feel about all this - were they upset when they didn't see him for six weeks?

harrigran Mon 03-Nov-14 19:42:18

kitty, the man is clearly a moron. Do children really need regular contact with such a bad example of fatherhood ?

harrigran Mon 03-Nov-14 19:46:00

kitty, the man is clearly a moron. Do children really need regular contact with such a bad example of fatherhood ?

Lona Mon 03-Nov-14 19:53:08

kitty I feel your pain and [anger]. Violence in front of the children (or indeed anywhere) is totally unacceptable.

Fortunately, my dgds are older and know only too well what an idiot our idiot is!

Lona Mon 03-Nov-14 19:53:39