Why does such a petty thing seem so important to me?

You are all very wise! I have seen my DD today and I have been smiley and nice Mishap I think you have hit the nail on the head re the 'one thing'. I will try to forget it. Thanks all.

Mishap I adopt one of the cbt strategies you mention. I say uninvited guest, uninvited guest, get out of my brain. My dd's do chuckle.

No, not unreasable at all KatyK . I think it's the unjustness of it all that has got under your skin & I would feel exactly the same.

Katy - it really does sound as though you have life sorted in so many ways; but sometimes when we are under stress (as you surely are with poor OH being under treatment at present) there is just one thing that gets under our skin and we cannot make it leave our mind and find it hard to get it in proportion.

This is your "one thing" and it is clearly very trying and upsetting for you.

Personally I would not wish to be a part of a mainly young group out socialising because I would feel I was cramping their style a bit. Your DD probably sees you as acting your age (of which you should be proud) and this other woman as lacking dignity and unwilling to grow middle-aged gracefully. My DD has just been regaling me with details of her weekend away with girlfriends that she has just spent - and all I can say is it was "too much information" as they say!

I know how hard it is, but you would best be helped by trying to shake of this wretched "worm in the mind" and focus your attention on those bits of your life that are good - and some of those good bits will be other parts of your relationship with your DD, and things that are precious to maintain - this is why the sore topic of these outings might best be kept under wraps.

There are one or two CBT strategies that might help: when the thought enters your mind, use your conscious mind to tell it to f**k off; or imagine putting that thought into a railway carriage and watching it vanish over the horizon. Some people find these things useful, some don't; but worth a try to help bring you peace of mind.

No-one thinks you are being pathetic or silly, but I think we all want to support you through this time and help bolster your ego and fasten onto the good things.

I would be screaming and shouting at my DD telling her what awful company she was keeping, and end up totally alienating her, so dont do that! Keep the high moral ground and quietly despise this shallow manipulative woman for what she is, eventually your DD will see what she is like and will be able to drop her without the embarrassment of knowing that you were right and she was wrong. Also, a good point made by Alex I think, maybe this ghastly woman is keeping you and DH at a distance because she knows you have rumbled her.....take time out with your husband, and leave this terrible woman to her shallow life, which will soon be a rather lonely life as she runs out of people to bully.

nightowl - That is my point exactly. I don't expect to socialise with my daughter, it would be a bit odd but to be the only one excluded is not nice. I have spoken out about it in the past. I asked why all the mums were included except for me and DD reeled off various reasons, which seem perfectly reasonable to her but not to me. It has caused a few problems between us in the past so I am taking the advice given here and keeping quiet. Thanks again everyone.

Katy I don't think you are being unreasonable either. I don't expect to socialise with my DD and her friends but I would be very upset if I were the only mother who was not invited to these get togethers, even if I didn't choose to go. I'm not sure I could keep my mouth shut, though the advice to do so is probably sound. I think you are much more reasonable (and nicer) than me!

Thank you kitty

Not bitter and twisted at all Katy ((( hugs)))

I have friends of my own age group and two lovely sisters. I meet up with my friends regularly and am in regular contact with my sisters who are very supportive. I think I have become bitter and twisted! Thanks for the advice everyone.

Really good point,*harri*. I am often invited to things especially by DD2 and she also invites her Mil! I always say no so as not to 'cramp her style' but her Mil says yes, which DOES cramp her style a bit!

All three DD s and I do something together a couple of times a year, usually a meal and a show. In laws are not invited!

Although I get on well with their friends when we meet, as they do mine, we have different lives.

I do not socialise with my DD and DIL they are a different generation and have their own friends. I agree with Faye, mix with more people of your own age and interests. Resentment will only make you unhappy.

You are not being spiteful and I remember you posting about this previously KatyK and am sorry to read that it is still an issue. I am not sure what is up with your daughter and why is she is now inviting her Mil and not you. That has got to hurt your feelings. It does seem as though the woman who ignored your husband has a lot of sway in the group, maybe she is the reason you are not included. I do wonder about her, she knows who you and your husband are and she could not even acknowledge him and doesn't want to talk to you. Do you really want to mix with her?

I would not let your daughter know how you feel. Could you join some clubs or organisations where you could have your own social group. There are also meetups of other members of Gransnet. This could be a great time to take up some new interests, something you have never done before.

Jingl Flirting? My DH is 68 the last thing on his mind is flirting. He was trying to acknowledge her and say hello, we have met before. I have tried several times to chat to her but she doesn't want to know. She only speaks to people who she thinks 'matter' if you see what I mean. I have asked my DD if I could join their group but she nothing has changed. There is no malice here on the part of my daughter, she is just in a group and I am not part of it which is normal for her but upsetting for me. . I just don't like this woman's attitude. Maybe that is my problem not hers. Thanks everyone.

I would also be hurt.
Great advice given here.

Just to say that some time ago I made a post about feeling set to the side a little (a different situation) and the wonderful ladies here kept me right.

Eyes open, mouth tightly shut, and time will tell.

when you were at the fundraising do and your husband smiled at her a couple of times, she might have thought he was flirting with her! Why didn't you both go up to her for a chat? She would hardly have turned her back on you.

You could ask your DD outright if you could out with their group sometimes.

KatyK my best friend shed a lot of tears over her son in a similar situation. I told her she knows that you can see right through her shallow personality, hence the indifferent hostility.

You are not acting unreasonable to feel hurt. I think most or all of us would feel the same way.

What I would add, is not to feel that the woman is acting just to you like this.
I suspect she does it to the majority of people she comes accross.

I have met a person a little bit similar.
When she discovered that one of my children had in her eyes, moved up in the world, suddenly I went from persona non grata to someone worth knowing.
Her barriers disappeared overnight.
I am the exact same person now, as I was then, but presumably she doesnt see it that way.
Now she is chatty to me, but still snubs others around me as she used to.
It would be funny if it wasnt so pathetic.
I am not a rude person, so do chat to her, as I do to other people.
But her actions have been ridiculous.
I dont suppose she will change now, but she has missed out on interesting and worthwhile conversations with people.

I hope so Lona thank you.

KatyK It certainly isn't petty, these sort of incidents can be very hurtful. She sounds a truly nasty person to me.
As others have said, rise above it and be the better person, I'm sure your dd will see her true colours eventually.

Thank you rose. Yes it would be nice to be asked. Nice of you to say that perhaps my DD would think I wouldn't like to leave DH alone. This has been
going on long before DH was diagnosed however. Thanks again everyone, I am going to take your very good advise and keep stum.

KatyK

Lots of lovely advice on here from all the kind and wonderful Gnetters (probably nicer than me!).

I will just say that I would be upset and hopping mad too! It's not nice to be excluded so you are allowed to be a bit spiteful - but only when you are speaking to us. Keep quiet and don't say anything to your DD. Perhaps she thinks you wouldn't go out at the moment and leave your DH on his own.
This woman sounds awful - like someone I saw today who was gushing all over DH but ignored me even when I said hello to her. Luckily lots of other people were there too, and a friend noticed so we had a little miaow together about her!

I know how you feel - you wouldn't want to socialise with this woman but it would be nice to be asked! [grrrr]

Thanks for your good advice everyone. No the last few years haven't been good, one thing after another really. I am sure I am over-reacting. My DD is a good person, she has just gone along with it all.

Ok, Grannyknot you took the words right out of my mouth!

I think it's because you are having such a hard time that this hurt so much. Ignore the situation and enjoy your lovely husband's company.

The long game is always best, when DD got married MIL"S were the best thing since sliced bread, I felt shut out, but kept my mouth shut.

Guess what, 8 years down the line ^they are NOT the best thing since sliced bread.

Bid your time KATY it will all come good I know, you are a lovely person.

Concentrate on darling hubby and the two of you !!