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Why does such a petty thing seem so important to me?

(48 Posts)
KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 15:16:14

I have mentioned on here before about my DD's relationship with her friend's parents, especially her mother. Before I go on, yes I am jealous. I used to think DD and I were close. To cut a long story short, since she has been friends with this particular girl, they have formed a group who socialise and go to barbecues, parties etc, all the mums/nans are included in this group except for me. I have lately learned that my DD's mother-in-law is also included on some of these occasions (my DD hasn't got on with her mil in the past but now they get on well). I have a particular issue with the friend's mother. My DD is always singing her praises. I have met her on a few occasions and have always found her to be rather rude and sort of 'look at me, I'm in with the in crowd and you are not'. My husband has told me to pull myself together, stop being jealous and be nice. So on the next occasion I met her, I asked her how she was enjoying her retirement etc. She talked at length about herself, ending with 'sorry I didn't catch your name'. OK whatever. I told DH and he said, well you tried. About 3 weeks ago we were invited to a short, fundraising 'do' where this woman was in attendance. My DH, who she has met before, told me afterwards that he had caught her eye (twice) and smiled and she had turned her head away from him (she's a friend of the Lord Mayor don't you know so obviously doesn't want to speak to the likes of us). DH has recently been diagnosed with cancer and has been to hell in a handcart, she knows this and I am furious that she did this to him and upset that my daughter thinks that someone like this is 'lovely'. They are all out on a jolly today and I am sitting here festering angry I am tempted to tell my daughter, but she will say I am just being spiteful and we will fall out. I have to say at this moment I feel pretty spiteful. DH says 'forget it, she is nothing to us'. Why am I so bothered about this when we have real problems I wonder?

Nonu Sun 09-Nov-14 15:32:50

Oh KATY this must be awful for you, Can I send a (HUG).x

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 15:35:52

Thank you Nonu.

Mishap Sun 09-Nov-14 15:40:03

Oh - isn't it a pain! You poor thing. I know how you must be feeling. Something vaguely similar (which I will not outline online) happened to me and I had to have a stern talk with myself to make me get it in proportion. Don't let this come out in the open as a bone of contention with your DD - ask if she had a good time, sound pleased if she says yes. You can do no more.

I bit my tongue and reaped the rewards as I have an excellent relationship with my DD and I know she would be very distressed if she knew how it had hurt me.

You can see through this person, your DD cannot - she is too young. Hang on to the good bits of your relationship with her and let this pass. Hard I know, but the right way forward I am sure.

Have a hug from me and keep smiling. Just because your DD is being seduced by this woman's wiles does not mean you have to lose the good bits of your relationship with DD.

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 15:48:11

Thank you Mishap - your advice is always very wise. You are right of course. I won't speak out. We have had problems over this before so I won't make things worse. Sometimes you have to let it out don't you? Gransnet is the best place, I can't get myself into trouble here!

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 15:52:07

On reading my post back, it sounds pathetic, like I should be in the playground! Strange how little things can get to you even when you have big things to cope with. Getting it into proportion is the right expression.

janeainsworth Sun 09-Nov-14 15:59:00

Katy It sounds horrid - but as usual, Mishap is right. You do have control of the situation - you can choose whether to show your feelings and risk alienating your DD, or you can choose to focus on the good things, in the knowledge that 'this too shall pass'.
Your DH sounds lovely - why not go out somewhere nice for lunch with him, and just enjoy being the two of you together flowers ((hug))

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 16:06:01

jane - yes he is lovely. We do lots of nice things together (both retired). He is having 37 consecutive week days of radiotherapy at the moment, but we try to fit good things in between.

Eloethan Sun 09-Nov-14 16:14:30

KatyK This woman does sound rather unpleasant. The remark "sorry, I didn't catch your name" was, I think, particularly discourteous, and I can understand you feeling upset about your husband being snubbed. Perhaps she is one of those people that can put on a good show when she feels like it - and your daughter has been fooled by this.

I worked with someone like that years ago. She could be funny, sociable and great company. But she also had a very nasty, immature side to her - forming little "cliques" and encouraging them to gang up on people. If the woman you describe is similarly manipulative, I expect in time your daughter will eventually see that side of her.

It must be very upsetting feeling as if you have been side lined by your daughter, when you have always been so close. I would feel very hurt too. I'm not sure how you can deal with it, other than to try to focus on other people and activities that make you happy.

Charleygirl Sun 09-Nov-14 16:17:22

I agree with all that Mishap has said. You do not want to fall out with your daughter. Try and smile when you really feel like sticking daggers in.

I feel for your poor DH, that is horrendous and must make him feel exhausted. Concentrate on him, enjoy life and try to forget the other petty squabbles.

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 16:21:34

Thanks everyone. The smile is on, the mouth is zipped. You are all lovely. I can't believe I even posted this petty stuff, when we are going through the mill. Charleygirl - DH is doing quite well with the treatment. He is not too bad so far, a means to (hopefully) a happy end.

Eloethan Sun 09-Nov-14 16:24:16

KatyK I've just read your 15.52 post. I don't think you're being "pathetic" at all. You are, understandably, hurt and angry - and I think all of us genuinely feel for you.

I hope your husband's treatment continues to go well. Best wishes to you both.

Charleygirl Sun 09-Nov-14 16:25:27

Katyk it is better out than in and you can shout and scream on here as much as you want and it will not upset the family relationship.

I am pleased to hear that DH is quite well and not too tired with the aggressive treatment.

Mishap Sun 09-Nov-14 16:26:45

Eleothan is right - I am sure that no-one sees you as being pathetic. You feel hurt and that is understandable - you have a lot of stress in your life at present.

Tegan Sun 09-Nov-14 16:27:57

Your post doesn't sound pathetic at all. Now, usually on forums I tend to assume that there's always another side to the story but, in the case of this woman, imo there isn't. She's rude and obnoxious and she doesn't deserve to have someone like you in her social circle [she's damned lucky that you're so nice; anyone else would have verbally attacked her before now]. Just keep letting off steam here and remain on the moral highground [although I do understand how hard that is when it's your DH that she's being horrid to]. One day your daughter will see through her.

Sue162 Sun 09-Nov-14 16:31:11

Goodness, I couldn't agree more. I often have to have a stern talk with myself and find it does help! So does punching a pillow, very hard!! I think your daughter will eventually find out what this woman is really like. These people tend to turn on everyone in the end. I have had experience of a similar nature (though not with my daughter) and look back on it, glad that I didn't say anything at the time. Look after your lovely DH and be sure that by not rising to it, you will win out in the end. Big hugs. flowers

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 16:38:00

Gosh you are all so nice. It's brought tears to my eyes reading these. Thank you SO much.

glammanana Sun 09-Nov-14 16:39:29

KatyK You do not sound pathetic at all in fact you sound a very caring mum and you hubby sounds a sweetheart I do hope he is well now and on the way to recovery its a very stressful time for you
Your DD will see in time what this woman is like people like that always fall hardest in the end even if you are friends with the Mayor grin did I ever tell you I was in the same class at school as our Lord Mayor ? he was a bully and I made his nose bleed when he picked on my twin brother blush

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 16:50:03

glamma grin

FarNorth Sun 09-Nov-14 16:57:30

And would you really want to spend time in that woman's company anyway, KatyK?
A stone in the shoe is only a little thing but it can cause a lot of pain - just keep on keeping on. smile

KatyK Sun 09-Nov-14 16:58:56

No I wouldn't FarNorth thank you.

Grannyknot Sun 09-Nov-14 17:00:19

katy perhaps the strain of the situation with your DH's health is making you more touchy in other spheres of your life, maybe that's the answer to your question.

It's that woman who is so up herself who is being pathetic. And given that she would probably get some satisfaction out of getting a reaction from you, absolutely rise above it. You've got way more important stuff than that on your plate at the moment.

Sue 162 is right, play the long game smile flowers.

Deedaa Sun 09-Nov-14 17:47:34

Honestly KatyK this woman doesn't sound like someone you would want to socialise with anyway. Go and do things you enjoy with people you like and leave her to her in crowd. If your DD likes spending time with her so be it, you can't do everything together. Don't upset yourself worrying about this unpleasant woman -she really isn't worth it flowers

Nonu Sun 09-Nov-14 17:48:49

The long game is always best, when DD got married MIL"S were the best thing since sliced bread, I felt shut out, but kept my mouth shut.

Guess what, 8 years down the line ^they are NOT the best thing since sliced bread.

Bid your time KATY it will all come good I know, you are a lovely person.

Concentrate on darling hubby and the two of you !!

kittylester Sun 09-Nov-14 17:53:10

Ok, Grannyknot you took the words right out of my mouth! grin

I think it's because you are having such a hard time that this hurt so much. Ignore the situation and enjoy your lovely husband's company. flowers