Don't like family gatherings

My DD certainly does not deserve me in her life anymore and after my DS was rude earlier to me, then I am booking an appointment with the hairdresser instead of paying for his wallpaper to make his bedroom look nice to impress his girlfriend. When will they learn? Or us, for that matter, that we have to put ourselves first and them second. I've brought mine up single handedly too but it's not done them any good for all they show the respect back. I wish I had my time over again, it would be so different. I'm first from now on before anyone.

I have commented before that I don't think I have a sense of humour. Having read some posts on here, I'm rather glad I don't. Perhaps I should put these jovial little comments down to too much Christmas sherry – it sometimes happens when people get old, especially with women. That would be a charitable response.

We love our children SO much it is only fair when "what goes around comes around".

I think it would be very possible to be bullied by adult children if you are on your own. Somehow being part of 'Mum and Dad' seems to have more gravitas than being just 'Mum'.

I hope my kids would never be anything like as bad as the OP's, but they can sometimes seem to gang up on me when they don't agree with my point of view. They would never want to deliberately hurt me though.

What happens to the love? Where does it go?

A few years ago I took time off work to help my daughter with her toddler and new born baby [her husband had gone away on business for a few days]. One day she jokingly told me how she and a friend of hers had been laughing about the silly things their mums did [not throwing stuff awake and suchlike]. I know it wasn't meant in a nasty way, but I wanted to point out that I was using up my annual leave to help out and I was upset that they had been joking about me behind my back. I had to excuse myself and go upstairs for a while where I had a little weep. I sometimes think that our children believe that we develop a thick skin when we get old and can take people giggling about us .

NoNu - I dont know why you think there is anything funny about all of this. I can assure you that there are some quite awful adult children out there. One of my children was mouthing off like some big shot in her own opinion "that I would be less boring if I got myself some Heroin". If there is one thing about me I am very against drugs. I dont approve of alcohol either.
Some of these adult children think they have the upper hand because Chicken was a single mother who worked hard to provide for these children. Chicken says she is now alone apart from these adult children who are so unpleasant to her.
What these adult children need to remember is that Grandmother and Mother were people in their own right before children, after children single mothers were the parents who stayed an faced responsibility. If single mother can go through all that they can step out on their own and find a life where nasty loudmouths do not get a look in. They stop our own self esteem but really they are showing themselves up.
I have one seriously nasty adult child and the time is coming when I will just give up trying to deal with her stupidity. Her loss.
I am not Chicken 2009 but I whole heartedly agree that mothers should not be expected to tolerate the bad conduct of the children.
Suganpufffairy

Well each to his own , obviously you think I am out of order, but that was my take on it , it does not make me a bad person, just that different people have different views on things . Everyone to his own.

I hope CHICKEN responds and tells that things have maybe improved, that would good.
[tychsmile] to you CHICKEN
I will PM you.

I have to agree with Soutra there, Nonu. Can I ask why you thought this was funny?

It might have been more welcoming not to treat the whole issue of chicken's predicament as one of the best laughs of Christmas

I have not seen your name before CHICKEN , so may I be the first to welcome you to this forum and Hope you enjoy it !!

That is very unkind Nonu and unlike you Chicken has had a very raw deal from her ungrateful family and I for one did not take this as a wind up.

This may be one of the best laughs of Christmas !!!!!!!

A little wind-up maybe ??

I agree with Lona and Soutra. Good natured ribbing [a bit anyway] is acceptable, but not what you had to endure.See your children one at a time in future if it doesn't stop and avoid the big gatherings.A Christmas spent on your own would be better than one where you feel close to tears because of this cruelty.

A full -on confrontation is clearly not your style and I think that a barney would/could make you very unhappy so how about approaching them individually over a coffee and gently asking if there is a genuine hygiene problem or if they can recommend a hairdresser/ style? If asked "Why" just say you felt humiliated and victimised at remarks which may have been meant as a tease, hurt you to the quick. Forgive me if I say you might have put yourself at the end of the priorities list for so many years you may have become a doormat. Unselfishness in parents sadly does not always produce the same response. You will not be cut off, but your 2015 resolution has to be to consider yourself and value yourself.
Try WI, U3A, volunteering at your local hospital coffee shop or a charity shop they will be friendly and welcoming. If you find a kindred spirit suggest a coffee or a cup of tea together and build up a little circle of acquaintances ho may in time become friends. I can put myself in your shoes as can many of us here- we want to be loved by our children as much as we love them.
"That " as Dame Esther would say "'s life". Good luck!!

Same here, Lona. My two sons are always taking the mick. However if one of them said anything about me or my house smelling I'd take it very seriously because I have never had a sense of smell. In fact I tell them to tell me, because when my husband died I lost my sense of smell.
I always leave the bathroom windows open. They complain about it being like an icehouse in there, but it doesn't smell!
Chicken, if you ever go into their houses again, go straight to the bathroom and open the windows. That'll teach them.

I`m glad you have your lovely Granddaughter.

Chicken I do feel sad for you, they are very rude.
If they ask why you aren't going to any future get-togethers, I would say quietly,"Why would I want to come and be ridiculed and humiliated by my family?"

My dd and ds take the mickey out of me a bit when we are together, but in a jokey affectionate way. They would never want to upset me, and I'm sure yours don't realise how much they're hurting you.

Plus, I suppose, if I was honest, I am frightened of their reaction if I said anything. I have however said that I am not coming to any family get togethers for a while. I was sent the invite today to New Years eve get together ( the last one to be consulted of course, everyone else had already opted for the time that suited them. I have said I have other plans.

Thank you all for your kind comments. I must admit I am feeling very hurt. I have always stood up for my childrens right to lead their lives the way they want as long as its not hurting anyone. Unfortunately the same doesnt seem to be applied to me. I will tell them I am upset. And I will spend less time with them. The problem is I am frightened of cutting myself off and being alone. I have no idea whatever how to adopt another family...I dont know anyone that well, or that closely. I do belong to groups etc but again I dont have any close friends in any of them. I am not by nature a gregarious person. I have bought them all up as single Mum and was always busy either looking after them or working. Now I am retired and I dread the future. I dont have any family of origin. I have never remarried, I was too busy bringing them up, and by all accounts a devoted mother. I always tried to put them first. I think the main problem is that they just dont THINK enough as to how I feel, and if I do tell them I am upset they just brush it off as something I will get over in a few days. My main comfort is my grandaughter, we are very close and she is very loyal. In truth she is almost the only person who considers how I feel. Shes 13.

I failed in the bathroom department last week. There was enough loo roll when I checked the guest bathroom before arrival of family but did not allow for the extra runny noses that got a good blow whilst in there. During the evening SIL came downstairs and said he hoped I didn't mind but he had gone through the bathroom cupboards looking for a fresh roll. Thankfully there was one but I felt awful at not having left it in an obvious position

So pleased merlotgran that I am not alone in my thinking or my cynism.

Well, here comes another flippant remark....Sorry!

If a member of my family suggested that I'd left a bad smell in the loo the last thing I would do would be to announce it on Gransnet.

I've always thought it's the host's responsibility to ensure that visitors are comfortable in the loo department especially when a lot of people might be using the same facilities.

They should provide a pleasant room scenter spray - not one of those sickly air fresheners that gives the game away, floral scented hand wash, fresh towels and a discreetly placed pack of seat wipes.

They should also check the window opens easily.

I'd tell 'em to get their house in order, chickenbrain

chickenif I was flippant in my first reaction to your post I apologise,but I still can't quite get my head around your family and do think you must confront them with their appalling bad manners towards you. Good luck but stay strong.

I believe you have the right idea chicken in that you have no intention of changing your hair or anything for your children. Nor should you be expected to pander to their bad manners.

I also like two posts where harrigran said "they are not rude to us because they would only do it once." Also Cretin dealt with her daughter in such a way that let everyone know she won't tolerate rudeness.

One more thing, having to come up with quick replies or trying to outsmart a group of people's rudeness will most probably backfire and give them more ammunition to ridicule.

I really think you have to do as Cretin did or speak to each of your children individually.