Don't like family gatherings

I don't like family gatherings either. I'm ok for about 2 hours then I just get bored. It's all the small talk & pretending to be oh so happy.

But your family do sound exceptionally awful, I'd invent a bad dose of flu next year & spend Christmas on the sofa with a nice box of chocolates.

I wasandin equal measure when I read your post Chickenbrain, it is awful to be treated in such a mean and disrespectful manner by members of your own family, especially your own children.

You could speak to them individually perhaps telling them that their rudeness is an embarrassment to you, and you cannot understand why they've turned out the way they have, rather than telling them how upsetting their behavior is.

You could, perhaps having a pretty good idea of the kind of comments to expect, rehearse a few responses and take them all down a peg or two. I do think that it would be a good idea of you weren't available for at least the next get together and maybe the one after that too. Who knows, they maybe sensitive enough to realise why you're not going.

Here's a thought; why not get the most outrageous wig you can find and wear that to the next family do. If it's really awful, that alone may render them speechless.

What ever you decide I do hope that you will be able to enjoy family gatherings in 2015 and that if not you, some one is able to make your children see how cruel and insensitive they are.

During a visit In April this year my youngest daughter announced to a house full of her friends and visitors that "nannies feet stink" ! Needless to say I was mortified .. I went upstairs to my room washed feet changed socks although I was sure my feet did not smell and my nose was in full working order ... and returned downstairs my daughter noticed that I was quiet and I announced to the same group of people that I was offended by her rudeness and that I had not brought her up to behave like this ... The room went silent ... My daughter did not talk to me for the rest of the day , but the next day after she had slept on it she apologised and so far has not been so rude to me ....
Fingers crossed ... Chickenbrain you are a mother who deserves respect ....

I find that when DC visit together they end up talking to each other and DH and I usually end up in the kitchen with GC or playing in another room. They are not rude to us though because they would only ever do that once

They are beyond rude and I would speak to each one of them alone and ask them what is the reason for their crass behaviour. When they say it's just in fun, people like that use that type of excuse, then tell them exactly how hurt and upset you are. Let them know you will never let yourself be put in that situation ever again.

Until they have all apologised I would only see them separately, even if that means you have to make other arrangements for Christmas. I would also never give a gift to such a rude person as your daughter, take her off your gift list. I would probably disinherit them too but that's me, I couldn't put up with such behaviour.

Best Wishes

I really feel for you but I think you need to make it clear that their behaviour and comments are hurtful and unacceptable. It maybe that they think they are joking but they have over stepped the line.
I remember my mother telling my sister very clearly that 'she would never have spoken to her like that if she wasn't on her own'.
I do hope things were better over Xmas this year"

I agree annsixty and Anya

Absolutely do not change your hairstyle if you are happy with it!

Whenever I get an unwanted opinion my retort is, "when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you"!

Any other toilet jibes, point to one of you DC and say, there's the culprit, wasted my time toilet training him/her!

Your DC don't sound like happy people which is not your fault.

Thatbags humour to defuse, I like it. I can't think on my feet quickly under duress. But I find it fascinating reading/hearing how others deal it out.

gamily? That's a new one!

Family

I also agree with elegran. Open the bathroom window wide and leave it for someone else to close. Perhaps a retort such as "oh well, never mind, I don't like your hairstyle either so we're quits".

I agree with alex57. Try yelling at them to "stop being so damn rude!" and if that doesn't work just leave. They ought to feel embarassed enough to apologise. If I were in your position I doubt if I would want to be in the company of such people, gamily or no. Good luck

Well said Elegran

Don't bother telling them that you are hurt, that just gives them a chance to say how thin-skinned and whingy you are, with no sense of humour.

Next time one of them comments on your hair, laugh and say "Well, it is nowhere as bad as XXXX's was that time - do you remember? I didn't comment at the time because it was up to her what she did with her hair, just as it is up to me what I do with mine now"

Does their bathroom have a window that opens? Next time you are in there, open it really wide, and if the next person in comments on how they are frozen stiff, say that at least it is smelling very fresh now, and that whoever was in there before you could have opened it earlier.

Don't waste your time and skill making special hand-made presents for people who can't appreciate the effort that has gone into them. Stick to boring bought ones as she won't know the difference.

Keep away from big gatherings, it doesn't sound as though you enjoy them. Have a "previous engagement" when you are invited to the next one. No point turning up to suffer again.

If they discuss you when you're not there, and they behave disrespectfully to your face en masse. Short of shocking them regarding their rudeness, I can't see what options are open to you.

Thanks for all your kind suggestions.

They are much better individually. Somehow when they are together they feel able to pile in. As for the professionally styled advice etc, I am not sure that would work. I fail to see why I should go to a professional stylist just to please my children. After all, its MY hair and I have every right to have it as I want. And to be honest, even if it WERE true about the toilet, and it is not, why on earth should I be reduced to trying to please them in this way? The truth is, its not true. It would lower my self esteem considerably if I were to try to please them by complying with their opinions.

This is about being able to make put down comments without thinking about what it is like to be on the receiving end. I think its more about feeling able to make put downs in a jokey sort of a way, without thinking about how they would feel if the tables were turned. Lets look at it this way. My children, over the years have had LOADS of hairstyles I havent liked. Now, if they ASKED me then I would say, 'well, I dont like it, but its up to you'. I wouldn't join in a group of all of us saying how we dont like it. In fact, I would stand up for their right to do as they want. I want the same level of consideration. Similarly, I wouldn't dream of showing I didn't like a present I was given, or making comments about someone visiting the toilet. I dont feel I should be reduced to complying with their views on how I should be. I am me. I have a right to be me. Just because I am a mother doesnt mean that in some way I should put up with comments, which, if they were reversed, would cause outrage. Its something about how some children feel its ok to make comments to their mother which they would never make to anyone else. Its about respect and encouraging them to think about the repercussions of unkind comments on me as a person. That is what I would like to do, while retaining the dignity of being myself and that right to be myself being respected.

^^ forgot no xmas flowers

The comments from your family are very disrespectful to say the least and I myself would not put up with it,have you tried to respond to the comments ?you could ask the member who they would suggest you go to have your hair done and they could treat you to a restyle for Birthday/Easter etc get them on your side.
Get yourself out and about and join some new groups etc and do your own thing then you will maybe not be available for their next gathering and not have to put up with such hurtful comments.[tchflowers]

Is there not one member of this family who takes your side in all this? Really, not one who can see how unkind they all are??

Somebody needs to give them a good talking to, and you cant do it.
Get yourself to a good salon and have your hair professionally styled and coloured. It will make you feel better and more confident. If they tell you it looks nice, tell them you had it done because their comments had really upset you. Tell them how hurt you felt. And that its not nice to hurt people's feelings, because you don't hurt their feelings do you? Tell them it would be nice if they gave you a bit of advice instead of upsetting you.

If that doesn't shake them up, then they are not worth bothering with. What are they like if you see them individually? Do they only behave badly when they are all together, and can gang up on you? In that case i would avoid the big gatherings and just see them in small groups or individually. They need to learn to show a bit of kindness.
Good luck. Let us know how you get on. We are rooting for you. Xx

The best defence is attack. No not fighting your family. You taking some action:

1. Agree with Shysal on glasses
2. Read the article on this site on hair style tips for the over 50's.
3. I always take a bottle of my favourite perfume discreetly into any loo I visit if the need
arises. A few squirts does the trick.

No, I had my contact lenses in and I cleaned it especially before I left. They said the smell came downstairs with me. I am not incontinent. I am only in my sixties. What I want to do is set boundaries......nice to see you, nice to see the grandchildren, but I want people to be less hurtful in the things they say to me. I don't want a confrontation or an argument. Just want them to think a bit about how they treat me at times. I am not quite sure how to achieve that.

Your family members sound very disrespectful, you deserve better! I have a friend who suffers in the same way. She wants to see them, but always arrives home upset.
Re. the toilet jibes, I have learnt to wear my reading glasses when cleaning the bathroom, as otherwise I think it is spotless when far from it!

How can I tell them how I feel? I dont have any family of origin. I am not even sure if they are aware that their behaviour is unkind. I didnt want to cut myself off completely.

My thoughts exactly Ann60

The problem is I will be all on my own without them.