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Son and partner splitting up

(14 Posts)
lucycakeface Tue 30-Dec-14 15:47:10

My stepson has spent years introducing my husband and I to bimbo type girlfriends, who just use him for money and are not interested in settling down, but as they look good on his arm he thinks it wonderful. A few years ago he turned up with a lovely girl who already had a little boy from a previous relationship. She is everything Hubby and I could have wished for him and we loved her immediately. She is the perfect mum and wife. Not long after meeting they had a son between them and he took on the other son as his own. Just lately he has started to treat her appallingly and from what we have seen is mentally abusing her. I wish she would just leave him as she deserves much better, but she just seems to put up with him. I'm sure he has another woman as most nights he doesn't even go home to her and the children. I am so heartbroken by his behaviour, neither his partner or our gorgeous little grandchildren deserve to suffer his childish behaviour. Hubby has told me that we have to let them get on with it and sort themselves out, but it's ripping me apart. Has anybody else ever felt like this?

Mishap Tue 30-Dec-14 16:06:19

I am afraid that he is right - there is nothing you can do. They are adults and have to lead their own lives, however unsatisfactory it may seem to be. It is more important for you to stay a part of his life so that the GC have you around, than to risk challenging him and creating a split in the family where you do not see the GC. They are going to need you around I would guess.

tanith Tue 30-Dec-14 16:07:04

Its heartbreaking but this really is a time to try not to take sides although that can be really hard. You have to try and just let them get on with it and sort out their relationship or lack of it themselves , by stepping back hopefully you can keep a relationship going with both of them and then if eventually they do separate you will keep a relationship with your beloved grandchildren..

We suffered a similar situation but no children involved, with my son and fiancee... we loved her like our own but it wasn't meant to be and now they are both very happy elsewhere and I have stayed friends with her by accepting their decision and not trying to step in with too much advice while it was all going on..

Good luck I hope it doesn't get any more painful for you just concentrate on those boys and showing how much they are loved..

rascal Tue 30-Dec-14 16:12:51

How terrible for you and your husband watching this. Could you not have a word with your Son and see what he says about what's troubling him. Tell him if he's not careful he will lose what he has; his lovely wife and family. Also you could have a word with your Daughter in Law too and see what she says. My best wishes.

lucycakeface Tue 30-Dec-14 16:44:27

Thank you for your good advice. Hubby knows that he is wrong but says that we have to support him no matter what his decision is. Tanith, I am sorry that you have suffered the same but glad that you could advise me. There,is no way that his partner would stop us seeing the grandchildren as she is very close to us and just not that sort of cruel person.
I understand that he obviously feels that she's not right for him now, but I just wish he would tell her to go so that they can both get on with their lives She will always be a big part of our life. It's just makes me feel so sad.

loopylou Tue 30-Dec-14 16:47:06

Very sad to hear lucycakeface, and very difficult for you too. Trying to stay neutral isn't easy, best wishes to you

HildaW Tue 30-Dec-14 17:14:26

I have always believed that we should not really interfere with our children's relationships - its more about standing back and offering a shoulder to lean/cry on, than having one's 'five penneth worth'. However I do think I take issue with what your husband appears to advocate. You say that he feels you should 'support him no matter what his decision is'. From what you say he has already made some pretty dire decisions and I am not sure support is what should be offered. From what you say he sounds a very shallow person who leaves others to pick up his mess.
I think that I would seriously consider finding a tactful way of letting this young woman know that although you respect their privacy and do not wish to be directly involved, you do want her to know that you are thinking of her and that you would like to be considered her friend.

Many years ago my then Mother in Law stood back and let her son walk away from his pregnant wife (me) and make what he later admitted to be, the worse mistake of his life. She lost a grandchild as well as putting distance between herself and her son as he found it very difficult to live with the guilt of what he had done. Her 'not getting involved' allowed him to only see his side of the situation at a time when he needed someone to make him see what he was really doing.

That being said, try to separate the sadness you feel from this situation. Your emotional response to this is not something they should have any control over, that's for you to come to terms with whatever the outcome. Your happiness should not be reliant on how others live their lives. You only have control over your life, and even then its only for what is happening now and not what has passed. Good luck and just try to stay calm about it.....knee jerk reactions to these types of situations are never wise.

Anya Tue 30-Dec-14 17:58:03

I'd let your grandson's mother know you're there for her if she needs any support. She and her children are innocent in all this.

Faye Tue 30-Dec-14 19:19:31

I think your husband is wrong lucy. I wouldn't support an abuser and a cheat, he is not being a decent father to your GC. Your husband doesn't have to cut contact with his son but he could have a word with him, the son is not being a decent father to his young children. I would also let her know you are there for her.

Last year SIL let his BIL know not to mess with his sister. She had just had a baby and her husband was having an affair and treating her appallingly. He was also chatting to the OW on FB. confused DD said it was terrible, everyone could see the messages between them. She wrote this woman a message and said how appalled she was by her behaviour. When BIL realised some people in the family were not going to sit back and allow him to treat his wife this way he stopped it. He really thought it was okay and was happy to visit her family when he knew they knew what was going on. I believe he will always be a cheater but they seem happy at the moment and while their children are very young that is what matters.

I think it is sad when someone is going through this and no one steps in and offers support. It's not always necessary to speak to the other person but SIL's sister said she was very grateful someone stuck up for her.

vampirequeen Wed 31-Dec-14 07:29:44

My cousin was an abuser and a cheat. When his wife finally found the courage to leave and the whole sorry story of her years of suffering came out my uncle disowned his son and stayed close to his ex DIL and GC.

lucycakeface Wed 31-Dec-14 12:18:44

Hubby knows that his son is wrong and has told him that he would never find a better partner/mother, but he is scared that if he throws his opinions around too much his son will fall out with him. I think he grew up with his mentally abusive mother and he can't show any emotion. Luckily enough he is very emotional with our grandchildren though and loves them dearly. I expect he just can't see that by hurting their mother he is hurting them. As he is my stepson I can't really say anything as I don't want to upset anybody. Hubby and I have both agreed that if they split then she will always be a big big part of our lives. Just wish I could wave a magic wand over them and make everything better.

FlicketyB Wed 31-Dec-14 13:29:40

I would never support my children, right or wrong. I would always help them and support them to do the right thing when they did something wrong, but we see so many cases in the courts where parents have covered up for a child, provided alibis etc even when the crime is as heinous as murder.

glammanana Wed 31-Dec-14 13:40:43

Such a shame this has happened and with you having such a good relationship with your DIL it makes it that much sadder.
Does he think he can still act like a single man with no responsibilities or do you think maybe he just realised he has to grow up and is frightened of the responsibility.
I can understand your OH not wanting to cause a situation where he fell out with his son but perhaps he could say to his son that he will always love and support him but at the minute he does not like what is happening with his relationship at the moment. Best of Luck x

trisher Wed 31-Dec-14 19:35:22

Perhaps I can give a different perspective. Many years ago my ex went off with someone else after a period when he had been so difficult to live with. I had 3 children and remember my MIL as trying to exciuse his behaviour and wondering how he was going to afford to keep 2 homes going. I do wish someone had advised us to go for counselling. Perhaps it wouldn't have helped us stay together but it might have led to a less acrimonious split. So my suggestion to you is that you try to get them to seek help and support. That you offer to mind the children to give them time to talk. That instead of talking to them separately you tell them together that you want the best for both of them and you will support both of them no matter what. So that although they may go their different ways they will both stay important parts of your family.