Suitable amount ?

I think I would go the way of mrsmopp, take quite a large amount which would force encourage him to look for work, save it secretly, then give him a lump sum towards a deposit for renting when he needs it, or for car insurance.

Yes, DS is a student studying music. I really can't see him getting steady work. He occasionally gets commissions, a few hundred here and there, or music-related jobs such as setting up recording equipment, but steady it is not. However he has always said that he would be happy to stack shelves in Tesco and carry on writing in his spare time. We shall see. Currently he earns money to supplement his lifestyle by belonging to the OTC. He has to spend weekends out camping in horrible weather, be on hand to do crowd control at large events, march in displays, put down sandbags in floods, that sort of thing. However that automatically ends when Uni does, unless he joins up as an officer for real.

I used to have to hand over two thirds of my earnings to my mother. As I was saving up for a house deposit, and knew she didn't need the money, I felt very hard done by. Then as soon as I married she left my father. My housekeeping was her running away fund. I realised then why she was upset when my sister moved to Birmingham to a new job - she had lost the income from her.

I cannot believe some of the above posts, surely expecting young people to contribute a reasonable amount teaches them that life in the 'real World' is not cheap or free. I was only asking £30 a week from my DS who had come back to live with us after 7 years living away from home. He still decided that he wanted to buy and cook his own food. He upped it himself without me asking to £50 a week. I said that I didn't really want to take it but he said that he knows how much it costs to live. He is on a low wage while looking for his 'dream job'. At the moment he is unwell (depression) and off work so I have told him that I do not want anything. His reply was that as soon as he is back at work he will continue to pay his 'housekeeping'. I don't feel mercenary at all. All of my children have contributed towards their keep. Letting them live for free is just teaching them to be freeloaders and they learn nothing.

Your DS is being unreasonable to only pay you £40 a month.

If he gets £229 a month then I think he should give you at least half!
Its up to him to find a job, not for you to keep him.

I misread this too! £40/ month doesn't cover a week's food if he's as ravenous as my son was at that age.
When DS was working during university holidays I didn't ask him to pay anything as I expected him to save towards his university costs.
When he lived here after university and was in work it was £40/week and I provided everything he needed and he would help around the house/garden if asked (was very easy to live with ).
He paid all his other costs - car costs etc. and was saving hard towards moving into a flat with his now wife.
DD went straight from university to living away so different situation.

Oh dear, I misread it as well and thought he was contributing £40 each week, leaving him with pocket money. £40 a month isn't realistic as board and lodgings and leaves him with more disposable income than many young people have when in full time work

I really must put my reading glasses on and concentrate!!! Sorry, 40 a MONTH is totally out of order imho- and 180+ as pocket money. NO NO NO- sorry.

Sorry missed his age on OP- so won't be long till it goes up significantly, and hopefully his contribution in % at least. Better still- try and get him help and support with looking for a job, even if not his 'dream job' so he gets out of the house and meets people, and gets some experience.

(I know I make it sound 'easy' and I realise it is not).

granjura, JSA for single people aged under 25 is £57.35 per week, i.e. £229.40 for four weeks.

£40 a month still doesn't seem much out of that at all for rent, board and lodging.

It sounds a fair rate to me ninathenana. I sympathise with you, especially given the information you gave about his personality/possible spectrum issues. It sounds as though he doesn't socialise and that must put a strain on all of you. Good luck in talking things through with him. He isn't a child anymore, but the issues you mention may make it a more complex situation than many of us have faced with adult children living at home.
It's so different now than when most of us were young adults but it doesn't mean we should be exploited

72.40 so that makes 32.40 pocket money, and 40 rent- the balance does not seem right somehow. Defo can buy his own biscuits, really and contribute a bit more.

Another issue is perhaps how hard is he trying to find a job? If he spends so much time (15hrs per day) on internet, tv, etc- then my guess is- perhaps not hard enough. Don't mean to be offensive here, I do realise it is not easy to find a job- but it is a lot harder if you are not really looking because your rent, food, washing, etc, etc, etc, amounts to just 40 a month. In other words, he may well be just too comfortable as is for his own good.

ninathenana, I think we all agree with you- but it's no good telling US- you have to find the strength and courage to talk to him about it- or ask DH to do it- or both together. He gets away with it, because you let him (and yes, I know that it is very difficult to find ways to tackle this without causing a big argument). Bonne chance.

Exactly Elegran

When I first started work I shared a flat and had a flat mate, overweight and constantly dieting, who constantly broke her diet and would then eat any food she could find in the flat, usual the my food and that of our third flatmate.

She could never accept how much she had eaten and always returned less than she ate. It reached a stage where my friend and I were reduced to secreting food into our underwear drawers, particularly if we were buying food for expected visitors and wanted to still have it when the visitors arrived.

I moved out.

anya If he is anything like the males in my family, it isn't the odd biscuit, it is the odd whole packet.

Three biscuit tins, labelled "Mum's biscuits" "Dad's biscuits" and "X's biscuits" ? If he were in a shared flat or house, there would be similar containers with stronger labels on (Like "Keep out" or "Trespassers will be fed to the lions")

You could put some treats in into it from time to time, but not keep it permanently brimful. He could add things as he bought them for himself.

Come on Nina you can't begrudge him the odd biscuit surely? If it matters that much then buy cheap ones for the kitchen cupboard and hide the good ones in your bedroom. Then you and DH can munch away to.your hearts content

ninathenana I agree, treats aren't necessities and your son should buy them for himself if he wants them.

I don't think I made myself clear in my OP. I wouldn't charge him more whilst he's claiming JSA but it's the fact that treats DH and I buy ourselves often disappear from the cupboard. I feel if he wants to eat biscuits etc. He should buy his own.
As someone said that £40 month not only covers basic food but also electricity (he's using one device or another about 15hrs a day) heating upstairs all the time, loo rolls, extra washing powder etc.

I earned £7 a week in my first job and paid keep of £2 a week. When I got my next job at £9 a week, I paid £4 a week keep - and paid extra if I had a friend to stay.

With our son, because we were both working, we never took any money from him even though his girlfriend practically lived with us. When he was at college he worked at Pizza Hut at weekends but that was his spending money. Even when he got a full time job with a reasonable salary we never asked for keep. In retrospect, I realise that was quite negligent on our part because, instead of saving a reasonable amount of money each month, he just spent it.

I think we should have charged a small amount for his keep, and asked him to put a set amount of money into a savings account each month, on the basis that we would match it. That way, at a much younger age, he would have developed the habit of saving regularly and been much more responsible about spending money.

Having said that, we are quite fortunate that he has (surprisingly, given our lack of guidance), turned out to be sensible and reasonably good with his finances.

ninathenana £40 p.m. doesn't seem an awful lot for a young man's keep, but I don't think JSA is very much is it? So, unless you're finding it very difficult to manage on the money he pays you, I'm not sure that I would ask for more (though I do think he should be more considerate about the amount of snacks, etc., that he takes for himself). It's a shame he never goes out - it must be quite depressing to be indoors all the time. I know you said there are some issues that make it difficult for him to get work, but as I think someone else said, if he could get something part-time or even a few hours' voluntary work this may open doors to other opportunities. (I've just seen your last post and hope that he can get some help in finding something).

Thank you durhamjen yes I have looked at the site. We've taken the first step of an appointment with the GP. We have been told if he gets a diagnosis then he can get assistance to find work.

Never having had more than a low wage coming in,we have always expected our children to contribute when they got jobs. They paid a third of their wages,saved a third and had a third to spend on fares, going out,make up etc. they were fine with it and agreed it helped them when it came to renting their own homes and paying the bills. If you live in a rented home and get housing benefit,the local council will work out and send you the bill for how much your still at home,working children should pay. Even if they are not at work they are still expected to contribute. Our youngest son age 20,gets DLA and ESA(that's employment support allowence as he cannot work) and we have to notify the housing benefits dept so they can work out his contribution, £12 a year for his council tax and about 90p for his rent!

My first wage was £4 12/- I used to give my parents £1 10/s a week. I suppose that was roughly 1/4 of my wages. I was able to clothe myself and have a social life, also purchase a long dark green leather coat from a catalogue for 5/- a week.

Nina, have you looked at www.autism.org.uk as you say he is possibly on the spectrum.
They have info for parents and adults, and you will probably be able to find out if there is any extra help to find a job for him.

When I lived at home and was working a third was considered the amount for board and lodging but I think you have it right in the circumstances. I old his job hunt goes well and you can persuade him to get out and about a bit more.