To expect my DD to ring me regularly?

My DS2 tends to ring me (hands free) from the car which does concern me as I don't think he's the best driver in the family. However, at least he doesn't have the very long and boring commute he had in his last job. Other DS will chat any time he's not at work because he is never without his mobile.

Since a phone call in early December when my mother started speaking incoherent gibberish and I was scared she had had a stroke, I have phoned every day. It's not cheap, but as I don't see her very often, I don't begrudge the time or the costs. Anyway, most times she remembers to offer to hang up straight away and call me back, as she has a flat rate.

She laughs that she "knows I am monitoring her", but I find it helps not only to reassure me but to keep her brain active, (even though we have the same conversation every evening) and her voice strong. (She's 95)

As for my boys phoning or contacting me - they have busy lives and, as with most people here, they can go for weeks sometimes without any contact - "No news is good news" is my motto, but I never feel they're completely out of touch.

The older two, now that they are fathers themselves, have a different attitude to contacting us and realise that we want to know they're OK and to hear their news. They don't mind a spontaneous call every so often.

If your relationship allows, Jennypops, why don't you just fix a regular time for calling? If you only talk every second Sunday and take it in turns to call, that only makes one phone call each a month. Finish off with a reference to the next phone call and how much you look forward to hearing from her then (with a reference perhaps to something specific that will be happening in the mean time).

Keep your pecker up! and I hope things get better for you.

I had all those problems with a couple of my children Bellasnana.
First of all I found out when it was their "good times".
I found out with one of them, that their good times, were my bad times. So we changed the method of communication. And were also then aware, that if we contacted each other at the "wrong" times, then it was going to be a bit pot luck.

As regards your other paragraph. I asked one of them how often they had made contact during the previous month in any way at all. And how often I had made contact.
I actually did the same as regards how often he was contacting his siblings versus how often they contacted him.
That opened his eyes! And changed his behaviour.

My DD1 lives in the USA and is hopeless at keeping in touch. She usually only skypes when she has a problem, and I must admit, I don't call her much myself as I never know when it is a good time, although I do send messages which usually elicit a 'fine' or 'ok' from her in answer to my 'how are you?'

However, I received the following message from her (via Facebook messenger) " why do I have to read what is going on in my family on facebook? You haven't replied to any of my messages and if I disappeared into the American wilderness would any of you even notice?" None of us had received any messages from her so we were a bit bewildered by this accusation.

Sometimes you just can't win.

That was my other text hondagirl 'Is anyone there?'! He never found it irritating- he had just been busy, nowhere with a signal at the right time and suddenly realised he hadn't spoken for about 3 weeks. I only did it when he hadn't been on FB either.
It depends on circumstances. He worked in US for 2 months- didn't know anyone outside work and would Skype several times a week while eating his breakfast.

I think it's the fact that they have busy lives. My son is very bad at keeping in touch. I used to hear from my daughter in Australia more than I did from my son who was only 12 miles away! But we used to text more.

Also Leticia great minds think alike! My son now lives abroad as well and never thinks to ring or ask to Skype. I also quite often send him a text saying ' Are you still alive?' or 'Is anybody there?' or 'Skype this weekend?' which usually elicits a response. It's not because he doesn't care - he just has other things on his mind. He is also very bad at sending cards or presents.

I remember my mother in law always used to complain about my son not ringing her enough and his response was: the phone works both ways mum. My parents would always ring me (mum actually) until mum died and then dad never rang - just expected me to ring him all the time and then complained when I left it too long. I gave him a lesson in texting and used to text him quite regularly with little snippets of news if I didn't always have time for a sit down chat on the phone.

I agree with Leticia. My son, who is in Australia, rings regularly but a couple of weeks can go by in their busy lives quite easily.

I send short "Just to keep you up to date" emails if anything comes up and then they will ring for a longer chat when they can. It is mainly me that keeps both my children in touch with what is going on in all our lives so these short updates help us all.

I usually text, but I see my daughter several times a week as i mind my grandchild. i see my son about once a week. He phones me on a Saturday when he gets a break at work. I don't like to phone too often as I always feel it may be inconvenient for them to talk. I think anyone who phones me should ask if it's a good time to chat. When i'm babysitting I can't keep an eye on a toddler while chatting!

It depends which of our DC's we feel easy about phoning though, doesn't it? My eldest DD will message or text me every few days or so, and I feel comfortable in doing the same with her. My DS is a different story. I'm very wary of contacting him and his partner too often and he rarely texts or phones, though I do see them once a fortnight when I visit them to take her boys to their father's. I look forward to this as I can see them all. The reason I'm wary of contacting too often is that I feel my DS feels I'm checking up on him (he'd had serious personal issues for a number of years and these are now resolved). I did once make the mistake of sending a text which he obviously felt was 'fishing', and he was angry about that (his girlfriend told me that). My other DD estranged herself a while ago. Once for 7 years then after a respite of 3 years, she estranged herself again. I've never found out why, but that's not what this thread's about.

absent Yes, but absentgranma's daughter lives in the UK and I was providing info that such inexpensive calls are available from the UK for anyone wishing to use a phone.
However, the information may be useful at some time for someone

Smileless and Mishap Thank you so much for the good wishes, it means a lot to me.

Every time I phone my dad, which is often but not at a regular time, he tells me to "come on, it's costing you a fortune for this call". I then remind him (he has dementia) that it is a free call and we are ok for an hour, to which he sighs and says he wishes he had made a flask up first!

Thanks so much for the information Coolgran. DD could phone me but not sure if that's wise as we do tend to 'go on' a bit. Skype is good in that respect... sometimes I see to my horror we have chatted for an hour! At other times one or other of us may be having connection problems so we seem to spend most of the time re-connecting (and swearing...her of course, not me).

Like others have said, we can go for several weeks without skyping, but we email, and like tonight, we have joked with each other on Facebook as she posted an old photo from the 80s..... horrors!

I don't think absentgrandma lives in the UK, so a BT landline is not an option for her.

My DS has been at uni/worked abroad for the last 23 years.

In the early uni days I despaired of him being a communicator !! By the time he got his Ph.d and was working in Asia he was emailing on a daily basis and phoned once!! It took a half day to be organised at his end.

A few years later and on a different continent he was working and living with his partner (now wife) and would email about every other day. We'd phone at random, could be a month, could be a week.

Now he is married and has a toddler, lives 6000 miles away and an 8 hour time difference. We email about twice a week and Skype once a week. Skype might be for 15 minutes or 45 minutes. We get to chat and see toddler DGS play about the lounge and climb over his daddy on the floor. Plenty of chat but not a lot of great meaningful conversation with DS but if he needs an ear he knows to phone and a conversation can be a little more private. If I don't hear from him for a few days I just send an email, even if I have no news, saying....... ""Just saying Hi, keep well, love mum x"""

Absentgranma if you wished to have a real voice telephone conversation with your daughter, it is possible to ring abroad from UK for around 1p per minute using a BT landline.

Information for anyone --- These companies buy land line time from BT and you enter a specific number ( for USA or for Australia or for wherever....) before then entering the number you are calling.
I use 'Ratebusters'.... to USA I think it is around 12p connection fee and then 1p per minute thereafter.... so about 82p for an hour's converation, that's to either a landline or a mobile phone. Cost changes slightly according to the destination.

These days people seem to text of messenger on Facebook that applies to my beloved son. He will call but we only speak ever couple of weeks or so. It is the way of the world.

My dear late mum Called Me daily and how I missed that when she died, but at the time I found it bit irritating. She was a widow, bless her.

My estranged daughter texted daily and we spoke at length 3 or 4 times week. How I miss that.

I do personally feel we don't talk enough as general rule too much indirect communication which can be misconstrued.

My two children keep in touch sometimes very regularly and at other times less so.
DD works in third world countries for about half the year so, because Internet connections are spasmodic, we try Skypeing but accept that getting cut off will happen. I do worry about her but I accept that she's a sensible and careful lass.
When she's in the UK we perhaps text or phone about once a fortnight or so; she works ridiculous hours so we'll text more than phone.

DS never has been a great communicator so we FaceTime perhaps a couple of times a month so I can get my Nonna-fix . He'll answer texts sometimes, usually if DH contacts him! I don't get upset, hurt or think it's my/their turn or not to make the first move- and never have -so that's foreign to me.

If any of them, including DDIL are stressed or need a listening ear/sympathetic sounding board then they know I'm here.

Certainly when things go quiet I don't necessarily worry.

My 2 DDs live close to one another but 100 miles from me. DD1 is married. We talk once a week or so on the phone but often have iMessage conversations including her single living alone sister who calls more often. Since their university days I have written to them once a week because I feel that it is important that they know I am thinking of them. Sometimes I send a card just to say hello. This has been important to them especially when times have been difficult and I can't be there in person. I now write to DGS too as he is reading and loves to get post. This seems to fit with their increasingly busy lives and helps me to feel connected.

Our children are at an age when days are full and busy and weeks just fly by. We don't live in a TV series where everyone is on the phone 3-4 times a day. I catch DD2 at work when I send emails which usually get an answer and DD1 lives near but doesn't phone often either.
They're busy people and I have got used to being ignored most of the time. They know where I am and can turn to me if something goes wrong.
When all is quiet it's sign that there is nothing to worry about.

What refreshingly positive postings for a Gransnet thread on the thorny subject of family relationships.

All our chidren are different... a fact that never ceases to amaze me. We have sons and daughters who can be loving, seemingly heartless, needy, distant, prickly... you name it- most of us have kids that fit some of those adjectives.And this applies to us as parents too..... we're not the perfect ones by any means although I'm afraid some on this forum think they are!

In my case D1 considers herself the career woman (note I saidconsiders ) too career driven to have children, and only just married at 40 to a perfect 'eejut' found on an online dating agency.... I'd have asked for my money back! As 'The Career Woman' she rarely rang, emailed mostly when I emailed first and nothing has changed except her communication is even more intermittant.
D2... stay-at-home- Mum with children is and always has been, totally different. We don't talk on the phone much for reasons of cost(as I live abroad) but we email quick one-liners throughout the evenng as like her generation her i-phone is rarely far from her side and from time to time we Skype. GCs are much to 'busy' to shout any more than a 'hello Grandma' as they hurtle past en route to something much more interesting than Gran talking to mum.

When we physically get together it's a much different scene.

I have a friend here who rings her mother religiously every night around six pm... any later and Mum rings her, so as my friend says 'It's easier that way'. But she often says how difficult it is as sometimes she can't think of anything interesting to say. I can see her argument. Mum has been a widow for many years, she has another daughter living in the same town as her and yet she has to talk to my friend however banale the conversation, every day.

The only way (I personally believe) to live with this is to accept that some of our children don't need constant communication with family and some can't imagine life without it and we have to muddle along with it as best we can without letting it grow into some monstrous being which takes over our last years.

Good luck rubylady

ooops sorry rubylady

flowers]for you rubylady all the best for your echocardiogram tomorrow and your up coming open heart surgery which most certainly is a big deal. Your son sounds lovely.

On the other hand, my DS is at college, out in the morning at 8.30 am, home at 4.00 pm and we still sometimes text each other during the day, like today. And he is coming to the hospital with me tomorrow for an echocardiogram. He is nearly 18 years old. My DD is 27 and told me my upcoming open heart surgery was "not that big a deal". I wonder why I don't speak to her?

Different children act and behave in different ways. Now I treat as I get treated. I never did, I still gave the benefit of the doubt, until last year when I got told as the only parent/grandparent at my DD upcoming wedding that I was to have no special part in it and I was to be just like any other guest. After bringing her up on my own for most of her life? Now she has hurt me so much that I will not let her get to me any more.

It's the other way around in our family, our mother never contacts us! I think some people just like to know that their family exist, without the need to have more contact. It doesn't mean they don't think of you. I know DS loves me, but I think he will only ever contact us if there is a need. DBH hates phoning his parents, he really does. He says they just witter on about people he doesn't know. He is far happier seeing their photos on facebook. And making rude remarks to his Mum on there. Even then, he doesn't comment as much as she would like.

I found that DD phoned me every week when her babies were small, but now we only speak once a month. all of our communication is done on facebook, we just like to see that each other is alive and well. We have our own lives to live, I am very happy when they come up to stay with us, but equally happy to see them go!

Our eldest daughter is in NZ so we communicate, fairly irregularly, via Skype or email on an ad hoc basis. More often recently as she's pregnant and likes to tell us about her progress.
We exchange texts/emails/photo's or calls several times a week with our youngest daughter.
Our eldest son usually only phones or texts if there's a reason for it. A few weeks can easily go by without contact.
Our youngest son is at university and we speak to him several times a week as well as exchange letters, texts and emails.
My point is that they all communicate with us differently. On Sunday I called my eldest son because I knew he'd had an appraisal at work and I wanted to hear how it went - it wouldn't have occurred to him to call me about it unless I'd prompted him to, but he was delighted to have a chat with me.