To be feeling a bit fed up and used?????

After 21 years, nothing is likely to change your SiL. (Norman Bates springs to mind) Clearly he doesn't want to change or he would have sought help long ago. It is hard on your DD who must be aware that he is seriously abnormal and perhaps that was why she had a row with you - she knows it, but doesn't like anyone else pointing it out. It's one thing to be controlling but in his case he is surely not completely sane.

I am so so sorry, and what I will say will not help, and I am so sorry for this too. I've never known any case where a parent has moved in with a child and her/his OH and family which has turned out to be a success. This is something I'd never consider, as I've known so many cases where what seemed like a god idea at the time, turned out to cause so much friction and resentment.

In this case, I think you need to find a positive way to have 'that conversation' about being taken for granted, or even used, and how it feels from your end. So difficult, as if it does turn to be a disaster, you need to have a plan B, and be prepared for consequences (the reason many will live with the situation, for fear of things going past the point of no return..). ((((hugs)))) this is very hard.

He does sound extremely controlling and I think it is up to your DD to stand up to him - if she wants to get a part-time job and put DGS in nursery she must tell him that is what she intends to do and that DGS will be fine.
Someone could also point out to him that his DM, whom he obviously worshipped, would be horrified to think that he was treating his wife's mother like this.

He sounds like a very difficult man but he is being allowed to get away with whatever he likes.

I think that, as you have your own front door and do not have to go through their living accommodation to get to and from your own flat, it could work out quite well especially with seeing DGS if everyone respected each other's space and they stopped taking you for granted.

He does say that his time spent with the Jesuits was happy but can you be sure of that? Perhaps he has problems which he has suppressed.

Someone needs to talk to him (and stand their ground) but it would be better if it was not you.

Good luck.

Do you have anything like 'Les Seniorales' in Belguim Felice? These retirement villages are very much on the increase in France. They aren't cheap to buy but they seem to offer all the amenities 'senior citizens' need plus a good social scene. Growing old in a foreign country can be fraught with difficulties, because- warts and all - the UK does have one of the most successful support systems for the elderly. France seems to have a one-size fits all system... all our village 'anciens' finish up in the 'maison de retrait' just up the road from me. It's okay ...not too big and quite modern, but if you are reasonably compos mentis but maybe not so nippy it's a no-no. For me..... I'd rather take a one way flight to Zurich if that were to be my only choice. Sheltered housing seems unheard of... unless you can afford something like 'Seniorales'.

If I want to stay here much longer(I'm now 71) I will have to really begin to think hard about my future. It's the elephant in the room.

On paper you seem to have the perfect solution, but one can ever see into the future. I do sympathise ..... have no advice, I'm afraid, except don't allow your difficult SIL to mess up your relationship with your daughter.

Just a thought - do you think he is jealous of your close relationship with your DD and DGS?

I think rosequartz has hit a few nails on the head! You have told us about your SiL before, felice and he clearly has deep rooted psychological problems. However, as many of us know, any thoughts of counselling or such are non starters unless the individual recognises the problem - which he obviously doesn't!

You are in such a difficult situation, aren't you? Only you know whether you or someone else can confront him, and what the consequences might be - he seems like a very controlling person, as others have said.

And, as a mother, you feel for your DD, and want to help in whatever way you can, without making life more difficult for her. That's what we do.

It's not just DD who is between a rock and a hard place, dear felice! I hope that at least we can help you carry this burden.

My SIL lost his Mum at 9yrs old and he has a lot of psychological 'issues' from this.
He is also a very controlling person. He does love me, though.
Since knowing him I have done a lot of reading on the subject. Lots of experts say: being of a young age, and if the situation was not handled well, the child would feel completely out of control. So therefore, as they grew up they would try to control every aspect of their lives.

He can't have been that young when he lost his mother, though petra, if he was living separately from his mother in the flat felice lives in now.

Although if he'd been adopted by her at 5 he might feel doubly bereaved - two mums gone? I agree with others that he probably has psychological issues but as he isn't abusive or violent there is no easy solution to felice's problem.

I have to agree with granjura's opinion that long-term living with in-laws seldom works. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this sad situation, felice

I think Felice's SIL is abusive. He is making an older solo disabled lady upset and that is emotional abuse. As Felice is such a nice lady she can not return the nastiness to her SIL as he deals it to her. I am appalled that her daughter does not see the distress caused by allowing the SIL to get away with such bad behaviour and do something about it. Abuse is clearer defined if it is violence emotional abuse is so hard to see and act on and this may well be what he is depending on.
I know nothing of Belgium and its housing arrangements but if Felice and her daughter are British born why not come back to UK. I had have to make decisions to do a similar thing. I was heartbroken to leave where I was but it was for the benefit of my children my parents and myself.
Wishing Felice all the very best
Sugarpufffairy

I think rent in Brussels is very high, the rent my DD pays for her house is eye-watering but only a third more expensive than the apartment she lived in when she first arrived.

Your situation must be very stressful for you felice. Could you put your name down for public housing but not take it if it isn't suitable. You don't have to tell your daughter what your plans are. You could be pleasantly surprised and you can only try.

Keep away from your SIL, you can't reason with people like him, they don't hear you and they don't want to. He is using you for his kicking post and it will only cause more upset for you if you try to explain to him how you feel. I would not spend anytime in his home. You have your own apartment, it's best if you don't rock the boat as you might end up in a worse situation with no home and having to take Sheltered Housing in an unsuitable area.

Calmly tell your DD that while you love to see your GS you are in constant pain and cannot possibly look after him for the amount of time you currently are. Surely your daughter can take you out sometimes, you could have lunch out once a week at the very least.

Your SIL is difficult and controlling your DD must be unhappy. She might want to keep your GS out his father's way. That is possibly why your GS is often staying overnight at your apartment. If that is the case she needs to put your GS to bed and come and get him when he wakes up in the morning.

Surely your church helps out people in your situation. Most churches visit their members and even take them out. You could also ask if there is any help for your situation. Your local government/council possibly has outings or clubs for retired people.

Good luck felice

Hi again, well last night was different, when DD came to collect DGS she invited me upstairs for dinner, cooked by SIL, also a trained former chef like me.Delicious dinner with some very nice wine, he still seemed a bit uncomfortable but really tried hard.
We have know from the start he was jealous of DD and I but just ignored it, perhaps we should have tackled the matter when they first met.
They are both involved in Historical societies here which makes for busy times at certain times of the year, this weekend was a really busy one, the next full weeknd is not until May when hopfully the weather will be good enough to let DGS play in the garden, and me!!
The elderly care is quite good here, but i am not old enough for that yet, nor disabled enough for a specialist home which double as convalescent homes, I stayed in one for 7 weeks after my knee replacement, it was lovely, but nearly 1and 1/2 hours drive from here. Returning to the UK is out, neither I nor DD would want that. The thing is DD and SIL are very happy together, except for the hoarding of his mothers possessions he is an extremely generous man to her and DD, and as i said to me too, he told me last night that he was having a new heating boiler installed here in the summer. The old one is a bit temperamental.
Hopefully the row on Thursday will have made him realise he is acting irrationally and learning that I qualify for Sheltered housing and knowing me leaving would be devastating for DD and DGS has made him open his eyes a bit.
The Church here is also very different from a local parish Church in the UK, the parish is the whole of Belguim, and we have more than 60 nationalities registered as members. I am one of only 5 people in the congregation living within a mile of the Church itself. The rest are all friends but in full time employment some with young families too.
Most people come to Brussels to work and we have a very young congregation, full house most Sundays.
I am one of the coordinators of Christian Aid here and we have our 2 main fundraising events next month, both of which i will do the cooking etc for.
This has really helped a lot, I told DD I had posted and she says thanks to you all too, the sun is finally shining here so its a shower and a few hours in the garden for me.

Excellent news- sometimes you just need things to come to a head to improve from then on. Onwards and forwards

That all sounds so much more positive. I suspect your DD has a hand in his change of attitude

SiL sounds very Belgian. A friend married a Belgian man, whose parents ran their life round him. When he met and decided to marry an English girl, his mother, in particular, couldn't have been more shocked. She couldn't cope with the idea of him marrying anyone from anywhere but his home village.

In his case he firmly shed the maternal shackles, but he did have an older sister who had done everything according to her mother's rules.

I am glad his tantrum seems to have worn off, but think that maybe you all need to sit down at a suitable point and calmly lay down a few ground rules for a) your tenancy and b) granny duty. You are not living on his "charity" so as a tenant, paying rent etc you should be able to enjoy independence of choice regarding the flat and I would have thought efficient domestic appliances at the least. Regarding time with your DGS of course you enjoy having him, but pick up times need to be clearly agreed and adhered to except in an emergency. That way you also have freedom to have a life of your own. It seems to me those lines have become blurred and the resulting unhappiness is something you need to avoid for all your sakes.

Oh yes very Belgian, with a huge chunk of French thrown in. Friends have told me that it is due to the death and displacement of WW1 and WW2, when many families were split up and never found each other. They do tend to cling to each other, a friend lives in a small village where everyone is a relative of his wife family, he is English and after 40 is still a stranger.
Although SILs Mother was a French diplomat and he did a lot of travelling with her before they came here.

Glad to hear that the dust is settling now. Hopefully you can build on that and it will be easier to state your case when things get tough.

I'm glad things are looking more positive now, felice

It sounds as if he realises that he was being unreasonable and perhaps your lovely DD thinks that perhaps they have taken you too much for granted.

I hope all goes well from now

DD just told me that he is finally talking about renovating one of their bathrooms and buying a new washing machine for her, and he told her last night that the reason he got upset about me pruning the roses is that his Mothers ashes are under a large white one.
Fine but it hasn't been touched for 20 years so was pretty overgrown, i will try to save it now I know.
I have my own washing machine, and the fitted kitchen appliances were all renewed when I moved here for me.
Seems like the crisis is over, we shall see how the summer goes.
Thanks again everyone x

Very happy for you... I can feel the burden off your shoulders.

Communication is so very important and sometimes a 'few words' can clear the air.

Hi again, well Easter Sunday lunch was lovely, lunch for 7 inc 2 three year olds turned into lunch for 18 and 5 small children, lucky i have a big table!!!!! I sort of said after the Maundy Thursday evening service would anyone like to come for lunch on Sunday, they did.
SIL did some very nice cooking to help out, and it was very nice.
He has just spent 4 hours high pressure hosing my terrace, and full of compliments about the work SO and I have done in the garden.
I think keeping MY mouth shut and letting DD sort it out seems to have done the trick.
Looking forward to the summer now, 24° in the garden today.
thanks again for all the support.

Oh well done felice I hope your dreams of a happy summer are fulfilled and I hope the same for all of us. We need some peace in our lives,not hassle.

For God's sake don't kill that white rose felice!