To be angry beyond angry

I also flinched a little at the use of 'our children' also calling the mother the biological mother (more usually used in adoption cases).

It might not help matters that your DH felt he had to work hard to convince his family he was a good dad. What was that all about?

Having said that I think the efforts being made by the four adults concerned are admirable. I can't help wondering though vampirequeen how you manage to be so civil to the children's mother when you obviously have strong feelings of anger towards her.

I think vampire used the term 'our' because 'his' would sound as if she didn't care about them and 'the children' sounds too impersonal. Difficult to know what term to use that doesn't sound as if the children are property of some kind, I guess.

I must admit I always say "our 4" when one is his and 3 are mine, but we tried to bring them up together as one family. The other 2 parents let us get on with it.
They were only aged 4-9 when we started.

I am not sure why vampirequeen is being given such a hard time over her terminology. We often say what we think (and the word "bitch" can feature in my vocabulary especially when I am very angry) and to refer to her stepchildren as " our" children may not be what some of you would do, but it shows the existence of a family unit in vpq's thinking. Yes, the woman in question is playing power games and I too would feel defensive of my DH in similar circumstances.
What to do? Depends on the outcome you both want. Take it on the chin, suffer in silence, have as calm a conversation as you can manage on the ground rules?
Whatever, it is a potentially explosive situation and if the children's mother wants to be annoying, the best remedy is not to give her the satisfaction of seeing you riled.

I can't help feeling that finding my use of our children as opposed to his children annoying/irritating/upsetting shows a lack of security in yourself.

I fail to understand the reasoning behind your comment Anniebach...."there are two children jnvolved who may have or may develop problems."

Our children have no problems and show no signs of developing problems.

There is no doubt as to who is the real mother and the real father but we work as a team to make sure the children get all the help and support they need to grow up into well rounded individuals.

There are times like this weekend when situations arise between DH and his ex but they are not discussed or dealt with in front of the children.

You could actually say our children are lucky to have four adults who love them so much. Some children don't even have one adult who cares enough to put them first.

There is an old saying:

it takes a village to raise a child; your child is my child

Surely these are values we're trying to get back in society.

So many children suffer in this country and the rest of the world yet a lot of you criticise me for say our children instead of his children.

I hope it is not seen as a criticism vq - I just got a bit puzzled as to who was who to start with. I worked it out!

Have just read this post through and feel you need some support here vpq. In my book it's ok to vent your spleen on GN as it is supposedly safe, so won't argue the toss about "our children" etc. I think the main thing is what is "best for the children", as SS and the legal fraternity always say. I think they are right. It is what is best for the children BUT ideas in the real world differ and we have to deal with that. I assume DH wasn't the ideal husband first time round (many aren't) and he probably lacked in the Dear Father role too - (many do) but times change and people do too- particularly when they find the right person! It sounds as if the children have a fairly robust and honest approach to the situation i.e. the boy told his Dad that there was no tea arranged. Your anger is completely understandable but the only way forward is to accept the unacceptable and continue to support your DH in his regular contact with the children. They will be grown adults soon and you and your DH's continued contact and support (i.e .not rocking the boat) will be acknowledged by them both - in ways that will surprise you. I love your robustness in your defence of your DH - he must as well - and your obvious love/care for the wellbeing of the children. I think you are right when you say she didn't want any "one to one" time for the boy and his father - she feels threatened by it. The bonds between fathers and their children become stronger as the children grow older because the children want them to, and, if the father is willing and approachable, all can be well. Sorry for the long post but struck a chord with me

Yes, I feel you have to put yourself in the shoes of the mother here, maybe not just being spiteful, but being the mother who wants to protect and keep her children close, the tiger mother rather than the bitch! Mothers are naturally very protective of their young. I know as rational humans we should rise above petty jealousies etc, but it is hard.

I'm confused as to what she's protecting her child against. DH was always a very hands on father. The reason the relationship broke up was because she had an affair with the man she is now married to. It's not really fair to assume he did something wrong or wasn't a good father when they were together.

As to my use of 'our' children. I know that we all use the phrase. Some of you seem to assume I'm trying to replace their mum in some way. Nothing could be further from the truth. We're just trying to make our children (that's all four of us biological and step parents) feel as secure as possible in what can and often does turn into very challenging situations.

There are bound to be times when we adults disagree and it was one of those situations I felt I could vent about on here. A safe place...I thought..to get the negativity out of my system. Apparently I was wrong as some people seem to be more swept up in my use of the words 'our' and 'bitch'.

I didn't call her it to her face and tbh if 'bitch' is the worst thing a woman is called in her life then she's been very lucky.

Some people also criticised me for being too involved with things that should be left to the biological parents and suggested/accused me of being pushy and not knowing my place. This morning the children's biological mother phoned me to discuss our children. As I keep saying we work as a team.

That is very good. So really you have nothing to worry about. Be positive.

Vampirequeen, sorry but you wanted this discussion, if your husband was a very hands on father why did he have to persuade his own family he was ?

How can you claim you work as a team yet call one team member a bitch?

I am sure we all know some fathers have problems with difficult ex wives over their children , but surely we all know how some mothers feel insecure when a mother figure comes into her childrens lives

You think and hope the children don't have or will not have problems, I could sense the intense dislike you hold for their mother just by your words, what do they sense ?

vampirequeen are you sure the mother lied about the visit to the friend and it was not just some misunderstanding on the child's part? If you all work as a team, surely it would be possible to ask.

I found myself feeling sorry for the mother who, if she phones you to ask your advice, seems unaware of the anger and dislike you feel towards her.

Sorry vamps - but when you're in a hole..... There you go again - the 'biological mother'. No, no and no again - she is the children's mother. They live with her. You are their step mother, they are your step children- what's wrong with that. And as for some of the responses here - do you just want people to say ' oh poor vamps?' . You put it in AIBU and some of us are saying yes. If you really want some hand holding and support put it elsewhere and make it clear that no one is allowed to criticise you - and much good thst will do you in the long run. I'm beginning to have sympathy for your step children's mother

I have to ask those of you who feel I shouldn't have used the word 'bitch' in my opening post, have you never felt so frustrated or annoyed with someone that you've never called them a name in your head. That's all I did here except for some stupid reason I thought this might be a safe place to vent. I'll remember in future that it's not.

I'd feel very upset if someone called me a bitch, vq, or I thought someone was thinking that in her head. There's just something about the word that's beyond distasteful to me.
As for a safe place, GT is right - if you post in AIBU you must expect people to be honest and that their responses might not be what you want to hear.
Perhaps you should visit Soop's kitchen instead - the rule there is that nothing that could remotely be considered unkind is posted.

Likewise when someone uses the term "Yellow Belly" for my family, sounds like insults are the norm.

Good idea janea - I never go there because I couldn't keep to the rules and absolutely think they are right ( but I did run in there a few days ago to say boo but it was meant as a joke - no one laughed and I won't do it again). But this whole thing of robust straight speaking bring criticised really irritates me - there are threads where it's appropriate and threads where it isn't and I do get fed up of people saying they don't like confrontation or their views being criticised when it's a politics thread

Maybe vq knows of the pain caused to her husband by his wife having an affair [and subsequently losing his children because of it]. Perhaps he wasn't a hands on father because he was too busy working to pay the bills only to find his ex was seeing someone else. I can't begin to explain the pain/hurt/anger felt in that sort of situation and how hard it is to maintain a working relationship with the childrens mother in an attempt to give them a more stabe life. My children [albeit being a lot older] would have nothing to do with the woman my husband left us for; thankfully he's now with someone else that everyone likes. From being in singles clubs etc I know of so many men who worked hard to support wives and families only for that wife to have an affair and leave them for someone else and it broke their hearts not having the contact with their children that they'd wanted . It's good that vq can let off steam on here sometimes. Bitch doesn't come close to the terms I used for my husbands girlfriends....thankfully I didn't need to have a working relationship with her.

Tegan we will probably never know what happened when the parents' marriage broke up. We are only getting one side if the story.

What we do know is here we have a sitution where one woman (perhaps) lies to her ex to stop him seeing their children, the other woman goes on a forum to call that woman a bitch who plays nasty games and all the while on the surface everyone is being so friendly that the children want them all to go on holiday together!!

I wonder if a bit more (gentle) honesty might help.

pompa can't help feeling intrigued about yellow belly.

Yellow Belly isn't an insult. The militia across the river used to wear Yellow waistcoats. Hence Yellow Belly. Like the army were known as Red Coats.

The mother didn't phone me to ask my advice. She phoned to discuss things we needed to organise between us.

DH's family didn't want anything to do with him because they felt he should have stayed with her despite the on going relationship with another man.

DH was a hands on father as well as working to keep the family.

I didn't arrive on the scene until well after the relationship was over...in case some are wondering.

I didn't realise that AIBU meant please feel free to attack me and make assumptions about my husband and/or the mental state of our children. I'll never make that mistake again.

VQ - I still can't work out who all these people are, and their relationship to you

There is vq and her DH. DH has two children from a previous marriage. They are vq's step children. DH's ex wife is the children's mother. She is now married to the man she had an affair with whilst still married to her now ex- DH ( who is Vq's DH)

To further clarify - the teo children are referred to as 'our children' by VQ which some of us take issue with. The ex-wife is referred to variously as a 'bitch' and the ' children's biological mother ' which again some of us take issue with. For the avoidance of doubt, vq's husband is the children's biological father but is never referred to as such

HTH