My dh and I look after our dgd 7 and dgs 5, one day each week and have done so since they were born. A child minder looks after them on the other days. When a there became the need for a change of main child minder DS asked if we (me) would be interested in taking it on full time as a paid job. My immediate response was No!
My dh supported this, if I'd wanted to do it full time he would have been ok about it but we both agreed that we didn't want that sort of committment. We did say that they would never be stuck and we'd always be there for any emergency or child care 'let down'.
I felt that to take it on as a full time paid job would change the balance of things, would I get resentful if they were late on pick up etc.
Of course as well as our one day child care we do the spontanious sleep overs etc.
Our ds and ddil understood perfectly.
They are very appreciative of the one day we provide and are very generous when they regularly take us out to dinner or ask us to join them on a day trip, paid by them.
If dh and I plan to take dgc out for the day, eg the zoo, they arrive with £20 for expenses, though we make sure the £20 goes back home with them.
We all live near each other, the other child minder and I are very willing and cooperative and if a day needs swopped we happily accommodate each other.
One day a week is grand but still tiring after a 12 hour shift. It was much easier when it started - over 7 years ago with just one child. My dh is very hands on and if occasionally I find myself doing the care on my own it is a much bigger task. However even with dh present, it is still me making lunch, sorting dinner etc. etc. thouogh he will do it if asked.
I can understand that it would be hurtful for OP that her dh and dd do not appear to be taking her views seriously. And to say that she loves her dgc less is ridiculous. Retirement is time for DGP to take things a little more as they would prefer to do and not be automatically considered as a child-minding-service.
Perhaps OPs dh is indeed feeling a little lost and needing a focal point for his day to day routine. If dh wants to look after the dgc in their own home, let's see how he feels after 3 months, the gloss may have dimmed a little.
I wonder is OPs dh trying to put OP on a guilt trip trying to get his own way. I'd be most upset and very very angry if my dh ever suggested that I cared less. Happily we both agree that we love to see them come and are delighted to see them go.
I recall a much younger friend saying to me that when she went to pick up her 3 boys from the MIL who had them after school, the school bags and gear were in the hall and ready to lift. My young friend felt this indicated she wanted the boys away as soon as possible. I tried to explain to her........ indeed this is probably and absolutely the case but look at it from your MILs position, she is more than twice your age and not as fit and able. I told young friend that I do the same, all is packed and ready for my dgc to go home, have loved having you - by bye-bye for now !!! Big kiss and cheerio