Child care commitment

Cherry You don't say exactly how large your family is, but something to consider is that you are setting a precedent.
This is your first grandchild and presumably there will be quite a few more in years to come. You will have to be fair to your other children and if you have childminded for this one, the others will probably expect you to do the same for them.
If you're not careful you could find yourself childminding till you shuffle off this mortal coil, not to put too fine a point on it.

How does your husband feel about looking after this grandchild by himself?

There is no reason why he shouldn't stay at home with DGC, being the one in charge, and all that that implies, while you do the gardening, go on courses, pursue new hobbies, chill or whatever.

Is there?

Could you perhaps look to do something for yourself, cherry? Just in the meantime, away from the house, so that you're not so available?

cherry123 I absolutely understand how you feel and your wish to be able to finally spend some time with leisure time with your husband without the responsibilities of child care. I think it is perfectly reasonable.

Having said that, given that your husband is so adamant that he wants to help your daughter with childcare, the happy times with him that you envisage may not materialise if he is angry and resentful.

We do 2 days a week - and, although we enjoy it, it can be quite tiring. I wouldn't want to do any more than that. You say it is you that has borne the major responsibility for child care in the past, so he won't realise how much time and energy goes into looking after a young child. As you say, changing nappies and doing small practical tasks is not the same as having to keep a child safe and entertained, dealing with tantrums, potty training etc.

If you really do not want to do more than 1 day a week, I feel you have the right to stick to your guns on this - but try and get him round to your point of view to avoid bad feeling between you.

Suggesting that he loves your daughter and grandchild more than you is simply childish and, if your husband is old enough to retire, he is old enough to know better. Perhaps you should tell him that resorting to playground jibes is no way to resolve a difference of opinion. Looking after grandchildren is tiring, especially as we are growing older, although, of course, it can also be a joy. Taking on their care, if in your heart you don't want to, is pretty much a recipe for disaster as you are likely to end up feeling resentful as well as tired. Compromising on one day a week would be a generous gesture because you love your daughter and granddaughter; in my opinion, anything more amounts to extortion and a potential threat to happy family and marital relationships.

Perhaps he is feeling he missed out on his own children by working all the time, and sees this as a chance to have a close, caring bond with a grandchild? I think quite a few men (and women!) find themselves thinking this once they retire and reassess their lives.

I don't think you should be forced into doing anything you don't want to do but he is making it clear that this is something he wants to do. It seems he has different ideas for his retirement, sadly, than you. It may all work out very differently in practice but I think at this stage there's not much you can do other than state your views and see what happens.

I think you're spot on with the 'being needed' bit. I have told him exactly how I feel and I've told my daughter that I don't want to do childcare other than on an occasional as-needed basis, but I'm not sure anyone is really listening! I could let dh go and do it all but I want to be with him in our retirement! And how do I manage the whole "he cares, I don't" thing? :-(

Perhaps let him do that then, cherry? You've definitely earned time for yourself! Do you think perhaps your DH might not know how to relax into retirement now, though? Sometimes it can be a bit of a shock to the system, not being 'needed' anymore. In a working situation, that is.

Not fair on you.

Have you said all of this to your DH? surely he wants some time to do retirement things together?If this is how you feel though, you should stick with it, one day a week to start, and if you feel up to a second day then go for it, but leave the other days of the week to do things as a couple, or just to relax.It's not fair on you otherwise.

Just to avoid misunderstanding, I was a full time mum all the way through with our kids.

Marelli, my husband did work very hard to earn the money but did very little of the actual childcare as he worked very long hours and was away a lot. Until they all went to school (a timespan of nearly 20 years), I never once had any time off to myself. I didn't mind as it was our choice to have a big family but I really feel I've now earned some rest and recreation!! I'm trying to see this from my husband's point of view. I think he's missing having a role now he's retired and he does enjoy spending time with our gc. He's happy to change nappies and do the bottles etc so I can't say he'd leave everything to me, tho it is me who ends up doing a lot of the entertaining and baby watching through the day. He says if I won't agree to the child care, he'll go to my daughter's house and look after gc there by himself. So what do I do and how do I solve this? I feel hurt that he's ignoring my feelings and I don't want my daughter to feel I'm rejecting her child. But I can see all my happy retirement plans going up in smoke if I don't make a bit of a stand.

No, I certainly don't think you're being at all unreasonable, cherry1957. It's not 'a given' that a grandparent automatically takes over caring for their grandchildren to allow the parent to go back to work. I think your DH is being unreasonable if he thinks you should continue childcare if you've already brought up a large family. How big a part did he play in bringing them up?

Cherry1957 A resounding No from me. You would probably bear the brunt of any child minding.
Offering the compromise of a day a week sound more manageable and might be fun for you as Grandparents.