AIBU in not wanting to see my MIL

My MIL was extremely difficult, she simply didn't like me full stop, or many others either
She was jealous, spiteful and, I can only imagine, a very lonely and unhappy lady with virtually no friends whatsoever.
Sometimes you just have to accept that is how it was going to be and do your best to be polite and determined not to end up the same.

At the home my 93 year old mother in law is in, the staff were asking for a resume of her life, and asking what sort of person she was, assuming that she lived for her family.
Nothing could be further from the truth. She had three sons and disliked all her daughters in law. Because of that there has always been a solidarity between the daughters in law.
Now she is in a home with dementia I mainly feel sadness at what she has missed out on. Not many of her family visit her, simply because of her attitude to family.
But I would not stop going to see her, even though most of the time she has no idea who is visiting her. She sometimes seems pleased to see someone, even if she does not recognise whoever it is. I just picture myself in her place and do not like what I see.

I'm a relative newbie and confused by this thread. MiL issues are as old as time, but then are so many issues and when impacted it doesn't help to know that, for each of us the issue is new and uniquely painful. I wonder if its more difficult to manage as we - and the family member we are struggling with, whether MiL or another - become older. Do we think that somehow they will become someone else or we will, magically, cope with what has been difficult for a long while? I haven't had a MiL for many years, our relationship was a fairly distant one, both geographically and emotionally, but never destructive in the way Sadiesnan describes. That doesn't mean I can't have empathy with Sadiesnan or anyone who is struggling with their relationship with their MiL. Its hard to hear anyone close to us criticised or attacked, particularly by someone who we would hope was unconditional in their acceptance. It must be hard to have heard these criticisms for a long while and reasonable to assume current reactions now are a mix of long held pain and recent experiences. I agree with Luckygirl, you can't win them all. You can only influence so much and can only do what is possible for you at the moment. As a newbie I'm not aware of your previous posts but it sounds as if you have had a difficult time with your health and perhaps aren't as resilient as you might want to be. For any of us we can only do what our resources let us do at any time. I wish you well and hope you will be able to care for yourself while having enough of a relationship with your MiL not to hold regrets in the future.

Sorry that you have this problem - rise above it, as my nan used to say. You can't win 'em all, and if she is a pain in the rear, then try and steer clear as much as possible. Families can be a pain. Good luck with this.

Whatever.

So you looked at my previous Ana and thought you'd put your own slant on things. Thanks.

Not trying to be clever at all Sadiesnan - you mentioned that you'd had helpful advice on here previously and I just looked up the threads you'd started. Not rocket science!

Concerning my MIL, I've gone through a period of rising above it all and going to see her. There's a part of me that feels really sorry for her, yet my emotional state hasn't been great since being ill last year and that's mainly why I've been avoiding here.

I'm grateful for the sensible replies on here, as it's good to have other's viewpoints on this matter.

Ana, as you will remember my post concerning my DIL and her mother was actually about my granddaughter telling me she loved her other nan more than me.

I'm very grateful for the lovely responses I received on here concerning that. They were very understanding and supportive.

Before I retired I worked in child protection and I had more than my fair share of contact with the god awful matter of paedophilia. This experience goes some way towards explaining my worry about paedophiles.

I really don't know why you've mentioned these other two matters, unless you're just trying to be clever in some way.

Well I wonder why you need anybody on GN to agree that it is OK if that is what you want to do. You don't need anybody's permission or approval unless you have doubts in your own mind.
I just hope that my DDs never feel that way about me and that your own children or in laws don't have cause to feel that way about you in due course.
It is a timely warning perhaps not to let old age make one so grumpy that nobody wants to visit, but of course you could always show generosity of spirit and "do as you would be done by" not as you feel you are!

You seem to be a very anxious person, Sadiesnan - thinking your DIL's mother is favoured more than you, worried about paedophiles and now wondering how to deal with a MIL you don't like.

I'm really not sure what you expect people to say, other than offer sympathy and/or tell you to decide for yourself whether you want to carry on seeing your MIL. Lots of people have relatives like that.

Does she live very near?

I have a MiL who is 95, a and has been the bane of my life for 30+ years. She has made it obvious that she doesn't like me and I'm not good enough for her DS, even though she's horrible and critical towards him and his sister. I avoid her as much as possible, my DH takes her shopping and out to lunch and listens to her moaning.

What a pity that we see the worst in a thread instead of assuming that it is a genuine post. I did not have a lovely or loving MiL she always favoured my younger SiL who had got pregnant and married in haste and totally identify with sadiesnan I just got on with it and didn't let it bother me or feel affected by it.You say she is lonely and doesn't see any one,it is her choice, you will have to decide whether you play the better person or not. Having lived with this you will not be judged by me.

I'm at a loss to understand your response. I've always had really helpful and supportive replies on here previously. Why the "Oh God! Here we go again?" Why would I go on Mumsnet, I'm a Nan?

Sorry you've had cancer.

Go and ask 'em on Mumsnet. You will get a nice lot of sympathy on there.

Oh God! Here we go again.