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AIBU in not wanting to see my MIL

(44 Posts)
Sadiesnan Sat 08-Aug-15 19:36:04

She's really not very nice to me, my DH or anyone really. She always favoured my DH's sister and her husband. They were the best at everything, the cleverest, etc and MIL would pay for them all to go away together at Christmas. She makes personal comments about my appearance and then turns things round by saying I'm touchy and she can't say anything to me.

Her favourite subject is criticising DH, in front of him or any time really. She tries to get me to join in but I won't. She then gets very annoyed with me. I've cut down how much I see her as she really does upset me. I had cancer last year and I feel very emotional very easily. She's now moaning that she never sees me.

Quite honestly I don't want to see her, yet she's elderly and lonely. She never sees anyone. You can probably guess why.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 08-Aug-15 20:22:46

Oh God! Here we go again. hmm

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 08-Aug-15 20:23:25

Go and ask 'em on Mumsnet. You will get a nice lot of sympathy on there.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 08-Aug-15 20:24:02

Sorry you've had cancer.

Sadiesnan Sat 08-Aug-15 20:30:22

I'm at a loss to understand your response. I've always had really helpful and supportive replies on here previously. Why the "Oh God! Here we go again?" Why would I go on Mumsnet, I'm a Nan?

annsixty Sat 08-Aug-15 20:38:33

What a pity that we see the worst in a thread instead of assuming that it is a genuine post. I did not have a lovely or loving MiL she always favoured my younger SiL who had got pregnant and married in haste and totally identify with sadiesnan I just got on with it and didn't let it bother me or feel affected by it.You say she is lonely and doesn't see any one,it is her choice, you will have to decide whether you play the better person or not. Having lived with this you will not be judged by me.

suzied Sat 08-Aug-15 20:39:03

I have a MiL who is 95, a and has been the bane of my life for 30+ years. She has made it obvious that she doesn't like me and I'm not good enough for her DS, even though she's horrible and critical towards him and his sister. I avoid her as much as possible, my DH takes her shopping and out to lunch and listens to her moaning.

soontobe Sat 08-Aug-15 20:40:23

Does she live very near?

Ana Sat 08-Aug-15 20:42:27

You seem to be a very anxious person, Sadiesnan - thinking your DIL's mother is favoured more than you, worried about paedophiles and now wondering how to deal with a MIL you don't like.

I'm really not sure what you expect people to say, other than offer sympathy and/or tell you to decide for yourself whether you want to carry on seeing your MIL. Lots of people have relatives like that.

Alea Sat 08-Aug-15 20:55:41

Well I wonder why you need anybody on GN to agree that it is OK if that is what you want to do. You don't need anybody's permission or approval unless you have doubts in your own mind.
I just hope that my DDs never feel that way about me and that your own children or in laws don't have cause to feel that way about you in due course.
It is a timely warning perhaps not to let old age make one so grumpy that nobody wants to visit, but of course you could always show generosity of spirit and "do as you would be done by" not as you feel you are!

Sadiesnan Sat 08-Aug-15 20:59:19

Ana, as you will remember my post concerning my DIL and her mother was actually about my granddaughter telling me she loved her other nan more than me.

I'm very grateful for the lovely responses I received on here concerning that. They were very understanding and supportive.

Before I retired I worked in child protection and I had more than my fair share of contact with the god awful matter of paedophilia. This experience goes some way towards explaining my worry about paedophiles.

I really don't know why you've mentioned these other two matters, unless you're just trying to be clever in some way.

Sadiesnan Sat 08-Aug-15 21:02:46

Concerning my MIL, I've gone through a period of rising above it all and going to see her. There's a part of me that feels really sorry for her, yet my emotional state hasn't been great since being ill last year and that's mainly why I've been avoiding here.

I'm grateful for the sensible replies on here, as it's good to have other's viewpoints on this matter.

Ana Sat 08-Aug-15 21:10:23

Not trying to be clever at all Sadiesnan - you mentioned that you'd had helpful advice on here previously and I just looked up the threads you'd started. Not rocket science!

Sadiesnan Sat 08-Aug-15 21:28:27

So you looked at my previous Ana and thought you'd put your own slant on things. Thanks.

Ana Sat 08-Aug-15 21:38:02


Luckygirl Sat 08-Aug-15 21:57:08

Sorry that you have this problem - rise above it, as my nan used to say. You can't win 'em all, and if she is a pain in the rear, then try and steer clear as much as possible. Families can be a pain. Good luck with this.

hobbitgran Sat 08-Aug-15 23:02:35

I'm a relative newbie and confused by this thread. MiL issues are as old as time, but then are so many issues and when impacted it doesn't help to know that, for each of us the issue is new and uniquely painful. I wonder if its more difficult to manage as we - and the family member we are struggling with, whether MiL or another - become older. Do we think that somehow they will become someone else or we will, magically, cope with what has been difficult for a long while? I haven't had a MiL for many years, our relationship was a fairly distant one, both geographically and emotionally, but never destructive in the way Sadiesnan describes. That doesn't mean I can't have empathy with Sadiesnan or anyone who is struggling with their relationship with their MiL. Its hard to hear anyone close to us criticised or attacked, particularly by someone who we would hope was unconditional in their acceptance. It must be hard to have heard these criticisms for a long while and reasonable to assume current reactions now are a mix of long held pain and recent experiences. I agree with Luckygirl, you can't win them all. You can only influence so much and can only do what is possible for you at the moment. As a newbie I'm not aware of your previous posts but it sounds as if you have had a difficult time with your health and perhaps aren't as resilient as you might want to be. For any of us we can only do what our resources let us do at any time. I wish you well and hope you will be able to care for yourself while having enough of a relationship with your MiL not to hold regrets in the future.

durhamjen Sat 08-Aug-15 23:38:34

At the home my 93 year old mother in law is in, the staff were asking for a resume of her life, and asking what sort of person she was, assuming that she lived for her family.
Nothing could be further from the truth. She had three sons and disliked all her daughters in law. Because of that there has always been a solidarity between the daughters in law.
Now she is in a home with dementia I mainly feel sadness at what she has missed out on. Not many of her family visit her, simply because of her attitude to family.
But I would not stop going to see her, even though most of the time she has no idea who is visiting her. She sometimes seems pleased to see someone, even if she does not recognise whoever it is. I just picture myself in her place and do not like what I see.

loopylou Sun 09-Aug-15 08:16:16

My MIL was extremely difficult, she simply didn't like me full stop, or many others either hmm
She was jealous, spiteful and, I can only imagine, a very lonely and unhappy lady with virtually no friends whatsoever.
Sometimes you just have to accept that is how it was going to be and do your best to be polite and determined not to end up the same.

thatbags Sun 09-Aug-15 08:53:29

You don't have to visit someone you don't like.

annodomini Sun 09-Aug-15 09:46:00

You're not being unreasonable in not wanting to see her, but she is clearly a lonely old woman, though for reasons that seem all too clear by your account. However, she is very elderly now and would it really do you any harm to make brief visits every so often, perhaps taking a bunch of flowers or a home-made cake?

sunseeker Sun 09-Aug-15 10:05:35

I had a lovely MiL so can't really help you on this.

I have, however, always had a similar relationship with my own mother! Things are not so bad now she lives in Australia (she moved there to be closer to my brother). I once visited shortly after finishing chemo (you will know the effect the steroids have), did she hug me or say how glad she was to see me? No she kept pointing at me and telling everyone how fat I had got! I just chose to ignore all her sarcastic comments. In your position I think I would visit occasionally but always keep the visits short. If she criticises, you could just ignore it or, if you feel up to it, just ask her why she would say such a thing. It is possible that she is unaware that her comments are upsetting you - alternatively she could just be an unpleasant person! Could your DH speak to her about it?

Anniebach Sun 09-Aug-15 10:26:08

I only had my husband with me for eight years , MIL 47 years , and she realy is the MIL from hell

merlotgran Sun 09-Aug-15 10:29:17

I loved my MIL. She was only 65 when she died sad

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Sadiesnan Sun 09-Aug-15 11:46:42

Thanks for all the lovely replies. It's very helpful to get a different perspective from others.

My lovely husband has given up with his mum. She's been unpleasant to him for most of his life. She still criticises him constantly. She tells him he's doing everything wrong, his hair cut is too short, his clothes aren't right etc. He still goes to see her out of duty. There's so much more to their history, but I won't bore you.

She started on me about my hair a couple of years ago, but I told her point blank that my hair wasn't up for discussion. She's been a business woman in the past, running a small business. I honestly don't think that anyone has ever really stood up to her. She's a bully and a vindictive gossip.

Thanks for allowing me to vent on here.