AIBU in not wanting to see my MIL

Thanks everyone, there's some brilliant replies on here. x

Vent away Sadiesnan, you have my sympathy and understanding. I accompany DH on some of his visits to his mother and we try to let it go over our heads, quite difficult when it's our children in the firing line. I take comfort from being the better person and not rising to the bait.

Sorry to hear of your illness, it hits your mental as well as physical resilience. Perhaps you could give yourself some space from MIL until you're feeling stronger. Keeping visits short sounds like a good idea.

I have 2 DILs one who I have always got on with as she comes from a family like mine and the other who I have tried hard to get on with as my son chose her. My second DIL comes from a different sort of family background to mine and so not as easy to get on with as my 1st DIL.

Having said that, the last 2 years have shown me what a wonderful person my second DIL is. She has had a tough life and has problems at the moment. I find now that I really care about her and feel glad that my son married her as she is such a wonderful mum to my DGD. I care for her happiness now and have developed really strong feelings for her. Time can sometimes change people and their opinions.

Perhaps you have less to be bitter about than your motherinlaw, dj.

Which has made me think and ponder... and I've come to the conclusion that, so far, I've nothing to be bitter about, which is a nice realisation

Maybe I find it easier not to end up a bitter harridan like her, now I realise it's not aimed at her daughters in law personally. Dementia affects people different ways. If she was at her own house it might be different, but here everyone you meet knows how she behaves, and sympathises. There are others in the same position.
There must be at least half a dozen old ladies going around asking where their parents are and wanting to go home. She actually cannot walk any more. This deterioration has taken place in less than a year, and it is sad to see. But it's the same with some of the others in the home. Six months ago it was possible to hold a reasonable conversation with some of them, but not now.

Ah! Now I know who reported me.

Well I do get it about feeling sorry for someone who is old and lonely but I'd still baulk at visiting someone who had been horrid to me for years and years. If dementia meant they stopped being horrid then I'd visit gladly. I don't think someone who remains horrid to you should have a hold though. It's just emotional blackmail.

Sorry, thatbags, when I said "your mother in law" I meant "one's mother in law", but I suspect you realised that. I did not wish to appear posher than I am.
I go and visit my mother in law as she is 93, in a home, has dementia and does not even realise I am her daughter in law, even though she was not nice most of the time. She does no harm now.
Her son, my husband, died over three years ago. However, if he were still alive, I am sure I would be visiting her with him.
I agree with granjura on this.

Sorry about the bad grammar. Cooking dinner...

The harm it does is to the daughters-in-law whome the mils make it clear they don't like. The harm is to people like sadiesnan who come on here tearing their hair out, so to speak. We avoid other harm, why not avoid harmful people?

My mother-in-law is perfect, thank you, dj. There was never any need for me to avoid her, but I do avoid unpleasant people.

Sadly, because IMHO some people can be so unpleasant when all people want is a bit of reassurance or a kind word durhamjen.

Why did you leave it, nanapug?

Gosh, haven't been on this site for a while now and now I remember why I left it. I think that the generation before us seemed to think they could do and say anything. Political correctness was not such an issue and we as sons and daughters let them get away with it so it has continued. My DDs certainly wouldn't tolerate behaviour like that!! I don't think you should feel bad about not seeing her, live your own life and don't feel guilty xx

There are some people that you'll never win over. Just let it go - let it wear itself out.

I would do what you and your husband can emotionally manage Sadiesnan.
You have to look after yours and your husband's emotional health.
No person shouldbe allowed to wreck someone else's life.

My MIL was not an easy woman- and she did enjoy putting me down in many ways- and my DH too at times. But she was his mum, and he loved her- as DJ rightly says- I felt it was important to make a huge effort. I would have hated him to feel 'pig in the middle' and have to choose. As it happens, she became much nicer and much closer as she got old- and in the early stages of Alzheimers- and I feel proud I stuck it out and learnt to deal with her put downs- and was there for her to the end.

sadiesnan I know exactly what you mean and you have my support. My MIL always favoured my SILs even though both never lifted a finger to help her. I have always done so but she has never liked me as I am not from the same social strata in which she perceives herself to be and even though I have taken excellent care of her precious youngest son for the past 37 years I committed the terrible twin sins of going to work (we needed the money) and not giving him any children (I couldn't and he didn't want any more). I don't think my not visiting her troubles her one bit. I go twice a year mainly to support DH. Do what you need to doo for your own peace of mind - she's not your responsibility.

No, you do not have to, thatbags, but your mother in law is the mother of the man you loved and married, whatever she is like.
As anno says, what harm will it do?
Had my husband for 45 years, Annie, so I was well trained in deflecting criticism from my mother in law. If I worked in a home, I would be treated the same by a lot of other people's mothers in law.
Anyway, I've found a few homes I would never want to go in, and a chain which seems quite good. Just in case.

Thanks for all the lovely replies. It's very helpful to get a different perspective from others.

My lovely husband has given up with his mum. She's been unpleasant to him for most of his life. She still criticises him constantly. She tells him he's doing everything wrong, his hair cut is too short, his clothes aren't right etc. He still goes to see her out of duty. There's so much more to their history, but I won't bore you.

She started on me about my hair a couple of years ago, but I told her point blank that my hair wasn't up for discussion. She's been a business woman in the past, running a small business. I honestly don't think that anyone has ever really stood up to her. She's a bully and a vindictive gossip.

Thanks for allowing me to vent on here.

I loved my MIL. She was only 65 when she died

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

I only had my husband with me for eight years , MIL 47 years , and she realy is the MIL from hell

I had a lovely MiL so can't really help you on this.

I have, however, always had a similar relationship with my own mother! Things are not so bad now she lives in Australia (she moved there to be closer to my brother). I once visited shortly after finishing chemo (you will know the effect the steroids have), did she hug me or say how glad she was to see me? No she kept pointing at me and telling everyone how fat I had got! I just chose to ignore all her sarcastic comments. In your position I think I would visit occasionally but always keep the visits short. If she criticises, you could just ignore it or, if you feel up to it, just ask her why she would say such a thing. It is possible that she is unaware that her comments are upsetting you - alternatively she could just be an unpleasant person! Could your DH speak to her about it?

You're not being unreasonable in not wanting to see her, but she is clearly a lonely old woman, though for reasons that seem all too clear by your account. However, she is very elderly now and would it really do you any harm to make brief visits every so often, perhaps taking a bunch of flowers or a home-made cake?

You don't have to visit someone you don't like.