Not to want to host a meal for family on my birthday

Well said Anya. As women we are frequently expected to justify the reasons we refuse to do something.

Interesting thread tho I haven't read it all.
I took a rather extreme avoidance technique for my birthday on the 30th. Booked a cruise and we will be in the Azores on said day. Both my girls were very surprised. The pre birthday query is usually " what are we doing for your /dad's birthday, I.e. Are we coming to yours or is it a pub lunch? I usually end up doing "C" too but made it clear that last year was the last one. I do feel guilty though, wish I didn't. I'd be happy to spend 25th with DH with a bottle of fizz, spagbol and a lovely knee- friendly walk. Then I think of the GC and that I'd miss them. Nobody in the family has mentioned the C word yet but I am assuming someone will step up later on. I am tutoring myself to say No for things I don't want to do, even with a smile, but it's not easy. I'm getting old, I've got arthritis, various other things, DH many other things, and I no longer enjoy organising events. Presents this year are to be theatre tickets and posh afternoon tea. I'm trying to de clutter so don't need " things". Well done Susie on making the right decision and thank you to posters who have encouraged the No word. A slight digression, people think I'm younger, and yesterday an old school friend said if she didn't know me shed put me at late 50s so I suppose DDs still think I'm young !

My two DSs and my DiLs are wonderful and possibly unique, judging by some of the comments on this thread.They spoil me for my birthday and Christmas and both are excellent cooks. I am such a lucky mum and granny.

My MIL is always invited to ours for Christmas, and a few years ago after a good long snooze after her lunch she said to me "it's so lovely to be cooked for after all those years of cooking, I'm so glad I don't have to do any of that any more!" well that made me fell appreciated, and I was also surprised, as up until then I had thought that she was one of those rare birds who actually enjoyed the process, so maybe a similar comment along those lines will let everyone know how you feel, I think my DS & DD now realise that although I am quite willing to do it for the most part, I do also really love it when they take over and do it for me, my DD invites us all to hers, or my DS comes to mine and does the cooking occasionally as his house isn't really big enough for all of us (and he is a very good cook!), When I first made it clear that I felt that it was unfair that I always did it, they seemed a bit put out, and I got the "but we thought you loved doing it" cry of despair, but once they got their heads around the idea of doing it occasionally it has all worked out very nicely!

Yes Ive come late to this thread, but I am always the one to cook, so I think it really is time I declined and went out instead.

Does anyone else look back and think, 'Hang on a minute, it was always me that made a fuss of DM/MIL when our DC were small - how come it's STILL me making a fuss of DC & their partners..? ' Likewise, when either set of parents visited us & stayed the night, we always gave them our bed & kipped down on the floor - young bones and all that - but when we visit our DC, we're STILL kipping on the floor (& my knees and hips are not happy now...)

Carring is sharing except birthdays....those are for the individual

Gets a bit hard with twins in our family but even then both are celebrated kinda separate (own balloons and parties)

Success all round suzied! The power of NO.

BlackeyedSusan some birthday treat.

In the event, we had a nice meal with DS2 and gf, they had been for romantic meal the night before. We made it her celebration, my birthday not mentioned. She was very appreciative, as her family are abroad and she is not used to big family gatherings. DH and I went away to the Lake District for a couple of days on my actual birthday and we had a lovely time. I got loads of birthday messages, cards and presents when we got home. Perfect.

toys may have been thrown out of the pram last year, when I decided I was not going to drive 110mile round trip, go to asda, buy birthday food and other shopping, cook birthday meal, pack it all back in the fridge, sort left overs and transport the fifty miles home, organise and buy my own presents (pretend not to look while children choose in the supermarket.)

so yadnbu

I think he is just trying to cover all angles in one fell swoop i.e. dinner for gf (compliment to you as he wants to share his mum and her cooking with gf) but also wants to save time and effort re celebrating your birthday. Seems like young male ignorance/arrogance - he will learn - gf will put him right as she is probably expecting a lovely romantic meal out (not dinner with possible in-laws)!! My DS1 did a similar thing - asking me to do a special roast dinner for his gf (now his wife) as a surprise for her birthday - he duly brought her round and she was really p.....d off - it was very embarrassing for everyone - especially as we had all made an extra special effort for her - but I did feel very sorry for her and very annoyed with DS1. They are happily married now - surprise surprise - but sadly she and I have a rather strained relationship and DS1 has learnt his lesson well - consequently we rarely see them.

What a wonderful family. You have them very well trained. Can I borrow them?

It amazes me how family expect meals or parties to just appear.

Dear Husband is very keen on entertaining so I now keep a folder with inserts with our house name and the section: House - 5 day menu, house Christmas dinner, House - suppers, house summer barbeque etc. I print out my shopping lista nd meues for each event and put them in the folder, so that when they come round again I only have to update them.

I was amazed one Christmas when my visitors came with the goose, and the husband took my shopping list, checked every thing on it and then went shopping for everything we had not got! Marvellous.

Similarly when I was doing son's 50 birthday barbecue this summer my sister in law and her husband went shopping on the morning for all the fresh goods we had not got.

Happy birthday Granny 23. You share your day with my DGS who will be six in another eight hours as he lives in California. Also my niece's wedding anniversary.

Now that our wee family has grown, with the addition of SsIL and DGC, to 10 of us, I cannot cope with a sit down dinner so it's either a buffet or go out. For my Birthday tomorrow DH is treating us all to a meal in a restaurant, but come to think of it, as he cannot remember his bank/credit card numbers, I will be paying the bill from our joint account. Last year he got DD2 to buy me a lovely present on his behalf - then took me to one side to 'borrow' the cash to repay her!

Why not do a deal. Say, yes I will prepare a meal for your girlfriends birthday if you do the same for my birthday.

your day , your way. Have a wonderful Birthday.

This family will tell you they have had many years of family meals for birthdays, christmas, bonfires, celebrations etc all cooked by me, washed and cleaned up by me, and hardly remembered by me (except the exhaustion of course). Even weeks holidays with 12 or more people all catered for by yours truly as whenever I needed help they always had somewhere like the beach to rush to or a hot shower (mine was always cold as I was last, thats WHEN I could get in a bathroom. Then......whoopee I suddenly decided it did not mean I didn't love them, it meant I wasn't the doormat anymore. The final straw came was DS,DIL and grandson stayed for a week and I waited on them hand and foot and I was tired at the end of the week and I popped by head around the door to ask someone to wash up.....DIL was just painting her nails and DS was in the shower. I flipped...(no need to tell you the exact phrase) but enough that once I had lay on the bed to calm down and came down, kitchen was spick and span and cup of tea ready. I think they come to expect it but if you explain nicely enough is enough AND stick to it, they get the message

My parents and I all shared the same birthday so I am rather difficult about it being my day. My DH once made a joke about it early in our marriage - he never did it again! We had a wonderful time for our joint birthdays earlier this year - we went to Raymond Blanc's restaurant in Oxfordshire - what an experience! Now, at Xmas we spend every second one in the Cotswolds being treated to excellent food, service and accommodation. We did Xmas lunch last year and we were both exhausted by the end of the day. DH said it was his last time in the kitchen during the Festive Season and, as has been said previously, the DC seem to take it all for granted. We'll see what happens next year!!

I suppose it depends whether or not your family live locally. Mine don't and I have spent many birthdays alone, through force of circumstances. If my DC and their families do manage to make it, I happily cook for them. Having said that, I will be spending my next birthday at DD's and they are taking me out to a very swanky restaurant.

But it makes the bread for you!! suzied - all you have to do is buy the ingredients, measure the ingredients, put them into the machine, switch it on, turn it out then wash it all up and clean the work surfaces where you spilt flour, sugar, yeast etc etc.
Oh go on then, go and buy a loaf

Thanks for all the replies! I think DS2 was surprised at my reaction to his suggestion! Just shows how children, even adult ones, expect you to be happy to conjour up an elaborate meal as we haven't anything better to do. ( he does cook for his gf often but he's bringing her over as wants to make her feel part of the family- maybe an announcement soon we keep guessing!, and I really don't mind cooking for her birthday, just not mine!) it reminds me a bit of my reaction when DH bought me a bread maker (I hadn't asked for one) for my birthday once. I left it in its box for several months, then gave it away. I think he got the message.

What about wedding anniversaries? We have hosted 25th,40th and 50th celebrations. 4 years to go for 60th- what are the chances of family organizing a party? Always supposing we live that long!!

Any chance DS2 cooking the birthday dinner for his gf?

I expect to be wined and dined on my birthday and not have to cook it myself so no YANBU.
We hosted a lunch for SIL's 50th birthday but did it at a restaurant.