Gransnet forums


Not to want to host a meal for family on my birthday

(59 Posts)
suzied Tue 01-Sep-15 08:07:04

DS2 asked if he could bring his gf over on her birthday for a meal. Fine I said. And it's your birthday in a few days after that so we could celebrate that at the same time he said. Nooooo! I don't want to shop/ cook/ clean up etc for at least 12 family members much as I love them for my birthday. And I don't want to share it as an afterthought! I did say no, it's not quite my birthday and I am going away for actual day so let's just keep it as a celebration for gf. Am I being unreasonable ? I know I will just get on with it whatever, but I would much rather be cooked for/ taken out to mark my birthday! Should I make this clear? Or would I come across as an old misery. .

soontobe Tue 01-Sep-15 08:10:15

You are not being unreasonable. Not in this household anyway. Every family is different.
I would make it clear.

ninathenana Tue 01-Sep-15 08:14:55

Certainly not unreasonable, I would feel exactly the same.

Anya Tue 01-Sep-15 08:31:30

Suzied I posted this on the Thought for the Day thread because we (as women? as grandmas?) are sometimes asked to do things we'd rather not do.

I'm happy to help or host if I want to, but I'm also going to practise this saying 'no' more in the future - with a smile only!

hildajenniJ Tue 01-Sep-15 08:36:17

Certainly not. I would expect the family to throw a celebration for me. You shouldn't have to prepare your own birthday party!

PRINTMISS Tue 01-Sep-15 08:36:58

I would certainly not expect my children to expect me to entertain them on my birthday. No Way!

ginny Tue 01-Sep-15 08:40:41

Agree with all above. Simple meal for son and GF and then enjoy your birthday.

kittylester Tue 01-Sep-15 08:46:03


Gagagran Tue 01-Sep-15 08:57:19

It was my birthday yesterday and we were invited to DD's for a meal which was absolutely lovely. Champagne on arrival then a roast chicken meal followed by a birthday cake dessert of chocolate brownie cake(plus candles) with strawberries, raspberries and home-made ice-cream. All delicious and hugely enjoyable.

I don't think it's too much to expect your birthday to be just that - your day. I don't want gifts - I already have too much stuff. Being with my loved ones is all I really want.

Teetime Tue 01-Sep-15 08:57:56

Here here! or is it hear hear! - I never know. smile

suzied Tue 01-Sep-15 09:09:38

thanks so much everyone. I will definitely make it clear the meal is to celebrate DS gf birthday. No mention of mine will be allowed!

MaizieD Tue 01-Sep-15 09:17:55

It's 'hear, hear' (listen, listen) and you are not being at all unreasonable.

Lona Tue 01-Sep-15 09:27:25

Learning to say no has been the most liberating thing I've done ever. Just saying, "No thanks, I don't want to do that" with a smile, is all that's necessary, no need to explain.
On your birthday, do what makes you happy. sunshine

granjura Tue 01-Sep-15 09:42:41

Agree, learn to say NO- but always with humour, a smile and a wink.

glammanana Tue 01-Sep-15 09:43:17

You do what you want suzied and kindly refuse with a smile I have done that for my birthday in a couple of weeks time and to be honest I do think they where all relieved to be without the pressure it would have caused for them to have altered their work pattens so hubby and I will spend the day doing what we want .

Eloethan Tue 01-Sep-15 10:29:35

That reminded me of the cartoon birthday card my 22 year old grandson got me. BAD LANGUAGE ALERT. Two older people sitting on a sofa and the man says "What do you say we have a special family meal for your birthday tomorrow?" - "Janet thought that would be lovely" - open the card and "Janet didn't realise she'd be cooking the fucker". It made me laugh though it wouldn't have done if it represented what actually happens.

I absolutely agree with you suzied. That isn't a birthday treat at all for you and I think you are perfectly within your rights to say, with a grin, that as much as you'd enjoy spending the morning of your birthday slaving away in the kitchen, you've decided to forego that pleasure and have a meal out instead!

FarNorth Tue 01-Sep-15 11:03:11

The idea obviously just occurred to your DS and he didn't give a thought to the work involved.
You were quite right to say no. sunshine

Indinana Tue 01-Sep-15 11:11:01

Good grief, no, you are not being unreasonable! I don't think our children, especially our sons, ever take account of the work involved - we mums have always done this stuff, so obviously it's no hardship to us. We can do it without thinking, can't we? No, we can't!!! And more to the point, we like to be pampered, have someone else do things for us, just once in a while.

Definitely agree about saying 'No' without explanation. I knew someone who could always effortlessly do that. I was so envious.

Enjoy your birthday. Put your feet up. Refuse point black to do a sodding thing for anyone else all day flowers

TerriBull Tue 01-Sep-15 11:22:56

I'm with everyone else on this, entertaining family and friends is a lot of damn hard work, tidying the house, buying the food, preparing it and clearing up afterwards, how is that a treat? If we have a birthday with a nought on the end, we treat ourselves and go away. We have done Rome and Venice for my husband's past two noughts and Mexico and Argentina for my last two. We did an impromptu party, in the garden for my husband's b'day a few years ago for family and friends, his being early September, any day soon, it was a lovely hot Sunday we enjoyed doing it but it was a 24 hour frenzy of food preparation and masses of clearing up afterwards. Go out for a meal and enjoy it and have a few glasses of wine and a lovely day.

thatbags Tue 01-Sep-15 11:50:45

YANBU. My family members know me well enough not to even suggest such a thing, thank goodness. Yes, make your preferences wants very clear. You can do it in a mock-amused mock-terrified way. Good luck.

thatbags Tue 01-Sep-15 11:54:51

Or even a completely serious but melodramatic What!? cook for my own birthday celebration! Not blimmin' likely!

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 01-Sep-15 12:01:58

I did it for years - cooked my own birthday dinner for the family. And for Mother's Day. I always felt something wasn't quite right. We go out now, or DD cooks.

sunseeker Tue 01-Sep-15 12:14:58

I don't understand why he is bringing his gf to you to celebrate her birthday, doesn't she have family of her own who want to celebrate with her? or better yet why doesn't he take her out for a nice romantic dinner? As for cooking for your own birthday party - NO, NO, NO. you are not being unreasonable.

Jane10 Tue 01-Sep-15 13:45:13

Two years ago on my birthday I shopped for prepared , and served a birthday dinner. While doing this I overheard DH and DS making 'hilarious' 1970s style comments about my catering skills. I was really upset. I'd done all this after a long day at work. Well I lost it with them! Boy did they get a surprise. Ever since I've been treated to lovely meals out on my birthday and DH rushes to help if I am preparing a special meal.

rosequartz Tue 01-Sep-15 15:44:55

Hear hear to all the above!

Although I do think it is nice that his gf wants to come to your house on her birthday (lots of young people just want to go to the pub and can't be bothered with the oldies).
You could say 'Oh, great, are you bringing the food and wine and doing all the cooking then?'

However, your birthday is your birthday, quite separate and you deserve to be spoilt on that day.