Deadline for DS.

I'm another one who was at work at just 16. I didn't even have a say about the job - my parents arranged a junior office clerk (also known as MUG) position at their solicitor's office. I was paid £3 per week including Saturday morning until 1pm and my bus fares were 10 shillings weekly. I handed over my pay packet to my Mother, who gave me £1 back for fares and "spending money".

After a year I found myself another job at the local electricity board at double the pay for just 5 days so then Mum said I should pay her board money of £3 per week.

Another year later I joined the Inland Revenue and earned £30 per month which enabled me to flat share with another girl. I got married at 21 and had a long and successful career with the Revenue.

I do think that we had to grow up and be more responsible than the youth today who have 5 years education more than I had and don't start work until the age I was running my own home!

I was also at work shortly after my 16th birthday, higher education was not an option, and like harrigran I married three weeks after I was 21 to "escape"I was told I would not be allowed to do so before. We did grow up very fast in those days but I have always been very independent.

Even we were a pampered generation as children, here in the UK st least, not going down the mines or working in the mills. But there are children all over our world slaving away still or dodging bombs, air strikes and bullets.

Now, I am wondering about home schooling. Does that make young people grow up slower or faster than mainstream school. Or no difference?

Your post harrigran has made me wonder whether going out to work from age 14 or 16, as opposed to leaving school at 18 or not entering work until 21 after uni, makes young people grow up faster.
I suppose that is logical really. I had not thought of that before.
When I as at school, people either started work at 16 or 18 generally.

I left home on the eve of my 18th birthday, I think we were much more grown up in the 60s, I had already been working for two years.
I probably would have married earlier but would not ask parents for their permission so waited until I was 21.

I left home at 18 to go to Teacher Training College. I didn't inform either parent where I had gone. My father was the 'parent in residence' that year and I simply told him I was going to college. I forged his signature on my grant form.

No, you can't pass this sort of thing on, but my point is 'children' can be very resilient. I was never 'babied' as Ruby's son has been, so he might not be able to acquire the life skills I did, from a very early age. I can laugh at my chaotic upbringing now, but believe me it wasn't funny at the time. However it has made me a very strong person.

That was a very sad situation for you Anya.

It would be great if you could pass on what you know to rubylady's son, but life doesnt really work like that sadly.

I suppose[could be wrong] that different people take things in different ways.

Can I ask how you were feeling at age 18 or 19? Did you leave home then?

ruby
Truculent teenagers are a pain at the best of times, but if you are on your own and not well it must be really getting you down.

If he was going to university he would be off at 18 or 19, perhaps never to come back again except for visits.
There must be alternatives. I do know a lot of young people join the Forces but that might not be for him and I don't know that I would recommend it for one of mine these days.

Yes, he is young, but plenty have left home by 18 or 19, and many more hang around until their 30s!

I think you both need to have a serious talk, perhaps with an intermediary so that you don't each go off at a tangent and get upset, about what he really wants to do, what you want in the future and practical solutions to what is an unhappy situation for you both.

I hope you can find a way forward for both of you.

Only you know if you could really chuck him out. Do you feel love for him?

You might be better off without him. But you couldn't put him out without him having somewhere safe to go, could you? You could encourage him to try and find work, and a place to live, within a year from now. See what happens.

Part of me says, he's your kid. Look after him. Because that's how I still feel about all three of mine. And they are a darn sight older than your son.

AND I was dumped in a boarding school with nuns for two years when I was 7! And I'm perfectly normal(ish).

My Dad left when I was 9 S2B and it was good riddance to him. But he kept coming back and he left again when I was 11 and again when I was 13. And then when he came back my mum upted and left him! Then when I was 14 we all moved back in again and he left when I was 14 and mum left again when I was 16, and so it went on.

I was never sure who I was living with from one month to the next. It's not an excuse. He needs to man up.

If I remember correctly, his dad left when he was 9 [if the search facility worked better, I would have looked it up].
And he is very angry.
And he had counselling. Is the counselling ongoing, and was it at all helpful for him?

Trouble is, life doesnt wait. Responsibilites of one sort or another are going to come upon him, whether he is ready or not.

Ruby I didn't suggest turfing him out, 19 is still young. Several of us have suggested he ought to find paid emplyment and start to pay his way. As a young man with earning potential, he will also be out of the house a good part of the day, and could be making new friends in a job. He will learn new skills, possibly even social ones.

This is light years removed from the sulky teenager he appears to be at the moment.

There is plenty of work out there providing he is prepared to graft, work unsociable hours and take a minimum wage. Don't let him tell you otherwise, even if it's seasonal work. But he has to start somewhere.

He's still a boy, albeit a spoils and ungrateful one. Give him a chance to become a man please. He may surprise you.

I do appreciate your comments and have read them throroughly. But I have to say that it comes a time when I have to put myself first. He is not a child. He's not a young teen, he's nearly 19 years old. I'd been working 4 years at that age, been taking on all the family responsibility for 5 years by then (washing, ironing, cooking due to my mum having two complicated pregnancies and then being told I had to do it). And still had a career in the making, being a trainee nurse at that stage.

It's not too much to expect him to help out a bit around the house, put his rubbish in the bins in the kitchen, tidy up after himself when he's made food, make the occassional cup of tea or make an occassional meal for us both, ask if occassionally if there is anything which needs doing. Tonight I got told that I have never done anything to support him and he hates living with me.

I've had him to counselling, tried umpteen times but he refuses to do it and if he won't do it, he won't do it. I'm not taking his rubbish anymore. I deserve better.

I did not do the God stuff out of viciousness, I did it so that it would make him feel like he wanted to move on with his life and get his head down in his studies in order to do that. I would never disrespect the Lord, He is my religion in who I greatly believe.

I do think that children these days are pampered and get a lot of their own way, I know I have done it with mine and I wouldn't again, they would do without more.

Anyway, the top and bottom of it is that my health is getting worse. I have made an appointment today to get tests done and to see a Pulmonologist, see what is going on. I am going to register again for housing. I will at some time need a flat or bungalow and with the housing lists, it will take time anyway.

I agree with M0nica - the two of you need to have proper conversations about the situation, and putting up things that you know will antagonise him is not helpful. And, dare I say it, is not a good example to him of how to resolve conflicts; and not a respectful use of religious symbolism.

It does seem that the strategies that you have used in the past to try and resolve this situation have not succeeded and it may be time to take a new direction, preferably with outside advice. As a single parent you do not have the luxury of a partner to share the load and the decision-making, so hopefully you could use an organisation like Relate to be a sounding board and help you move on with this.

I do think that it is time to move on from this antagonistic pattern into which your relationship has sunk; and it is you, as the adult, who needs to take the first steps with mature consideration.

That should be M0nica shouldn't it.

He could be frightened out of his life when he sees you can't breathe properly, and just doesn't know what to do.

I agree with everything MOnica said in her post.

I don't really think you can kick him out yet. He has problems, and you, his Mum, have to be there for him. Some people reach maturity later than others. He still has a long way to go. It can't be easy I know. It sounds a horrible situation all round. But you have to find a way to put him first. Sorry.

My DS did keep flitting back occasionally until he was nearly 30, and it did take him a long time to decide which career path was for him (although he did always work, was never out of a job and paid me keep).

While I understand your problems Ruby, 19 is very young to be turfing your son out of the house and expecting him to get a job, get a flat etc.

The chances are that the only jobs he can get will be living wage jobs and he may have great difficulty paying rent and living expenses from that. I also suspect that he may not qualify for housing benefit as he is under 25.

It also seems from your posts that the relationship you have with him is antagonistic and dysfunctional. Is it really helpful to place Christian stickers and symbolism everywhere to annoy him becase he is an atheist?

I think it may be helpful to both of you to see a counsellor together to help you both. Relate offer family therapy and counselling and it may be worth while to speak to them to help you bridge your differences and talk to each other honestly and without antagonism and plan a future for him that is hopeful. At the moment he sounds a very lost and unsure young man doing what boys that age do, retreating, to his computer, his friends and avoiding the difficult issues.

I do realise, that when your health is not good situations like this are not easy to deal with. The best way to do so is by seeking outside help.

It does sound as if you have had a very close relationship and now you are both trying to loosen the ties, but that he is not sure how and is getting angry with you, resulting with you getting upset.
Teenagers can't always analyse their emotions or work out what they want to do.
I think it was suggested before in another thread that perhaps a student counsellor could help. Is there anyone who could help you both now, someone who is not emotionally involved but can help you through what sounds like a stalemate.?

Does he know about connexions ruby, there will be one in your local town.

X-posts VQ !!

To be honest Ruby he doesn't sound as if university is the place for him. He isn't prepared to put in the time and effort needed, is he?

Can't you tell him to look for an apprenticeship or a full time job? There's nothing like having to get out and work, earn his own money, to make them grow up. Tough love.