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Deadline for DS.

(37 Posts)
rubylady Sun 04-Oct-15 04:10:42

AIBU about giving my DS a deadline for moving out of home? I have told him that he has to leave on or by 1st October next year. I am hoping that he will be going to university.

Some of you probably know that he has been verbally abusive in the past and at times can still be so. He also, many times, makes me feel very lonely as he spends time with me only when it takes his fancy. I am sure I would feel less lonely alone with the pets. With my illnesses, he appears not to care and doesn't even offer to make a cup of tea for me, never mind do anything else around the house. I cannot go on longer than another 361 days. (Not that I am counting.)

He has just failed his AS levels. He was home schooled but has been back in formal education for two years now. He needs his A levels to go on to university. Plus his driving licence for his paramedic course. I am willing to still have him at home while he gets these under his belt but I cannot live like this for much longer.

He, regardless of my nagging, talking, reasoning, still continues to play games, be on youtube, facebook etc and not do any extra study. I am giving him the time to get his head from up his ass and make something of his life but I have to think for my life too. I honestly thought I was in dire straights the other day with my breathing and was about to call for an ambulance.

How can I give everything to a child and then he doesn't want to spend time with me or even care that I cannot breath properly? It hurts so much I want to be on my own.

Lona Sun 04-Oct-15 10:43:30

rubylady Personally, I think you are a saint to have given him a year! It sounds to me as though some "tough love" is what he needs. Some help and consideration when you're not well is not too much to expect, although at his age, I don't think you can expect much company from him.

MiniMouse Sun 04-Oct-15 11:03:25

rubylady What a horrible dilemma for you to be in sad Just a thought - are you sure that your DS really wants to be a paramedic? Could all his prevaricating be, partly, because it's his way of ensuring he doesn't pass his A-levels, leading to a change in career direction? Does the thought of uni scare him (he probably wouldn't admit to that!)?

ninathenana Sun 04-Oct-15 11:43:54

I could be well of the mark but does he go out and socialise at all ?

glammanana Sun 04-Oct-15 12:26:43

rubylady oh how I feel for you,if he was mine he would be getting the tough love and given a much sooner date than next October !!
Does he really think he will gain access to a paramedic course with an attitude that he has ? and as for being verbally abusive I just wouldn't put up with it for one minute,we all want the best for our children but they have to want to achieve also and your boy needs a short sharp shock to get his life in order.(( big hugs for you )) & a cup of brew

Luckygirl Sun 04-Oct-15 12:35:51

Ruby - I am not sure how old this young man is - I think that makes a difference to your decisions.

If he is still late teenage, then his being at home is not out of the norm; and his inability to empathise with you and your health problems is a pain, but might not be unusual for a boy of that age who is worried about his own life.

If he is older, then the situation is slightly different.

In either event I do not think you can have a say in what he does next with his life - I know you want him to go to uni, but if it is not what he wants then that has to be his decision. I might feel my DDs have wasted potential, but they have to choose what they do with their lives. I know you want him to "make something of his life" but in the end, as a young adult, it is down to him and no-one else to decide what he defines as making something of himself and to either do it or not. We can make suggestions, but in the end it is down to them.

What you can have a say over is how he behaves in your home. Are there any ground rules about helping with the housework, financial contributions etc.? You could simply stop doing the things he takes for granted - e.g. laundry, shopping, cooking unless he meets certain conditions of behaviour in relation to your shared home. I would also ask nina's question as to whether he goes out and socialises at all.

I would also suggest that young men are a high risk group for hidden mental health problems (and indeed suicide) - not trying to put the wind up you, but there is a possibility that he might be suffering in some way and that the facebook/games/youtube are a cover-up for feeling he cannot face the world.

I suppose that what I am saying is that, much as you would wish him to be/behave differently he has to make his own choices, even if they are ones you do not like. If he does not feel brave enough to venture into the world and stand on his own two feet, he can at least be expected to observe some basic ground rules at home - not rules that ask him to live as you want in terms of career and daily activities (e.g. studying as you want him to), but ones that give him the incentive to behave as an adult - i.e. taking his share of things that need doing and knowing that his life will be less comfortable if he does not. A gentle dose of reality: if you do not get the shopping/tidy the living room/wash some clothes then some of your creature comforts will vanish.

I do not know if you have ever read anything about Transactional Analysis - it is a theory and therapy that states that we relate to each other (whatever our age and whoever) in different roles - very often reflecting child/parent roles. Your son is still in a child role at a time when your relationship might be expected to be moving on to relating to each other as two adults.

Might it be worth your while asking yourself what actions you are taking that give him an excuse to stay in that child role? I am thinking that he is used to you saying the same things/expressing the same concerns/ nagging the same stuff (as he will see it) and he might be brought up short if you change your tack. e.g. I'm off out to the cinema tonight, you'll have to get your own tea, and, oh by the way, there's nothing in the fridge.

I do not know your circumstances ruby and some of the above may not apply (e.g. you may not be able to get out to the cinema or whatever) but these thoughts are intended to be helpful, so please take them in the spirit in which they are meant!

Anya Sun 04-Oct-15 14:40:01

This isn't a new problem, I remember you posting about his behaviour before. I doubt he's going to change any time soon and I think you'll find yourself in the same position this time next year.
But I do sympathise.

rosequartz Sun 04-Oct-15 14:58:46

Sometimes it is futile to nag, reason with or even try to encourage a teenager.

Perhaps he does not really want to go to university; certainly he is hiding his head in the sand about it.
I agree with other posters, especially the view that he should be looking after himself more and becoming more responsible for his washing, cleaning his room, perhaps sharing the cooking.
If he has changed his mind about university he needs to start looking for a job or and/or an apprenticeship.
And if he wants to continue living at home to keep a civil tongue in his head.

I think he needs some tough love - both words having equal importance.

Good luck flowers

JoniBGoode Sun 04-Oct-15 15:47:55

If he is over 18 he should be told to show some respect for you and take some responsibility for himself or go. Now.

rubylady Mon 05-Oct-15 05:56:46

Thank you all for your kind words. They are insightful and I will talk with him about not wanting to go to university. But, as I am on benefits, I will not continue to get money for him from next year and he will not be able to get benefits at his age to get his own place. The only options are to be working and getting his own flat/sharing with someone or going to university. For any of that he needs qualifications of some kind.

I am about to put myself forward for a ground floor flat so that my health conditions can be eased greatly. If he doesn't help, then I have to do it myself. He is 19 in May so ready to stand on his own two feet.

Due to assaults, I home schooled him from 12 to 16 when I did teach him many life skills so he does know how to cook, look after himself and I do not now do his laundry or his cooking regular. He does help around the house given a push but after much asking. I am away soon and I will leave him money to go for his own shopping, not leave a fridge full of stuff for him and if he speaks disrespectfully to me, or doesn't care about my health, then he does do without things.

One thing I have done is put lots of God things up, posters, window cling, magnets on the fridge. He is an athiest and detests God things, I have a faith and believe strongly. Hopefully it will encourage him to see that it is time he lived somewhere where he can have full choice over his surroundings. It's not that I don't love him, by goodness I have had since the day he was born tending to his needs, but he has been hard work and I need now to look after myself. He slept with me for the first four years of his life, he was so much hard work, then a little time off and then the home schooling for four years. Then worrrying due to him being depressed and trying to get him help but eventually concluding that unless he wants the help, my hands are tied.

He does socialise, very much so. That's part of the problem really. As soon as he leaves his mates at college, he's home and talking to them all night on facebook, especially one girl who was his girlfriend but now are just friends again. But he still holds a candle and it's hard to get him to see that she won't go out with him again and so he needs to get on with his life and what that has in store. But then who listened to their parents at 18?

All I was asking really is am I right to give him a timescale to work to to find other accommodation seeing that I have to change my life due to health and to get a one bed flat for myself? I don't want to think of getting a two bed flat as I wouldn't want to be in such a hurry again to move into a one bed once he does leave. Plus I wouldn't be a priority then neither, at present I can go priority due to health problems. It's not what I planned coming into this house a year ago but then my problems have got a lot worse over this year and might have been eased with a little help from my son.

Leticia Mon 05-Oct-15 06:45:17

Could you not just stop his access to the Internet? It would force him to do other things with his time?

vampirequeen Mon 05-Oct-15 07:52:51

If he doesn't want to go to uni then he needs to get out into the world and find a job. He'll tell you he can't find one but there is nothing to stop him gaining experience for his CV by doing charity work.

Where does he get his spending money? Are you funding his lifestyle? If so, withdraw the financial support. You're on benefits. You can't afford to fund his lifestyle. He needs a kick up the backside.

Anya Mon 05-Oct-15 07:56:11

To be honest Ruby he doesn't sound as if university is the place for him. He isn't prepared to put in the time and effort needed, is he?

Can't you tell him to look for an apprenticeship or a full time job? There's nothing like having to get out and work, earn his own money, to make them grow up. Tough love.

Anya Mon 05-Oct-15 07:57:06

X-posts VQ !!

Iam64 Mon 05-Oct-15 08:20:59

Does he know about connexions ruby, there will be one in your local town.

rosequartz Mon 05-Oct-15 10:09:35

It does sound as if you have had a very close relationship and now you are both trying to loosen the ties, but that he is not sure how and is getting angry with you, resulting with you getting upset.
Teenagers can't always analyse their emotions or work out what they want to do.
I think it was suggested before in another thread that perhaps a student counsellor could help. Is there anyone who could help you both now, someone who is not emotionally involved but can help you through what sounds like a stalemate.?

M0nica Mon 05-Oct-15 19:14:21

While I understand your problems Ruby, 19 is very young to be turfing your son out of the house and expecting him to get a job, get a flat etc.

The chances are that the only jobs he can get will be living wage jobs and he may have great difficulty paying rent and living expenses from that. I also suspect that he may not qualify for housing benefit as he is under 25.

It also seems from your posts that the relationship you have with him is antagonistic and dysfunctional. Is it really helpful to place Christian stickers and symbolism everywhere to annoy him becase he is an atheist?

I think it may be helpful to both of you to see a counsellor together to help you both. Relate offer family therapy and counselling and it may be worth while to speak to them to help you bridge your differences and talk to each other honestly and without antagonism and plan a future for him that is hopeful. At the moment he sounds a very lost and unsure young man doing what boys that age do, retreating, to his computer, his friends and avoiding the difficult issues.

I do realise, that when your health is not good situations like this are not easy to deal with. The best way to do so is by seeking outside help.

rosequartz Mon 05-Oct-15 19:17:45

My DS did keep flitting back occasionally until he was nearly 30, and it did take him a long time to decide which career path was for him (although he did always work, was never out of a job and paid me keep).

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 05-Oct-15 19:34:49

I agree with everything MOnica said in her post.

I don't really think you can kick him out yet. He has problems, and you, his Mum, have to be there for him. Some people reach maturity later than others. He still has a long way to go. It can't be easy I know. It sounds a horrible situation all round. But you have to find a way to put him first. Sorry.


jinglbellsfrocks Mon 05-Oct-15 19:36:42

He could be frightened out of his life when he sees you can't breathe properly, and just doesn't know what to do.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 05-Oct-15 19:37:38

That should be M0nica shouldn't it. smile

Luckygirl Mon 05-Oct-15 19:46:33

I agree with M0nica - the two of you need to have proper conversations about the situation, and putting up things that you know will antagonise him is not helpful. And, dare I say it, is not a good example to him of how to resolve conflicts; and not a respectful use of religious symbolism.

It does seem that the strategies that you have used in the past to try and resolve this situation have not succeeded and it may be time to take a new direction, preferably with outside advice. As a single parent you do not have the luxury of a partner to share the load and the decision-making, so hopefully you could use an organisation like Relate to be a sounding board and help you move on with this.

I do think that it is time to move on from this antagonistic pattern into which your relationship has sunk; and it is you, as the adult, who needs to take the first steps with mature consideration.

rubylady Mon 05-Oct-15 23:46:35

I do appreciate your comments and have read them throroughly. But I have to say that it comes a time when I have to put myself first. He is not a child. He's not a young teen, he's nearly 19 years old. I'd been working 4 years at that age, been taking on all the family responsibility for 5 years by then (washing, ironing, cooking due to my mum having two complicated pregnancies and then being told I had to do it). And still had a career in the making, being a trainee nurse at that stage.

It's not too much to expect him to help out a bit around the house, put his rubbish in the bins in the kitchen, tidy up after himself when he's made food, make the occassional cup of tea or make an occassional meal for us both, ask if occassionally if there is anything which needs doing. Tonight I got told that I have never done anything to support him and he hates living with me.

I've had him to counselling, tried umpteen times but he refuses to do it and if he won't do it, he won't do it. I'm not taking his rubbish anymore. I deserve better.

I did not do the God stuff out of viciousness, I did it so that it would make him feel like he wanted to move on with his life and get his head down in his studies in order to do that. I would never disrespect the Lord, He is my religion in who I greatly believe.

I do think that children these days are pampered and get a lot of their own way, I know I have done it with mine and I wouldn't again, they would do without more.

Anyway, the top and bottom of it is that my health is getting worse. I have made an appointment today to get tests done and to see a Pulmonologist, see what is going on. I am going to register again for housing. I will at some time need a flat or bungalow and with the housing lists, it will take time anyway.

Anya Tue 06-Oct-15 14:06:32

Ruby I didn't suggest turfing him out, 19 is still young. Several of us have suggested he ought to find paid emplyment and start to pay his way. As a young man with earning potential, he will also be out of the house a good part of the day, and could be making new friends in a job. He will learn new skills, possibly even social ones.

This is light years removed from the sulky teenager he appears to be at the moment.

There is plenty of work out there providing he is prepared to graft, work unsociable hours and take a minimum wage. Don't let him tell you otherwise, even if it's seasonal work. But he has to start somewhere.

He's still a boy, albeit a spoils and ungrateful one. Give him a chance to become a man please. He may surprise you.

soontobe Tue 06-Oct-15 14:16:31

If I remember correctly, his dad left when he was 9 [if the search facility worked better, I would have looked it up].
And he is very angry.
And he had counselling. Is the counselling ongoing, and was it at all helpful for him?

Trouble is, life doesnt wait. Responsibilites of one sort or another are going to come upon him, whether he is ready or not.