Untidy Grumps

I meant it in a nice way.

I used to work with a woman who claimed she dreaded the day she started living with a dirty old man. She meant dirty in the true sense of the word. Why do these men turn out so?

Who does the food shopping for these fat grumps? Do the men shop for their own or are you providing the junk food for them?

I don't like that silly name either; wish I hadn't used it! But I know partner thinks I am a nuisance because if I go away to see my brother in Belgium, he loves having the house to himself! I am glad you feel okay now. I'm sure I'm gonna feel the same; initial relief and then sadness. Thanks for replying. It's so nice to hear about others and know they understand!

Wota*ABC123 – can’t bring myself to write the whole name as it sounds so self-deprecating. You remind me so much of how I was. Yes, doormat sums it up. But I didn’t intend my post to be heart breaking, and wasn’t seeking sympathy. I was just telling it as it was, very difficult to live through, but also knowing I could have done more to help him in his final years, had I been the person I am now. Yes I did feel guilt, that was about my reaction to his death. We were happy once, had two lovely children, and now four grandsons he did not see. He deserved to be mourned, and I could not give him that. But I have found peace in myself now, I feel love for him again and the guilt has long gone. Good luck to you, and all those others suffering with their grumpy, smelly old gits.

I meant not much money!

i was brought up in a large family we lived in a back to back my stepfather built a sink in bedroom and made a bath in living kitchen which could be used as a worktop very clever really we were always clean I don't know how people put up with someone who is too lazy to wash I appreciate illness can make you less inclined but it's not an excuse when I was having chemo hubby had major surg a massive abdo cut but we helped each other was hard but we managed so get them told ladies they are not children ??

The hardest thing to get to grips with is the constant feeling that we could be happy if his attitude changed. Even with much money, physical "doings" and poor health we still have things to feel grateful about. I am not perfect at all but when he's even in a slightly better mood, things are so much more pleasant.

I was just thinking how sad this thread makes me feel. We meet them when we are young (mostly), then the excitement of courtship, how they make us feel. Then the wedding, the children, wonderful happy times (again mostly) and then it comes to this for some couples I know that's life but still......

Heartbreaking, hotpants. You did more than your best with no encouragement from him so it's sad that you feel guilty. However, I completely understand because this is why I can't ask my partner to leave. I am afraid of future guilt feelings. My mum and dad were always preaching kindness and were lovely people but it's left me as a doormat really. I must believe in Heaven because I think that if I look after the old swine I haven't got to feel guilty! Luckily, though, I am retired so don't have the problem of working too. You do have my sympathy. Some men don't seem to have any consience.

I lived with a smelly, unkempt and uncommunicative husband for years. He occasionally took a bath (about every 2-3 weeks) but would emerge with armpits still stinking so I guess he just sat in the water and did no more. He was quite a few years older than me, so was at home while I still worked. He seldom went out and would sit all day in his armchair reading The Independent from cover to cover. We had no social life, which although I was lonely suited me, as I was very embarrassed to be seen with him. Any attempt I made to discuss our problems were met by hostility and silence. My suggestion of counselling was met with derision.
He died very suddenly, and I am ashamed to say that I felt nothing but a sense of relief and freedom. My main feeling was of anger towards him, that, in my mind, he had cared so little for me. I didn’t see or acknowledge how he must have been feeling, about retirement while I was still young(ish) and active, or how my indifference and repulsion must have affected him. I did not see that his deprived and motherless upbringing shaped the person he was, unable to show affection. It took years for me to remember and cherish our early years together, and the man he once was. I had bottled up my feelings for so long, I did eventually grieve, but that took years to work through.
If only I had had the wisdom, confidence and self-awareness then that I have now. My feelings now, after twelve years, are of sadness and regret. It takes two to build a relationship, and I gave up on him too soon.

Mine is grumpy and critical of everything I do. He's got heart failure at 50 after 3 heart attacks following a major op last year. He can't do much himself (although he never really did housework before except for a bit of cooking). He can't work and I work full time and try to do everything else. I know I'm not on top of everything and honestly my motivation is flagging, but his criticism is getting me down. When in a particularly bad mood he told me I hadn't done anything for 30 years and that I'm lazy. I've brought up 2 children and except for 6 months with my son and just over 4 years with my daughter always worked full time and tried to keep the house running. Even then I worked as a playgroup leader. I had to take time out last year to look after him and went back to work as a temp in May.

My daughter and her boyfriend live with us but she helps as and when she feels like it. My son, his partner and my lovely 5 month old grandaughter live on the same street which helps to kee me going.

I just don't know how much more I can take. He's never been one for showing affection but he's getting worse. He has to sleep downstairs as he can't manage long in a bed without waking up.

Ha ha jinglbellsfrocks, I think you might be right!

I can't understand these slobs, I'm reading about on here. I'm 82, I shower every morning. Sadiesnan, is correct In some respects. When I was young, we didn't shower everyday, we didn't have the facilities. Five of us lived in one room, known as a single end in Scotland. Nevertheless, we were all, scrubbed clean. My mother made sure of that.

I nursed my wife, for two years, before she passed away. Ill as she was, I still helped her into the shower, every morning, until she was too ill.

We lived in a three bedroom house, which I still live in. It is thoroughly cleaned every week. I get a woman in, for an hour, once a week. She does the stuff, I can't manage. Window cleaning, vacuuming. She tells me my house, is cleaner, than some of the women she cleans for.

Keeping clean, costs very little. All you need, is a little work, and pride in your appearance.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel. I had a drinking problem, through which my wonderful wife suffered. But even then, I still showered every morning, and was always immaculate, when we went out anywhere,

I feel sorry for the women, married to these "men". I certainly, couldn't live with them. Just reading about them disgusts me.

Sadiesgran I wonder if you are missing the all-important nagging gene.

It's true people, in the old days, couldn't have a bath or a shower every day, but I remember standing at the kitchen sink (no bathroom) every day and having a, nearly, all over wash. The adults did too. We were an all female household, but my male rellies never ponged.

The weekly bath was never skipped even though it was a difficult affair involving a copper for heating the water, a tin bath, and bowls for emptying the (thrice used) water.

We were clean.

Mine's very clean but I sympathise with the untidy bit. Yesterday afternoon I found 2 jackets, a cardigan, a jumper, a pair of socks and a pair of tracksuit bottoms thrown on the bed. He has also become very grumpy and intolerant of almost everyone and everything since he was diagnosed with cancer, which I can understand really (he's OK now hopefully). He has lots of health problems, none of which are debilitating, so I try to be patient. Not always easy though.

I'm starting to appreciate living alone after reading these posts maybe I will give the online dating a miss after all.

Everyone is different. When we were all growing up we didn't shower every day did we? We didn't even have a shower back then, we just had a bath. My dad was very strict about the hot water. You were only allowed a bath once a week and with only enough water to wash in. Showering every day is a modern habit, which some haven't adopted.

One thing that still revolts me after all these years is the shared towel thing. We didn't have our own towels and the thought of drying your face on a towel that someone has previously dried their privates makes me shudder.

Anyway, thank you for all the replies on this thread. They are all very supportive and helpful. I've decided to start a new tack with him and the support on here has helped with that.

We've started this morning with some bluntness. I'll let himself stew on that for today and see what happens. I do make a joke with him sometimes to lighten the mood. For example if he has a shower I'll look surprised and say I'm sorry I forgot his birthday.

Anyway, thanks again everyone xxx

I just can't imagine living in the same house as someone who doesn't shower every day. I think I would have to withdraw my services....such as cooking and shopping. I certainly couldn't eat in the same room as a smelly person.
After being stuck in a bad marriage and then, by accident, meeting my second husband 24 years ago I don't think I would put up with any more nonsense.

And me nina! I feel for those of you stuck in this position.

Lol nina me too.

Reading this thread, I'm really counting my blessings.

for anyone who has a grumpy, slovenly DH/SO

Jingl, it`s more than my life`s worth to open any window in the house, he hates fresh air! Seriously, he`s almost always in his bedroom, so opening the window isn`t feasible, plus he likes it warm, so the heater is on 24/7. As for keeping HIM clean, as someone said, I`m not his mother, and he`s 6 feet tall, I`m 5`1"! Any mention of how he looks just brings on another argument. Before we married, his mother wouldn`t even let him have his tea without him having a wash and changing his clothes after work, so I think he started rebelling as soon as we got married, and it just escalated over the years.

Merlor you're a woman after my own heart. I've been known to sniff DH and wonder 'is that you or the dog?' and to tell him straight 'I'm not going out with you looking like Compo from Last of the Summer Wine!'

Subtle just doesn't work in our house.