Untidy Grumps

Lack of personal hygiene could be due to depression as could the grumpiness.
Just a thought, you know him best.

Ha Ha! Join the club, Sadiesnan. My DH had a mild stroke five years ago which destroyed his peripheral vision. Oh, happy days for him. Wonderful excuse to drop socks on the floor (sorry, can't see them) miss the loo and pee on the floor (can't aim properly) drop stuff which his magnetic grabby thingy won't pick up (I'm the non magnetic thingy wot picks up)

He can be a grumpy old git BUT he's just completed a building conversion which we are now living in even though there were moments when I thought I was working with a cross between Norman Wisdom and Frank Spencer

He doesn't seem depressed, just happy in his own little world where he doesn't need to tidy up himself or our house.

I used to have one of those long before age could be an excuse!

Until I reached the end of my long bit of rope. We had a chat ( well I talked anyway lol) , I explained I was neither, his maid, his mother nor his skivvy. The kids had left home, I worked full time , as did he and either we had a partnership or he had a divorce on his hands.

And I meant it!

I explained how being permanently grumpy was depressing for everyone around him and I wasn't wasting another second of my life apologising for him or picking up after him. I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him BUT I didn't NEED him. I could live without him but I chose to live with him.

But things had to change and that was his responsibility. I wasn't wasting another moment worrying about it or him. So whatever he chose to do was ok with me.

He actually didn't say anything in response but I wasn't surprised about that as he's not a big conversationalist. But slowly as days turned into weeks things did change. I stopped picking up after him , so if he lost things ( which happened often at first) that was his problem. If he started a lengthy grumble I would interrupt and ask what EXACTLY the problem was and what was the solution . No solution - then no point in tumbling !

After a year he mentioned one day he wasn't grumpy anymore and he was right. He'd got into a terrible habit I think and I was actually empowering him by listening. He was messy because I let him by picking up after him.

Now , we're in our 40th year together. He's not perfect and can still grumble up a storm but generally he's a kind, nice man who does his share and treats me like a queen. It was a solution that worked/works for us.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you too xx

Wow, NaG well done, you have certainly sorted out that problem! If only more people would work that hard at finding a solution instead of just walking away from a marriage at the first hurdle.

Yes, good on ya! sounds like the best solution to the OP and her problem.

I know what you mean Indinana ! It's too easy to stand on your pride and throw the towel in but as my Gran used to say ' pride won't keep you warm on a cold winters night '!

Don't get me wrong - he's not perfect now but then neither am I . It just reached a point where I had to tell it like it was AND be prepared to follow through . It's a bit like I tell my kids when the little ones are naughty - no empty threats :-))

Sadiesnan, I can empathise with you. My grumpy old git is 71, nearly 72, but it`s not age or depression, he`s always been like this, but has gone worse in the last few years. I know he`s had a lot of illness and a good bit of time in hospital over the last 2 and a half years, but instead of trying to improve things, he spends all his time either asleep or playing on his PS4. He sits up all night in his bedroom, using lights and gas for the heater, then slumps in his chair asleep for most of the day, whilst muggins here does everything. Oh, I`m sorry, he does take the wheelie bin out on a Wednesday night, and sometimes he even brings it back in the morning, and once every now and again he dries up after I`ve washed up. And he only has a wash if he`s going out anywhere, which isn`t very often.

Same here ... he doesn't believe in the power of soap and water, changes of clothes or even brushing his teeth anymore. Used to when he was younger but since then has doubled in weight and is interested only in TV, drink and junk food.

I do most things on my own or with friends and children now. If he wants to come along he knows he has to be at least clean, as I refuse to be seen with him in his usual state.

Oh dear, that's hard to take, those whose husbands are giving up. I thought mine was lazy, but he does keep himself clean, but refuses to cut his hair or beard ( I threaten to do what Delilah did ).
As Nina says, it could be a form of depression, getting old is often depressing, it's certainly no joke. I think there's a type of depression with older people that does respond to certain medication - someone we know was prescribed it and it lifted him a lot. He was single.

We no longer sleep together, I couldn't bear to be in bed with him to be honest. His bedroom smells.

"He was single" is the give-away here, I think, TriciaF. All the old grumps I know are married and seem to think they do not need to make any kind of effort other than lift the glass or change the TV channel.

We have separate rooms as well. Apart from the fact that he is so fat that we would not fit in the same bed anyway, same things apply as mentioned by Sadiesnan above.

And then they say it is women who let themselves go ...

Wow you ladies impress me! You put up with far too much. Shows your strength of character because you still sound like you're living your life !

I do have a question , from what you say you're not getting much out of your relationship , so what makes you stay?

Do you cook and clean for them too?

I wonder if they'd continue their ways if you only took care of yourselves ?

I also wonder if women go down the same route as these guys or is it a man thing?

I have known some women who went the same way, but they did not stay married long ...

In my case the OH was diagnosed with a terminal illness shortly after I decided to go for a divorce, so I agreed to stay, as he only has another year or so to live and it seemed a bit harsh to leave him at that point, and no, it is not depression - we've had that checked out and the doctors say it is not. He's just fat and lazy and has been for years.

Not sure how others put up with this, knowing they will live like that for the rest of their life.

NanaandG, I stayed years ago because I didn`t know how I`d cope on my own, and I couldn`t have taken 5 children with me with nowhere to go, and now I stay because after over 52 years it`s become a habit. He`s not mean, regarding money, just doesn`t care what he looks like, smells like even, and most of our rows are about his appearance or his laziness. We also have our eldest daughter, who is disabled, living with us, another reason to stay. I don`t think it can be depression, he`s always been like it, just is getting worse as time goes by.

I don't see why you can't keep them clean. If his bedroom smells, why don't you open the window, and change the bedding?

The bedding gets changed every year whether it needs it or not. Seriously Jinglbellsfrocks, "keep them clean?" I'm not his bloody mother.

I totally get when its not been feasible to leave.

And I get that you're not his mother Sadiesnan .

But playing devils advocate - it's a rock and a hard place. Change the bed , open the windows mitigate the smell. Leave him to it and he'll smell.

I once held my brother down and scrubbed his neck to eradicate the tide mark ;-) I wouldn't hesitate to hose my DH down if he wouldn't deal with personal hygiene !!

But then I'm a take no prisoners kind of wife!! :-))

Ok, so first thing is there's always a lot more to lives than is possible to understand from an odd post on here. The window does get opened, the bed does get changed, the smell must be embedded in the carpet or something, even though I leave his door open to create a through draft. As regards hygiene, flogging a dead horse comes to mind. Just how long do you keep flogging the bloody thing before you've had enough. Stubborn doesn't cover it! I had cancer nearly two years ago and I haven't the physical or mental strength to hold him down and scrub him and anyway he's a big bloke!

Can I help Sadiesnan? :-) I'll bring my own scrubbing brush!!

So, in your mind is there anything that you can do to the change the situation? Or is the reality that it's something that you have to live with no matter how unhappy you are?

Do you think he knows how unhappy you are or do you think he just doesn't care?

I really do feel for you, being unhappy is exhausting , it must make everything feel so hard x

He's very stubborn and I've given up with him for the most part. I try and get on with my life and ignore all the negatives. I just don't have the strength to mother him. I could do with a bit of looking after myself. I have a lot of health problems and I don't sleep well.

Oh, I did laugh at jings comment and sadies reply!!! Cheered me up. I have the same situation and fell out with my brother because I wouldn't kick the old man out.

That's very sad Sadiesnan and probably not doing your health any good at all.

I hope you manage to find the strength to find some happiness even in your situation x

If DH were left to his own devices he'd probably stink like a polecat. After his stroke he began to lack interest in his appearance and personal hygiene but he should have realised that he was married to somebody who could nag like the naggiest of naggy things.

It's hard work sometimes but he now knows the score. I'm not going to let him be socially unacceptable and sometimes he surprises me by dressing smartly (even if he's going fishing) and he never argues when I tell him I'll go out without him if he doesn't change!!

No. I'm not his mother but I'm his wife....For better for worse an' all that.