to not want to contribute to honeymoon?

As has been said before, it is the marriage that is important not the wedding, but it takes a long time to realise that. I have known more than one time when the planning and preparation have lasted longer than the marriage.

I have read every comment on this thread, and i will say that my initial knee-jerk response has been melowed somewhat by some of those comments! My first thoughts were absolutely negative, as it just seemed a bit cheeky to be asking your guests to buy your honeymoon for you. However, I do take the point of many that it is merely a modification of a wedding list, which, so long as you are being reasonable, providing plenty of choice of gifts, with a good variety of prices, starting from very inexpensive items and not getting up into the realms of fantasy seems perfectly acceptable to me. I would not want my guests to waste their time and hard-earned money on making a choice of a gift for me, only to find that three other people had also given me the exact same thing! But I really REALLY have trouble with the whole concept of a 'cash donation', and consider it vulgar and common (sorry, I seem to have turned into Hyacinth Bucket!!) to suggest an actual amount. Not least because that 'suggestion' will likely be an amount that Hubby and I cannot afford to spend on ourselves for gifts.
Our own wedding in 2000 was totally home-made, cost far less than £500 in total (not including our honeymoon, which we had 2 months before our wedding because it was only affordable at the earlier time of year, paid for by a few days' work as an Extra on a TV series being shot locally, which hubby-to-be did specifically in order to be able to provide that luxury for us, bless him) - I made my clothes, the cake, the buffet, did the flowers myself, we went on the odd booze-cruise to buy all the wine, including fizz, had the reception at my mum's, an we even designed and printed all the invitations, etc at home! The Council even put on a fireworks display for us in the evening (well it was the local regatta, but we all trooper down to the seafront to enjoy the festivities together!!) We didn't need household things, so we did give a list of suggestions, with a few small things like tea towels etc, knowing that some people want to give an actual gift, and said that we would like vouchers to use at different stores such as Tesco, Boots, etc. We did make it clear that it really wasn't necessary to give us anything, and that we were inviting them because they were the people we wanted to share our special day with, and it was only family and really cherished friends. We had the best day, everyone really enjoyed themselves, and I was a princess for a day! I realise that wouldn't suit everyone, but I am in horror of the cost of a typical wedding - however wonderful the day, it IS only one day, and it is your lives together after that day which are really important, surely?

We had 2 cheeky invites recently, both from people we barely know, and both asking for cash donations, the first was from a couple who had already been married at an expensive location abroad and were inviting us to a party at a village hall, the second was for just an evening invite, where they forgot to enclose a reply address ... suffice to say we didn't go to either or give money, as far as I am concerned if you aren't invited to the main event, just to an evening do or a party then you can't really be expected to give money, it's kind of obvious when you're only invited because of the gift that you are expected to give.

maybe a donation to an ISA to help save for their own home would be a compromise

Would rather give what they want if it is asked for in the right way. Load of useless presents are a pain. Totally agree with wedding lists as they avoid wasted money which I hate.

One grandmother wanted to give me a silver cake basket! thankfully I steered her to some usable silver - napkin rings and butter dish. Since then I have inherited three silver canteens, 18 silver napkin rings, 5 silver teapots, three silver cake baskets and countless silver butter dishes and milk jugs!!! No we not aristocracy, nowhere near, but it seems to have been the 'thing' back in the day for the middle classes. Luckily I love silver for itself not monetary value, and they all have memories of the people it came from.

Second time around we had everything, so list in London store for china and glass, or rose bushes to remember you by, but it's you we want not your presents.

Agree with marionk - if you don't like it don't go.

And yes it is an expensive day for the family and gives a lot of pleasure to a lot of people. I have hugely enjoyed some fabulous weddings, in borrowed gardens, own gardens, village halls, castle in Cornwall, chateau in France, Blenheim Palace, Syon Park, Sandhurst Old School. The cost of these varied enormously. The venues did not detract or opposite from the occassion as I was there for the family. And as long as I can afford it I am more than happy to pay for B&B, travel there and make a lovely outfit. Wouldn't do it if I didn't feel something for the couple.

My own DCs weddings were fabulous, but they were homegrown - we are an artistic and practical family and part of the joy of the day was putting it all together and making it ourselves so it didn't cost a horrendous amount of money. But it is the bridal families prerogative to do it as they want and for guests to appreciate it.

Surely it's the thought behind the gift that matters, even if they end up with three of the same. I would hate to be invited to make up the numbers so that the couple would hopefully get enough money to fund the spends on an exotic holiday

A friend's daughter is marrying shortly. The couple are in their late 20s and living together in a rented, furnished one bed flat. They have no immediate prospect of being able to buy a property where they live. They have no space to store traditional wedding gifts to use at some unspecified time - possibly years - in the future, and already have enough towels, pans, cutlery etc for daily use. They are asking for honeymoon donations, aware that it is controversial but feeling that they don't really have an alternative. In their situation, is there one?

Personally, I don't have any problem with giving a small donation to the couples honeymoon if that's what they want. I hate receiving unwanted gifts myself, so quite understand why couples don't want piles of "stuff" arriving. In times gone by couples needed basic things to start a home, but even then they used to end up with unwanted and sometimes hideous items.

I agree with another poster, there is always the option to decline the invitation if you object so strongly to the couples lifestyle and choices.

Personally I would only attend a wedding if it was a couple I know well and love dearly. In these circumstances I would be more than happy to give money in lieu of a present to anything they like.

My son married 3 years ago for the second time, and they already had 2 kids between them. They have very little money. The brides brother bought them a honeymoon on the Norfolk Broads as a present and the rest of us gave money so they could have some spending money. Any surplus was used as they wished. They had no need of "stuff" and certainly don't lead an extravagant lifestyle, but needed a bit of help to start married life a second time. Many people are left in debt and poverty after a divorce.

I got 6 canteens of cutlery in 1973! I think it's really cheeky asking for cash for a honeymoon. I would not go to the wedding!

I would take it as a request. If you don't want to contribute to a honeymoon/holiday , it's your choice. Go with what you feel. When money was requested for my cousins wedding, I was reluctant as the couple weren't very good with money. I gave babysitting vouchers for their newborn instead. Glad in the end, as they spent the money on a games console and then separated three years later. But i got to babysit a lovely baby. Another couple, didn't want anything as they were well established, so I gave them a quality backgammon set, with instructions on how to play. They treasure it and spend quality time playing quite often.
Go with your instinct.

I'm still coming to grips with the cheek giving out wedding gift lists. Gifts should be gratefully received no matter what they are or who they are from. Who has the nerve to ask for a fridge freezer, an automatic washer or an expensive dinner service as a gift?! gIfts are just that, something chosen specifically for the recipient with care, love and attention and should be received in good grace as such, even if it is duplicated by others. I'm afraid if I was asked for a donation for a honeymoon, I would simply decline the invitation

Society has changed since a woman could not work and, in middle and upper class households, was given a dowry as a contribution towards her keep and that of her children and also since it was socially forbidden for a man and woman to live together outside wedlock.

It is now much more common for both parties to be working, for them to live together first and to prioritise securing accommodation whether rented or mortgaged over a wedding celebration. They are often much older when marrying and are now often nearer 30 than 20 as young couples were, hitherto.

Thus, the wedding is not now a social and economic necessity but a celebration of a commitment between two, equal partners. That the bride and groom will probably be more economically independent means that they are likelier to be paying for the wedding themselves rather than, in older times, the nuptials being funded by the bride's father.

In these circumstances they will want to call the shots themselves. They are hosting an event which will scarcely cost less than £100 per person and will, additionally, be giving their guests a memorable day. It is usually the case nowadays that the young couple, having lived together, already own all the household goods they need so traditional 'bottom drawer' presents are not required. In this case it is not too unreasonable, I think, for them to ask for a 'house fund' or a honeymoon contribution'.

For young people to make a commitment to family life, society and a secure environment for any children born into the marriage is, surely, in this age of 'because I'm worth it' narcissism, a deed worth celebrating in a spirit of goodwill.

Nevertheless, the wedding day is just a party. It is the marriage that counts in the long run.

A word of warning - a young relative was married last year. He asked for contributions towards the honeymoon and many people brought cards to the wedding with money in them.

The hotel holding the reception offered a special "Wedding Card Gilded Post Box" in their foyer for these cards, and at some point during the reception the whole lot got stolen.

Very very upsetting for the bride and groom and those who had left cash for them in the cards. [Luckily I had sent a card with a cheque ahead of the event.]

Needless to say the hotel is insisting it is not liable nor insured for that theft. The legal battle continues...

I find the asking for money difficult and why not ask for minimum donation, almost like selling tickets to the event then we won't worry about if we have given enough. Sounds awful I know but what ever they say the money is for, I see it as making a contribution to the wedding. They have invited us so increasing their costs and if they hadn't invited us that money could have gone to a honeymoon or something else for them. We hopefully will all have a memorable and enjoyable day which we will all remember. Obviously some exceptions like grandparents and close family but hopefully they will buy a present.

As you say many of the cheaper weddings are far more enjoyable and vicars should make rules, the marriage is the important thing.

Maybe on those lines more people would get married earlier in their relationship and not be divorced before the wedding is paid for.

My niece suggested people might like to contribute to their honeymoon in Japan, but only to spare some people from having to agonise over what to give. I had an idea to commission a fabric picture done by a friend, to commemorate their day. I did have misgivings but luckily, they were delighted with it.

I have several thoughts on this, one that there is too much hoo ha surrounding weddings, particularly now. It seems a shame to me that weddings can't be low key affairs, a celebration with family and close friends without spending the earth. I find the idea of costly stag and hen dos, where the invitee, who possibly only knows one person on the proposed activity/ies, the bride or groom, is then expected to fork out a lot of money for that day/week-end/week completely over the top and I gather some people are now coming round to that way of thinking, but clearly not all. However, we are all different. I suppose asking for a contribution to the honeymoon isn't that far removed from being asked to go to John Lewis say and select something off a list, which seems to be the norm. these days. I can see why people do that if they have been living together for a while and have quite a few bits and pieces. Yes it is a bit blatant, but sometimes, if a sumptuous spread is being laid on (another waste of money imo) I wouldn't really like to go empty handed. That's exactly what my son did though, because he said he felt coerced into to going to a week-end stag do, which cleared him out financially, and therefore didn't have enough for a wedding present, his rationale was they can't have it both ways, particularly as he didn't want to go to the stag do anyway. He was very early 20s at the time, so didn't really understand the protocol involved, probably still doesn't

All in all I tend to veer towards a lot of the comments here, it's a cheek really, but I would probably go along with it.

Like so many others I had (and still have in the garage) a lot of Pyrex when we married many years ago. Although I love the glass Pyrex rolling pin which is still going strong. There were lots of duplications and as we were buying our home we could have done with the cash. I do not mind one bit giving money to young couples for them to choose something for themselves or put the money towards their honeymoons. Saves shopping and wrapping!! My own dd and sil had been together for a number of years before they married and they asked for money to go to their chosen charity (or to the guests own choice of charity). Enjoy the weddings without worrying whether the presents are suitable.

Nothing like a wedding to ruffle feathers is there! If you don't like weddings politely decline, if you think you have been invited for the 'wrong' reason ditto, if you don't like the idea of donating to their honeymoon memories ditto. I really feel sorry for people who want to share this special occasion with their family and friends just to be met with it not pleasing other people - damned if you do and damned if you don't!

I think it is extremely bad form for "suggestions" to be made as to how much money should be donated. I think it should be left to the person giving the gift to decide how much they wish, and can afford, to give.

We were invited to wedding a few years ago now which would have meant 2 nights in a hotel and petrol for a 600 mile round trip. We had to say no as with a present and clothes etc it would have cost the equivalent of a short holiday. As if that wasn't enough my D and her H were invited just to the evening"do", again 1night in a hotel,fuel and asking someone to have their DC for 2days and 1 night and all for about 4 hours. We both sent presents but it was a bad feeling, almost as if they knew we wouldn't go.

I think actually asking for a specific amount of money is the height of rudeness. For many people just travelling to the wedding is probably as much as they can comfortably afford.

When we got married in 1970 we managed a week in Devon and my dad had to come and rescue us when our car broke down.

As far as I can remember DD and SiL had a couple of days with us after the wedding (which was done very much on the cheap) In spite of this they have been married for 19 years.

Exactly. I've no problem with a celebration of commitment with friends and family. I do have a problem with mercenariness. I think asking for money for a honeymoon is in bad taste. I'd go without a honeymoon rather than do that.

I was quietly proud of DD and SIL to be who said in their wedding invitations that they hoped for their family's and friends' PRESENCE not "presents".

I also think that too much money is spent on weddings and honeymoons. However, I wouldn't let my personal view on the matter influence what or how much I contributed towards a present.

If the couple in question would like money towards a honeymoon, I don't see what's wrong with that. It's no more mercenary than directing people towards a wedding list. And a wonderful (hopefully) holiday will stay in the memory for ever and be every bit as valuable as a gift for the home.

I don't think people who have been married before or who have been in a relationship for a long time should be criticised for not asking for charity donations.

In my view, it's probably better not to attend a wedding than to do so with resentful feelings.

We were invited to a wedding and the invitation was accompanied by a request for 'a suggested donation of £100 per couple' towards the honeymoon (4 weeks touring Australia!)
I was highly unimpressed to put it mildly!

The groom's mother said she was very uncomfortable and embarrassed with this request and had told her son so, to no avail.

We certainly couldn't afford that much so gave £50, but I did resent doing so.