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AIBU

to not want to contribute to honeymoon?

(105 Posts)
shiraz Thu 17-Mar-16 11:45:20

We have been asked to a wedding in the summer. The invites have just arrived and in it there's a request for cash (with bank transfer details) to go towards the couple's honeymoon. I feel odd about this. I have so many lovely things still from my wedding and whenever I look at them I think fondly about the people who gave them to me. Why has this changed? I know I'm probably being unreasonable but it makes me sad. #disgruntled

Grannyknot Thu 17-Mar-16 11:49:54

When I got married those 3 division stainless steel serving dishes were in fashion. I got 4. (I didn't want even 1)!

We happily contribute to a honeymoon fund if that's what the couple want.

Times have changed! smile

tanith Thu 17-Mar-16 12:05:06

Lots of young couples have already established their household long before the wedding and really aren't in need of 'things'. I had no problem contributing what I would of spent on something not wanted/needed to allow them an unforgettable honeymoon.
I too think times have changed and I know I have some precious 'heirlooms' that no one in my family would give house room to.

willsmadnan Thu 17-Mar-16 12:10:17

I have long felt uncomfortable with lists, but I can see the point ...the multiple toast racks being the standing joke, but a honeymoon fund just seems totally mercenary. Ìf, having spent a small fortune on the wedding, you can't afford an exotic honeymoon ,well so be it. Why not settle for a long weekend in Paris ( or Bridlington😊)?
One of the nicest weddings we went to recently was a youngish couple who had been living together for several years so had no need of presents but asked for donations to Water Aid. We actually gave more than we would have done , had it been for 2 weeks on a beach in the Seychelles

janeainsworth Thu 17-Mar-16 12:10:39

I think it's because most young people live together before getting married and have all the toasters, tea cosies etc that that they need.

We attended several Chinese weddings when we lived in Hongkong and the custom there is to present the happy couple with 'Lucky money' in a red packet.

I agree with you Shiraz that it's nice to look at things and think of the person who gave them to you (my garden is full of things which have grown from cuttings from family and friends' gardens), but I'd much rather contribute to something that the couple want and if that's a honeymoon in an exotic location (we had 2 nights in the rain-soaked Lake District) then that's fine with me.

Jane10 Thu 17-Mar-16 12:11:25

I agree with the OP. Its not as if its a 'honeymoon' really. They've probably been living together for years. Its just an expensive holiday. If they'd asked me for money directly I'd donate to a charity in their name. A wedding we recently attended requested this and we were very happy to do it and thought the better of the bride and groom for it.

harrigran Thu 17-Mar-16 12:27:42

I too have just had an invitation to a summer wedding and they are asking for money for their honeymoon. This is his third marriage and they have several children angry Why should we contribute to a holiday in Bali ?
I know of several couples where the marriage was over before the wedding was paid for.

thatbags Thu 17-Mar-16 12:54:14

I would think better of people who have been living together for years and have in the process set up home together, if they just quietly got married and said nothing. I think there is far too much fuss attached to getting married nowadays. Why should a couple who have been married in all but legality expect a present when/if they do decide to officially tie the knot? Just do it.

janeainsworth Thu 17-Mar-16 13:06:53

Well to be fair bags we have had several invitations where it has been explicitly stated that the presents/donations to honeymoon or whatever, are optional, as in 'we ask only for your company.....' and this does not seem to be related to the size or grandeur of the wedding.

I always enjoy a wedding with a nice meal, good company, amusing speeches and dancing, whether it's in a posh hotel or the local, downmarket sailing club or village hall, and think of a monetary gift as a payment to offset the not inconsiderable expense, even of a 'small' wedding.

If you really feel strongly that people shouldn't celebrate making their committed relationship and love for each other formal and legal, you don't have to go, do you?

annsixty Thu 17-Mar-16 13:07:16

I have posted this before. A couple I know are getting married next month,her second, his first. It is so elaborate it makes me gasp but their choice I suppose. They have also requested no gifts but money for a dream honeymoon, long haul!

Lillie Thu 17-Mar-16 13:16:40

Surely the request isn't to fund the honeymoon itself because they would no doubt go there anyway, (especially as it has to be booked months in advance.) I've always seen it as a donation to allow the couple to go out on excursions, take part in local activities or enjoy meals in posh restaurants. Sometimes special honeymoon memories are better than a pile of unwanted gifts.

annsixty Thu 17-Mar-16 13:23:35

Not in this case Lillie I know that. But they are giving everyone a wonderful day, I know and recognise that.

Luckygirl Thu 17-Mar-16 13:30:49

At the risk of sounding curmudgeonly, I think that too much money is spent on weddings and honeymoons - don't even get me started on hen/stag nights.

My DDs had perfectly lovely weddings with flowers from the garden, relatives and friends singing or playing stuff and very beautiful but not ridiculously expensive dresses. Reception in village hall or local field with small marquee. One already had children and the reception was geared round that with bubbles and jars of sweeties - and lots of fun had by all of them. It was a lovely day which was appreciated by all the guests, and we were glad they did not slip away and marry on the quiet - it was a chance for us all to celebrate their lovely family.

A vicar friend of mine gets a bit uncomfortable at all the excessive and expensive trimmings. And so much store is set by this one day that people feel under pressure. There was a bit of a calamity at one DD's wedding, but the genuine love rose above it all and in the end it did not matter.

I have also recently contributed to a nephew's honeymoon via some honeymoon system through a travel agent. Like most YP these days he has been living with his partner for many years and they have a child. We will not be able to attend the wedding. I did feel slightly uncomfortable about it - he knew we would not be able to be there and it almost felt as though we had been invited so we could make a contribution - to be fair he might have thought we would be offended if not asked - who knows? - but we have not seem him for many years. He was at the last family funeral about 8 years ago.

Sometimes it feels as though the trimmings are more important than the sentiment behind it all.

LullyDully Thu 17-Mar-16 13:41:20

Luckygirl, I agree with you whole heartedly. We had a simple nonwhite wedding in 1976. But there is a different generation young now who seem to have always dreamt of being princess for the day. Hey Ho.

Lavande Thu 17-Mar-16 14:06:58

We did not give a second thought to a request to contribute towards a modestly priced honeymoon for a young couple in our family. They have lived together since teenagers, work hard and live frugally with their two children under the age of 5 years. The bride's parents run several successful businesses and would have been delighted to fund a lavish wedding and honeymoon if requested. Instead, the couple chose to pay for a simple ceremony with home catering. The chances of them having any kind of holiday given their low income was just not possible. Instead, the bride's parents were more than happy to look after their grandchildren for a week, so that the couple could have some time away, which for them was sheer luxury.

Many young couples nowadays have accumulated furnishings and household goods by sharing a home prior to marriage. Given the high mortgage repayments or exorbitant rents that many face, a honeymoon is often a luxury beyond their reach or hard to justify.

So, why not help if that is what the couple feel is important for them in starting married life together?

POGS Thu 17-Mar-16 14:18:04

I know why you mean Shiraz.

I had an invitation to a wedding with a 'cash donation ' request to their honeymoon fund.

They had already been living together for 6 years and had 2 children. I understood the fact they had established a good family home and therefore presents could be a waste of somebody's money . However I felt sort of unintentially blackmailed to chip in as there was no other option along the lines of 'if you would like to'. 'just nice to share our day with you'. That sort of thing.

I then thought b----r how much would I give, how much do you give without looking mean. The wedding is costly enough for guests if you have to travel, buy a new outfit, overnight accommodation etc. In the end I got to the point where I chickened out of all of it and made my excuses not to go. Cowardly , yep you betchya .

Kittye Thu 17-Mar-16 14:45:37

I think wedding lists are a good idea, we got lots of towels and Pyrex dishes.
But I think contributing to a honeymoon is a step too far, it just doesn't seem right. The donations to charities are a good idea. For the past few years on our anniversary, birthdays and at Christmas my DH and I have made donations to charity instead of buying each other presents. I feel at our time of life we have everything we need.

SloeGinny Thu 17-Mar-16 14:55:13

These days, many couples already have all the household items they need, so what do you buy? Yet another vase or ornament?

Looking back almost 40 years to our own wedding, I ended up with a stack of stuff I wouldn't, under normal circumstances, give house room to. The obligation we felt to the givers meant that they had to be lugged around all of our frequent house moves and we still have a few bits, still wrapped up, stored in the cellar. I'd much rather contribute to a fund, whether it be for a honeymoon or anything else that the couple actually want, so my money isn't wasted. It also frees me from the present buying trips - Win/Win!

Anya Thu 17-Mar-16 15:04:56

Hear, hear SlowGinny (love the name grin )

Presumably the OP would have spent something on the couple anyway, so why add to a stockpile of unwanted and /or unneeded items.

Just put what you would have spent anyway towards something they'd rather have.

Simples!

numberplease Thu 17-Mar-16 16:51:05

Our eldest son was married in 2011, his 2nd, her 1st, they`d lived together for 15 years and had 2 children, they asked for cash towards redecorating their house and replacing some furniture items, they weren`t going on honeymoon, so most people didn`t mind that. I remember back in 1966, when hubby`s brother was getting married, wedding present lists were just getting into their stride. My sister-in-law to be asked for, amongst other things, white pillowcases with frills on them. One of my sisters-in-law was really annoyed "at the cheek of it", she said "they`ll get ordinary pillowcases and like it!"

Teetime Thu 17-Mar-16 17:09:41

I had thirteen pyrex dishes when I got married the first time (hate pyrex always have) and nothing when I got married the second time. I really like giving something for a wedding list all beautifully wrapped but it doesn't happen often now as people often live together first and they have their home. I have given cash when one couple asked for travel vouchers but it feels odd.

mumofmadboys Thu 17-Mar-16 17:26:27

We too have been asked for honeymoon donations for a wedding we are going to this summer. I don't mind at all. Better than presents they don't want/ need and no shopping or wrapping for me. Win/ win.

NotTooOld Thu 17-Mar-16 18:02:19

I do think it's a cheek to be asked to pay towards the honeymoon. In fact, ostentatious weddings of any sort are at the top of my list of 'reasons to be grumpy', closely followed by little girls wearing glamour clothes and having pierced ears, little boys wearing vastly over priced football outfits..........I won't go on but you get the picture.

harrigran Thu 17-Mar-16 18:16:10

When DS and DIL got married they told people no gifts but if they cared to make a donation to the university hardship fund it would help students.

Coolgran65 Thu 17-Mar-16 18:35:14

In 1973 I got 11 canteens of cutlery....