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Now he tells me, he doesn't really want to move.

(18 Posts)
Smileless2012 Wed 23-Mar-16 16:21:34

We've been estranged from our youngest son for over 3.5 years and he lives 15 doors down the road with our 2 GC, one who we haven't been allowed contact with since he was 8 months old(now aged 4) and the other just 4 months old who we've never seen.

We have our own business and for the last 18 months to 2 years have been discussing what we might do when Mr. S. retires, including selling our home and buying abroad. 4 weeks ago, we went out for lunch and saw a house for sale about 25 miles from where we currently live and that started the ball rolling. We viewed that house and several more, were quite excited about moving away as it's becoming increasingly distressing seeing our GC with them and the childminder, never mind catching glimpses of our ES who behaves as if we don't even exist.

Our house went on the market a week and a half ago and today while having lunch came the bomb shellshockconfused. We talked specifically about this before putting ours on the market as I was worried he'd agree to move and actually go through with it, regretting it and possibly resenting me afterwards. Not as unlikely as it sounds as he's done it before. He did it when we bought the house we're now living in, have lived in for almost 28 years, the house he doesn't want to leave. He did this when we bought our property in Florida which he loves spending our holidays in, so I said he needed to be completely honest with himself and me and today, that's what he's done; he's told me he really doesn't want to leave our lovely home with it's beautiful view.

We've been very happily married for almost 36 years and compromises have been made along the way but this is one hell of a compromise isn't it. If he agrees to move for me, he may regret it and resent me for doing so; if I agree to stay I may regret it (I really do want to get away from here) and resent him for doing so.

AIBU for wanting us to move or is he for wanting to stay? Does it really matter whose being unreasonable when the real dilemma is someone's going to have to make one hell of a compromise. I'mshockconfusedand a littleangry.

Charleygirl Wed 23-Mar-16 16:27:38

Could he not have had the decency to discuss this with you before you started viewing elsewhere and more importantly, before your house went on the market? I am not sure what I would do except to have a burning desire to wring his neck. I am with you, you did not drop him in it saying you were moving- it was discussed. Good luck, words almost fail me re his actions.

NanaandGrampy Wed 23-Mar-16 16:34:01

What a conundrum. And you have already given yourself the answer - it doesn't matter who is being unreasonable - one of you has to compromise.

For what its worth , I would be with you, I couldn't live that close and have no interaction with my child or grandchildren. Id rather be somewhere else where everyday isn't ruled by the possibility that I might or might not see them.

I'd want to move.

Quite frankly, he didn't want to move to your current house but you have stayed there 28 years so it cant be that bad. I wouldnt be surprised if he just didn't like change but once moved will settle in fine.

Good luck.

janeainsworth Wed 23-Mar-16 16:35:02

Perhaps he didn't realise until things got to this stage, quite what the impact of it would be on him.
Do you think it is the house and the view he doesn't want to leave, or the associations it has with your ES?
I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. It's a difficult decision even without the complications of your ES.
Perhaps a compromise would be to spend more time in your house in Florida, but keep your present house.
I find it very hard to leave places to which I have an emotional attachment.

Synonymous Wed 23-Mar-16 16:40:30

You had the discussion and made the decision before you put the house on the market so what is it that has happened to change everything?
If nothing has changed then I would continue with the sale.

We moved fairly recently and DH was most reluctant and because the new house needed so much work he was not settled for a considerable time. It was difficult but since we had made the decision for all the right reasons we went ahead with everything and I am so glad we did as now he loves our new home and wouldn't go back if you paid him.

Without intending any sexism I would say that because of other couples I know in this very situation on the whole this is a man thing!

In any case with the family situation as it is you will feel so much better when you move as it is affecting you more than either of you realise and when you go somewhere fresh you will find it to be like a weight rolling off you.

Synonymous Wed 23-Mar-16 16:43:26

Smileless and it would be nice for you not be without smiles wouldn't it?! smile

J52 Wed 23-Mar-16 16:54:38

Moving from a house that you have lived in for many years is very difficult, even if you are keen to go. You leave behind a bit of your life, but hopefully take the happy memories with you.

It is a bit of a step into the unknown and as we get older it becomes daunting. I hope you can resolve your differences and come to an agreeable solution.

mollie Wed 23-Mar-16 17:23:12

I'm a little confused. You've set the ball rolling, viewed other houses and put yours on the market and now he's got cold feet. I think that's pretty common although most people probably don't declare the fact. But my confusion is that I think you said he also had cold feet when buying your current home and a property in Florida? And yet you went ahead and bought both properties? So what's different now? Why do you think he won't continue and see this move through? And what happened when he had those previous wobbles - did you talk him round, did he change his mind, what? I can understand your need to make a fresh start away from your ES and his family and how this wobble threatens that but if your OH has a habit of this but has completed the process anyway why are you worrying so much now? Or perhaps I've misread the OP - my apologies if I have.

Luckygirl Wed 23-Mar-16 17:43:11

I can see this from the other side, as I was in a position where I had to tell my OH that our planned move to France where we had already chosen a house could not go ahead because deep down I felt it was a mistake. It was difficult to say and did not go down well as you can imagine.

But now he says I was right. It must have been some sort of feminine intuition - shortly after this decision he was diagnosed with PD and acknowledges that he would not have wanted to be so far away from family and friends with this problem - so all ended well - sort of!

rosesarered Wed 23-Mar-16 18:07:50

We can only give our own perspectives on this situation ( obviously) but if it was me, and there was no hope of a reconciliation with my son, I would HAVE to leave there.To see your own grandchildren and they don't know you is heartbreaking.
For my own mental health ( and possibly physical health) I would move away as soon as possible, and I would go further than 25 miles probably.
Find an area that you like, but if you really like the area where you are move as far as is practical.A house is a house.?

Smileless2012 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:14:04

This is more worrying mollie because we've both been through a huge amount of emotional turmoil due to the situation with our son and to be honest I'm not sure I can take much more.

When we purchased our current home I suppose yes, I did talk him round having been alerted to his doubts not long before we were due to complete. With the property in Florida, I talked to him the night before we were due to complete and told him I didn't want him to go ahead if he had any doubts, he assured me he hadn't, telling me once it had all gone through that he regretted our decision.

We've lived here for nearly 28 years and have done a lot of improvements; we love our home and would never have considered moving if not for the problem with our son. He wont move because he can't afford too. We along with my brother invested in his house, providing the deposit which would be due to be repaid if he moved so not leaving a deposit for a property elsewhere.

I've asked him if he thinks moving away will be the final nail in the coffin of what once was the relationship we had with our son, and if that's why he doesn't to move away but he says not.

I love him dearly, we've got one another through this terrible situation so far and I want him to be happy. I've held him as he's wept as he's held me. I've calmed his rages as he's calmed mine. I've helped him see that we do have a life worth living on the days he's struggled to see that, as he has done for me. I want him to be happy, well as happy as he can be and I want to be happy too.

Thanks for all your comments. I think you're right janeainsworth that the reality of what we're planning has hit for the first time. Thank you Synonymous, perhaps it would just take time for him to settle and see the move as being the right thing to do and yes, it would be good to not be without smilessad. I was tempted to wring his neck*Charleygirl*, just momentarily. I'm sure you're right Nannandgrampy, perhaps it is simply the thought of change.

So what do we do? I suppose we should leave things as they are and if we get an offer for our house, by the time that happens he may be more favorable to the idea of movinghmm.

Ana Wed 23-Mar-16 18:21:11

I think that's probably the wisest thing to do, smileless, that way he's still not 'committed' to the move and may have had time to get everything straight in his head, whereas if you just cave in and take the house off the market he doesn't have to think about it any more.

If your experience of house-selling is anything like mine it could be many months before you find a serious buyer, which would give you both more breathing space. Good luck! smile

mollie Wed 23-Mar-16 19:54:41

I understand Smileless. I'm moving for a similar reason but it took me at least 8 years to get OH to actually agree. Several times during those 8 years we started the process but within a few weeks he'd also admitted he didn't want to move and I had to accept this. It's a hard one to swallow when there's an emotional reason behind your desperation to move. I've no solution - my OH suddenly changed his mind and we'll be moving 80 miles in a few weeks and I'm looking forward to a fresh start. I hope you get yours too.

Smileless2012 Wed 23-Mar-16 20:46:53

I hope you'll be happy in your new home mollieflowersI just hope it wont take Mr. S. 8 years to make up his mindhmm.

Thank you Anaflowers.

Synonymous Wed 23-Mar-16 21:40:05

Really pleased for you mollie and hope that your move goes smoothly and that you have great blessings in your new start in a new home. flowers

We had terrible neighbour problems in our past and the sheer relief when we had moved was beyond belief and we had actually thought we were dealing with everything pretty well. It was a real eye opener when we realised just what stress we had been under! To have that kind of situation with family rather than strangers just doesn't bear thinking of as it would be so much worse. sad

Tizliz Wed 23-Mar-16 22:20:25

When we moved 10 years ago we knew we wanted something different but what? Move to France where my BIL lives, the Lake District which we love or Scotland. We drew up lists of pros and cons being completely honest which really helped put things in perspective. Scotland won, and we have not regretted it.

Sugarpufffairy Wed 23-Mar-16 22:55:23

I have read this with a lot of interest as I am in a similar position sort of except for one major thing. At the moment you and Mr S have each other. You have given each other strength when the situation with ES has hurt you deeply.
What would it be like for either one or other of you when the other was no longer around? Without saying much about my situation as regards the DCs and DGC (5 of them). I am alone with all the stresses of one who disappears for months and years at a time then turns up when the proverbial hits the fan and the other is one mass of screaming stress. I find it very hard to deal with all the heartache and stresses on my own.
I don't want to give you any further worries but without DH and my D Parents it is so hard when the people you would talk to is not there. It might be something to look at. What support would either you or Mr S have if the other was not there.
Sorry if this sounds a bit morbid. It is written with the intention of letting you see another factor in the decision

Smileless2012 Thu 24-Mar-16 15:52:50

Goodness Sugarpuffairy I can't begin to imagine what it would have been like if we hadn't had one another. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with so much on your ownflowers.

We have a wonderful son in Aus., supportive family and friends so would never be alone but no one could take the place of dear Mr. S.

Just had a 'phone call from the estate agents, ours is the 3rd most popular residential property on their books with 116 requests for more information. 'Phoned Mr. S. at work to tell him, saying I didn't know if it was good news or bad; got rather a flat 'oh' in reply.

I can't help but think that's what it would be like for us Synonymous, that there would be such a great sense of relief, that we could relax like we do when we're on holiday because we know we wont see them.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens. We go to Florida for 2 weeks in 2 weeks' time so that might help. Thanks everyone for your input; if anything happens I'll be sure to let you know.

Have a good Easter.