Daughter's expectations

As it happens, they all do seem to like me. Or if they don't, they hide it very well

However, that is all hypothetical because they wouldn't, and I do love them. They reciprocate that love but I don't think it is unconditional on either side.

I don't think any love is unconditional. There are always 'conditions' to how one feels about a person.

And it boils down to what I've said to each of my kids as they were growing up and being awkward (to put it mildly): you don't have to like me but you do have to treat me with respect. My being your mother makes no difference to that.

I don't understand this so-called "unconditional love" thing when applied to adult offspring. If my adult offspring were unpleasant and impolite to me, I really don't think I would like them any more, just as I wouldn't like any other person who was unpleasant to me for no good reason.

One loves a baby and a small child unconditionally because one is responsible for it (yes, I realise that's a very biological way of looking at it, but I believe it's true: mother love is programed into our genetic code to enhance the survival rate of offspring), but by the time they are adults if they are being rude or disrespectful, then they can sod off. I have more self-respect than to be treated like dirt by anyone, let alone my own offspring.

In short, I'm agreeing with jings, who said something similar about self-respect further up the thread, if I remember rightly.

I think our children take their frustrations out on us because they know we will still be there for them when they need us. I've had my share of lashings, and it does hurt. I've finally got to the stage of just backing away and letting it go.

DD3 is particularly prone to have a go at me when she is under pressure (which she is a lot of the time) but she tends to come out of it quickly and is then generous and considerate. She tends to offer me wine rather than tea as she knows my preferences well

Not only do my DSs and DiLs make me cups of tea (or hand me a glass of wine), but now the GC (from 8 to 13) do it too. And I am always welcome to make a brew for myself and any of them who want it. They don't come to me very often because the children now have so many weekend commitments, but when they do, the DSs usually take over the kitchen.

I always make myself a cup of tea at my DD's house. At another relative's house I have to wash the dishes before there is any hope of a cup of tea. It is best that way! I know that both these young mums were brought up in houses where the kettle was the hardest worked thing in their houses.

Adaunas - I would not pay too much attention to what is said on Mumsnet. I doubt if I could find words to describe people who are so sure of their own perfectnesses! They are so full of themselves and so outrageous I read through for entertainment. I wonder what they will be like when they join Gransnet! They will be these awful mums and mils!

I think we may have taken the unconditional love too far when bringing up our children! I have two DD's and five DGC, and this year on my birthday, not a single card. I felt so sorry for myself, unusually, wondering if I was the only mum and granny to get no cards at all. Both DD's were very busy at the time, and 'knew' that I would understand, as ever. Maybe we shouldn't be so uncomplaining. I did get gifts when they finally caught up with me, so I shouldn't be petty. It just got to me this year.

In the case of DDs I have always said we give them a voice then they use it against us!!! When my own DD and I are having one of our 'moments' I sometimes think I allowed her to get away with too much when she was growing up but she is a good loving girl with an honest heart so I suppose if she holds up a mirror to me a little sharper than I'd like then I have to at least give it some credit (this sanguine attitude comes after many years mirror holding and many learning curves lol!!!) But I would certainly give her what for if she didn't offer me a brew...what am i saying? It would be ME actually making the brew lol!

I would just put the kettle on anyway and help myself at my daughter's or son's house if I wasn't offered one. They are easy going and I don't need to wait until they ask. It is just good manners to ask though and it may be just thoughtlessness and assume you will get a drink when you need one.

It sounds as if your daughter has too much going on daisybel1 and needs more help or to cut down her responsibilities rather than seeing the doctor and medicalising the problem.

One of my aunts was horribly bullied by another aunt, her sister. I asked nice aunt why she put up with it and she said' well, she's family'. I asked if this same behaviour would be acceptable from a friend? No. Allowing for pressure/tiredness etc., I still fail to see how it is in any way acceptable to be rude to parents who are trying to help. As for not offering a drink or tea, well that is incredibly rude.

Anytime my MIL popped in for a visit, the first thing I would say was "Hi, great to see you, you're looking well. What would you like tea, coffee, glass of wine?" My DD does the same. Now, my niece, that's an entirely different ball game! The entire family have named her me,me for obvious reasons.

It's not just girls boys as well what wrong with this generation of parents when did the rolls reverse and they became the ones in charge and we're to do as we're told I'm for one are fed up treading on egg shells not upsetting one or the other for fear of not seeing the DGC. I never treat my mother in law like this felt like it sometimes but have respect for her.
Hildajennij I would be upset to.
KatyK I know what you mean.
Rant over ?

Daisybel1 I live close to my dil and as my son is away all week she has a heavy load with 2 dgs one of whom has health problems when I feel she is being a bit harsh I realise it is the pressure she is under and that she finds it difficult to ask for help. I usually say I will take the boys for the day or a sleepover and she is grateful I put it down to lack of sleep and her trying so hard to do everything.

When I feel angry with my adult daughters,I always remind myself that I would never want my life without them,and just ride the wave to calmer waters!
As my friends remind me,they come to me with their problems because they feel secure knowing that their mum will always help and support them.
They are the most important things in my life after all.
I also think that life today has become more difficult for many younger people.

Try not to get upset with your daughter; easily said but the advice here that we feel we can say what we like to our families is so true. I cringe now when I think of some of the things I thoughtlessly said to my dear Mum and Dad, long gone, who were so loving and always tried to help. Stress does awful things to us .

Someone said to me once, of my daughter, 'Just love her through it'. It helped, and in any event all things pass. Sometimes we do just exchange one set of problems for another but if you try to let the unkind remarks wash over you it won't add to her problems, which seem to be many right now.

Biting your tongue is really hard when you feel under attack as I sometimes do when the GC are picked up after we've looked after them (which we do on weekdays). It's even harder when you discover that your D has been slagging you off on Mumsnet and receiving lots of sympathy for having a mother like me. That really hurts! However, she does make me a cuppa if I am at her house to visit or to help out, so I have something to be grateful for.

Members of one's own family do take greater liberties than others as they think their behaviour will always be excused. I have become the scapegoat for my sister's ire over the past decade. When she is under pressure and stressed she lashes out at me and makes horrible and hurtful accusations which she never acknowledges later and for which she never apologises.

Her behaviour after one of these 'whipping boy' events is gradually to make contact again by 'liking' posts on Facebook, adding comments and sending purely practical texts and e-mails as if nothing is amiss. However, it is clear that she harbours the ill feeling and, in particular, her distorted vision of me as a terrible person even as she reinstates the relationship.

I would dearly like to challenge her (mildly and politely, of course) behaviour and ask her to act differently in future but am strongly discouraged from doing so by my husband and daughter.

Daisybel1, I think you should speak to your daughter about her unkind treatment of you - but I have already acknowledged that I daren't speak to my own sister about her behaviour so I am not a good example to follow.

As for the cup of tea:- just make your own when you get to your daughter's! Don't wait to be asked!

I have often thought to myself "She wasn't bought up like that" I sometimes have to remind my daughter to do thoughtful things e.g, buy birthday cards and little things like that. It's a manners thing and maybe a generation thing too. You would think it would be a led by example thing but sadly it seems it's not always the case.

My daughter's partner (if they are still together ) has said, when I have visited and I have asked him to make me a drink, that he didn't know how to! What 20+ year old does not know how to make a cup of tea? He can make two babies but not a cup of tea? I really didn't get on with him even though I tried many times.

Well that's something then Lona

KatyK I've often looked at my DD and thought the same thing! But at least she always makes lots of cups of tea!

When it's your own daughter, it makes you look at them and think 'were you really brought up like this?'. I know I did. As for the suggestions that we should ask - we really shouldn't have to ask.

Well don't feel bad Iam I started it.?

Apologies Eloethan - you're right, it's a manners thing. We're so used to having the you know what taken out of us, we northerners sometimes respond defensively when there's no need.

I don't think it's a northern thing - I think it's a manners thing.