adult daughter not happy about my forthcoming marriage

Thanks for the update, ziggy. It's a shame about your daughter's problems, as you say, but they are her problems not yours. All the best for your wedding day.

DH's family did not approve of our marriage. They'd never even met me. His sons eventually came round after a few years but his daughter still doesn't speak to him. Totally stupid imo but that's the way she wants it. It hurts him but he's a pragmatic sort and says there is no point worrying about something he can't change.

Marry your man. Enjoy your life. Whether she gets over it or not is up to her.

I agree with Jalima's posts

I really wouldn.t say the refuse the invitation bit.

Dealing with a close personal relationships is different to job and social life relationships.

This has all thrown her. She needs time in my opinion.

just thought after so many people took time to reply to me about this problem I should return to answer some of the questions.

We have talked lots and some days she is more open to talking than others, we mainly communicate by text as she doesnt always find it easy talking over the phone.

I doubt she is jealous, she has a wonderful partner and as i may have mentioned they bought a beautiful new apartment a few years ago.

She hasnt spent any time alone with my partner as we live so far away. They have only met twice, once when she stayed overnight with us prior to a friend's wedding and once last November when we were in England for a funeral. Both times she was pleasant and polite and has never said anything unkind about my partner. She sent him a small present at Christmas as well as a candle for me, with a poem about 'remembering my dearly loved husband'.

Although she has dyspraxia and dyslexia she is 'above average intelligence' and is just coming to the end of her master's degree. She has been offered professional help but has been unable to open up to anyone since her daddy died.

I liked the comment granny2016 made about her being sad, as i think this is the main problem. She hates change, even if it's good,like a holiday or house move. I think her sadness just gets in the way of every thing else most of the time. I also think she may be feeling disloyal to her daddy by enjoying the wedding (if that makes sense)

I am going to England for 4 days next month for my hen night so hopefully we will get a chance to chat alone during that time.

My daughter in law has been helping with plans for hen night and wedding because my daughter has made it plain she doesnt want to. My DIL would happily take a step back if my daughter wanted to get more involved.

Anyway, as mentioned, I've told her firmly but without getting angry that if she cant come and be happy about the day then she can refuse the invitation. I've also told her I love her lots and it would make my day to have her there but i'm not letting her or anyone else spoil our day or our future happiness

Well done you for standing up to your dd!

Sounds as though you've done a brilliant job of bringing her up to be successful, independent etc.

It's your time now.

Your hen night sounds stupendous.

thanks so much for lovely replies. Sadly over the weekend things have got worse. I asked if she would like a corsage, she asked what this was, I explained, then she replied, "what if i said NO?". I told her she didnt have to wear one. She then made unkind remarks about my 70's themed hen night, called me a drama Llama. Rightly or wrongly this morning, i told her if she was finding this too difficult and couldnt be happy for us then she was under no obligation to accept invitation.

EmilyHarburn, ur message was very interesting. My daughter moved many miles away to uni when she was 18, has gone on to study for a master's degree, has bought an apartment with her partner (a really lovely guy), held down a few good jobs, made friends, has an excellent social life etc etc so I think it is time she grew up and stopped acting like a 'spoilt princess' as one of my friends described her this morning

Or you could just say ' I love you very much, I loved your father very much and I now love Mr X very much. So I hope you'll show your love for me, in return, by welcoming this new man into our family' and then go and get married.

Dyspraxic or disgruntled or feeling displaced, this is a young woman, not a child, who has apparently made a life for herself and therefore should allow you to do the same.

I wonder if your daughter sees how well your DiL is supporting you and this makes you daughter feel she is the one who should be helping you.

I appreciate that the problem for a person with dyspraxia is that they do not have good organisational skills, however there maybe a talent that you spot that you could use to give her some pride in supporting you in your wedding celebration.

Every change in the family brings a change in status for each person.
wps.ablongman.com/wps/media/objects/4915/5033208/Fourth_ed.pdf
Your daughter, despite her dyspraxia has mangaed to grow up , leave home and accept financial responsibility for herself. This involved not just a change in skills but a change in status with respect to three areas of life:
a. Differentiation of self in relation to family of origin
b. Development of intimate peer relationships
c. Establishment of self in respect to work and financial independence

Now that you are going to take a new partner she has to review
a. Differentiation of self in relation to family of origin.

You and she are probably very close emotionally. She now realises that your new partner will be closer and that she will need to be less emotionally dependent on you. Also that her needs will no longer have first priority. Differentiation is not easy especially for someone who is dyspraxic.

If you go on the inter net you will find:

Bowenian Family Therapy - PsychPage
www.psychpage.com/learning/library/counseling/bowen.html
The first concept is Differentiation of Self, or the ability to separate feelings and thoughts. Undifferentiated people can not separate feelings and thoughts; when asked to think, they are flooded with feelings, and have difficulty thinking logically and basing their responses on that.

Your daughter is likely to have difficulty in planning and organising her thoughts as this is one of the elements of dyspraxia. So thinking logically/sequentially is not easy for her and as a result she will become anxious. She will need help to adjust. You may like to look at the ideas on these sites:

www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

www.dyspraxicadults.org.uk/forums/

usemyability.com/resources/impairments/dyspraxia.html

Sorry didn't mean to add this to the thread!! Don't know how to delete! !

This year several friends /acquaintances have died very young. I am 44 & a kinship carer for my 5yr old grandchild. These deaths have frightened me & I am anxious about dying in my sleep.
Is 5 too young to tell a child what to do if she can't 'wake me'?? I don't want to frighten her.
I have a myriad of health issues but none necessarily life threatening but some of the people who died weren't ill either! I've become a worrier ?

Granny2016 I think you are spot on and should get a prize for Best Answer. Just my humble opinion, of course.

Your daughter-in-law can unfollow your daughter on FB then she won't see the nasty posts. It's not the same as unfriending and your daughter won't know. It's as simple as clicking the little arrow at the top right of one of the posts. Apologies if you already knew this ?

But I do think it's important to be clear about facts before getting tangled up with emotions.

Indeed, jalima, about the careful handling bit. Nothing I said suggested otherwise. I was careful only to state what I thought were the facts of the matter, not how the facts should be dealt with.

Is it possible for you and her to have a long weekend together , just the two of you, so that she can realise that she is still an important part of your life and you love her?

Gransnet is funny. When people complain about problems with the partners and families of offspring, people say: Back off; live your own life! When people complain about offspring not liking them getting on with their own lives, people say: Consider the adult children!
Yes, I know, but a young adult with problems may need a bit more careful handling.
Antagonising a daughter who is clearly disturbed by the prospect of her mother re-marrying will cause more problems in the long term. I am not saying that Ziggy should put any of her plans on hold, but just a couple of heart-to heart chats may help.

It's good that Ziggy's DD gets on well with her prospective step-father. Perhaps her DB can have a word with her to find out what is upsetting her about the marriage and set her mind at rest.

Just a thought. You say your DinL is helping with the arrangements, why not you DD? Perhaps she is feeling left out of things? Has she been given a role in the forthcoming event?

Unless your late husband was horrible to her or you she will still have strong feelings for him and doesn't want to betray him by supporting the person about to take his place. It's the same for sons when their mother dies and father remarries - the old step-parent dilemma.
It's quite a normal reaction, in fact shows she has a loyal nature. As others have said you need to get on with your life with your new partner, and unfortunately for her it's just tough - but she has her own life to lead too.

Getting married and living together are very different. No idea why.
I felt that when my oldest got married.... And now again when my youngest is going to.
Maybe it's the idea of forever but I think it's the underscoring of newer and altered relationships.
Obviously your daughter would feel this shift more than a daughter in law as they start off from a different place.
Personally I'd just reassure her that she'll always be important and that you love her and that everything between you and her will stay the same.... And then I'd be watchful of myself for a while to make sure it did!

in not is!

Ziggy I just wonder what is your fiance's take on all this and is he supportive of your daughter? Have they made friends? Is he fully aware of what dyspraxia actually is?
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems but sometimes there can be a simple answer and your DD may well just be picking up on your anxiety for her and that all will be well.
I think I would carry on with the wedding plans, ensuring you include your DD is some of them, and just assume that all will be well. It probably will be but you shouldn't sacrifice your future happiness anyway. Wishing you all the very best!

It sounds to me as if you've all lost the plot. Just get married, she'll soon get used to the change.

Is she feeling like she has lost touch since she has been away and life has moved on and left her behind?

Include her in everything and ask her advice is my thought on this

Good luck !

It seems that your daughter left for Uni around the time that her father died.That must have been difficult for you both,but your daughter would have the assurance that mum was still there in the family home for her emotional support.
Mum having a new man as opposed to a new husband are not comparable.
A new man could leave the scene,but by becoming the husband,he becomes a more permanent fixture,and an equal partner.
I expect your daughter is floundering,as the dynamics of the relationship has now shifted.She would have viewed her visits to mum as going home,whereas she will now be a visitor.
Have a good heart to heart with her,she is sad.