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AIBU

adult daughter not happy about my forthcoming marriage

(42 Posts)
Ziggy62 Thu 26-May-16 16:21:48

my daughter (aged 26) has dyspraxia and doesnt like change in life. Her daddy died nearly 9years ago from cancer. She has lived away from home since she went to uni aged 17. Nearly 2 years ago i met a guy and unexpectedly we got on so well. Last year we moved in together, I got a new job, moved to a new area and in September we are getting married.
I have truly never been happier. I loved my husband dearly but he always had a drink problem throughout our marriage and i protected her from alot of the problems.
I dont understand why she cant be happy for me. I dont have any money or property, so she cant be worrying about losing out financially. She gets on ok with my fiance and has never said anything unkind about him. But everytime wedding plans are mentioned she gets really difficult. My daughter in law is helping with arrangements, so now she has started being very unkind to her, especially on facebook.
I am nearly 55 and just want a happy peaceful life. The wedding is a very small affair, just 28 guests followed by afternoon tea but she is unhappy about everything we are doing

Liz46 Thu 26-May-16 16:29:34

It may sound silly, but have you tried talking it over with her?
I'm pleased you met someone. When I got divorced, the last thing I wanted was another man but I met a lovely one and fortunately my daughters seemed ok with this.

ninathenana Thu 26-May-16 16:33:20

Firstly congratulations 😤
I could way off the mark here but is it possible she's a little jealous? I don't mean of your fiance but of your happiness as a couple. Does she or has she ever had a partner ?

ninathenana Thu 26-May-16 16:34:51

That emoji was supposed to be smile

Leticia Thu 26-May-16 17:15:13

Has she spent time alone with him or only when you are there?
If she hasn't I would suggest that they get to know each other without you around.

Grannyknot Thu 26-May-16 18:17:43

Congrats from me too smile flowers

I know this is off topic but my friend makes me laugh by referring to "Fussbook fighting". It really is more trouble than it's worth sometimes.

I'd just carry on with my plans, put my happiness first, and then maybe ask my daughter at some point "Do you wanna talk about it?" (as Liz suggests).

Luckygirl Thu 26-May-16 19:14:30

Congratulations on your impending nuptials. I am sorry that your DD is struggling with this. Please try not to let it spoil your day. flowers

thatbags Thu 26-May-16 19:36:08

That's a good suggestion, gknot.

Put bluntly, it isn't really any of your daughter's business, ziggy, whether you get married again and she certainly has no business being difficult about it. In short, she's being rude. I think grannyknot is quite right and you should just get on with your plans calmly and quietly and try to shrug off your daughter's difficultness. Some people just are difficult when they needn't be.

Jalima Thu 26-May-16 19:55:15

Ooh, I think that's a bit harsh thatbags shock

She may be 26 but she lost her father at a sensitive age and if she doesn't really know her future step-father then she may feel apprehensive and worried about her relationship with her mother when mum re-marries, as well as any relationship with a step-father. Ziggy also said that she has a new job and has moved to a new area - further away from her DD? Does DD need support as she has dispraxia or can she cope well by herself?

I agree, I don't think she should be unkind to her sil or cause disruption, but I think she will need some tlc and perhaps some heart-to-heart chats with her mum to enable her to rationalise her feelings.

Hope all goes well.

Jalima Thu 26-May-16 19:58:15

Children with dyspraxia may behave immaturely even though they typically have average or above-average intelligence. Kids don’t outgrow dyspraxia.
So her reactions may not be those one would expect from someone who does not have her problems.

thatbags Thu 26-May-16 20:07:28

I didn't say her problems were her fault, jalima, nor do I necessarily think they are, but they are not her mother's fault either, and although the daughter may not be intending to be rude, that is in fact what is happening. It really isn't any of her business.

Besides, what other approach than shrugging it off is practical?

thatbags Thu 26-May-16 20:10:34

She's had two years to get used to the chap and with her mother's relationship with him. She may need professional help with her problem. It's still none of her business and I think it would help her if she understood that.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 26-May-16 20:14:40

I agree with bags. It's your life and your happiness you need to be thinking about. Just carry on with your plans. At twenty six she is old enough to sort her own feelings out. Best wishes to you. smile

thatbags Thu 26-May-16 20:18:05

Gransnet is funny. When people complain about problems with the partners and families of offspring, people say: Back off; live your own life! When people complain about offspring not liking them getting on with their own lives, people say: Consider the adult children!

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 26-May-16 20:22:33

She is old enough to find her own support in handling her feelings. Is she in touch with a support group? You can't let her problems spoil your life. She will get used to your new arrangements given time.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 26-May-16 20:23:21

Be kind to her, but be firm.

shelana Fri 27-May-16 09:56:02

I had the same problems with my future husband's daughter.I think she felt she had everything to lose and nothing to gain...as,having divorced her husband and having problems,financially and otherwise she relied heavily on her father.Other members of the family reasoned with her that her father's future happiness was at stake.She gradually came to see me as a friend and not a threat, I am glad to say.Every blessing to you.

Granny2016 Fri 27-May-16 11:48:52

It seems that your daughter left for Uni around the time that her father died.That must have been difficult for you both,but your daughter would have the assurance that mum was still there in the family home for her emotional support.
Mum having a new man as opposed to a new husband are not comparable.
A new man could leave the scene,but by becoming the husband,he becomes a more permanent fixture,and an equal partner.
I expect your daughter is floundering,as the dynamics of the relationship has now shifted.She would have viewed her visits to mum as going home,whereas she will now be a visitor.
Have a good heart to heart with her,she is sad.

Nonnie1 Fri 27-May-16 12:14:16

Is she feeling like she has lost touch since she has been away and life has moved on and left her behind?

Include her in everything and ask her advice is my thought on this

Good luck !

homefarm Fri 27-May-16 12:31:06

It sounds to me as if you've all lost the plot. Just get married, she'll soon get used to the change.

Synonymous Fri 27-May-16 12:56:30

Ziggy I just wonder what is your fiance's take on all this and is he supportive of your daughter? Have they made friends? Is he fully aware of what dyspraxia actually is?
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems but sometimes there can be a simple answer and your DD may well just be picking up on your anxiety for her and that all will be well.
I think I would carry on with the wedding plans, ensuring you include your DD is some of them, and just assume that all will be well. It probably will be but you shouldn't sacrifice your future happiness anyway. Wishing you all the very best! flowerssmile

Synonymous Fri 27-May-16 12:58:42

in not is!

NotSpaghetti Fri 27-May-16 13:35:35

Getting married and living together are very different. No idea why.
I felt that when my oldest got married.... And now again when my youngest is going to.
Maybe it's the idea of forever but I think it's the underscoring of newer and altered relationships.
Obviously your daughter would feel this shift more than a daughter in law as they start off from a different place.
Personally I'd just reassure her that she'll always be important and that you love her and that everything between you and her will stay the same.... And then I'd be watchful of myself for a while to make sure it did!

TriciaF Fri 27-May-16 13:39:32

Unless your late husband was horrible to her or you she will still have strong feelings for him and doesn't want to betray him by supporting the person about to take his place. It's the same for sons when their mother dies and father remarries - the old step-parent dilemma.
It's quite a normal reaction, in fact shows she has a loyal nature. As others have said you need to get on with your life with your new partner, and unfortunately for her it's just tough - but she has her own life to lead too.

Brummiegran Fri 27-May-16 13:53:33

Just a thought. You say your DinL is helping with the arrangements, why not you DD? Perhaps she is feeling left out of things? Has she been given a role in the forthcoming event?