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This will cause a hoo ha !

(161 Posts)
NanKate Thu 18-Aug-16 21:26:48

We have our two wonderful GSs and their mum staying with us for a week. We have had a fabulous time but at times they go completely over the top with their behaviour. The eldest 5 year old said to his mum 'how many warnings are you giving us this time?'.

Because they are no real deterrents against their misdemeanours, other then the usual naughty step, removal of privileges, sent to bedroom, etc they run riot. I know boys can be full on but at times I feel they need a short sharp light smack on the bottom, but of course in this day an age this is a complete no no.

My mum in the 1950s occasionally smacked my hand and I learned quickly to behave myself.

Does anyone else feel tempted for a quick bit of a non violent reprimand or can you manage to keep the peace in a different way ?

TriciaF Mon 22-Aug-16 19:00:13

Exactly Elegran. As in a thread about positive songs Accentuate the Positive
Eliminate the negative.
A sense of humour helps too.

whitewave Mon 22-Aug-16 19:19:21

I do take some peoples points about the child's character.
My two whilst entirely different in character were always "good" children, and their school always remarked on it. My two GSs are the same and according to the school show a high level of maturity. They always get given newcomers to mentor. My eldest GS was reported by his work experience placement as have a high level of maturity and integrity. So I as well as my DD are probably lucky,with easy children which helps I guess.

Elegran Mon 22-Aug-16 19:38:59

I have noticed something some people do when very small children do something that, though it is not "naughty" in a child that age, is going to be considered naughty when they are a bit older.

They laugh at the child and cuddle him/her and generally behave so that it seems it was very clever and funny and they approve. Now, they are not going to approve when a child a couple of years older pinches their face until it hurts, or grabs something that they value and dashes it to the ground, or unexpectedly does something potentially dangerous, so at some point they are going to have to stop rewarding them for doing it and start discouraging it, and the sooner the better.

If he/she is doing something you don't want them to, say something in a disaproving voice, almost anything, it doesn't necessarily always have to be "No!" as it is the voice that will register at first. At the same time, firmly remove them bodily from the temptation to continue, decisively enough to make them pay attention, and plonk them down out of sight, if possible, of the scene of the crime. If you are cuddling them and they do that tiny but very painful pinch, put them down as you speak. Don't let it become fun, where you try to move your face out of reach and they follow it to catch you and do it again.

What you are trying to do is to connect the "bad" behaviour with being spoken to sternly, and connect being spoken to sternly with being suddenly and unpleasantly removed from the jolly cuddle or the fascinating danger.

Then be loving again and start the distraction part to give them something new and interesting - which will seem much nicer after that abrupt move and that cross voice that the previous action produced.

If returning to the cuddle just gets you another pinch - repeat the prescription. It could take quite a few repeats with a determined child, but you have the advantage of knowing the end result you want to achieve!

thatbags Mon 22-Aug-16 19:55:17

That is a very good approach to have, elegran, and in theory it's what I always tried to do. However, when DD1, aged two, bit me hard on the nipple through my clothes when I was conversing with my father, my 'animal instincts' of self-protection took over and I pushed her off my lap while uttering a sharp sharp screech of pain.

I regret nothing of what I did on that occasion. I didn't regret it then and I don't now, thirty-odd years later. It was a natural reaction. Children can (and she did!) learn very quickly from such natural and automatic reactions. It wasn't a punishment; it was a simple reaction. She understood and was not in the least traumatised.

One can theorise too much about proper child-rearing I think.

thatbags Mon 22-Aug-16 19:55:58

Which last sentence of mine is not a criticism of your offering, elegran, just a general remark, as I'm sure you understand.

Elegran Mon 22-Aug-16 20:31:31

I am in complete agreement. You can theorise too hard. That is why mothers can get so uptight about how to raise children. For every piece of "expert advice" there are ten other pieces of completely conflicting "evidence". Writing child-care books is a major industry.

If you keep in mind the kind of child you have been blessed with, and how you hope they will grow up, remember that they are individual people not clones of you, and then follow your instincts, you have done your best.

Jalima Mon 22-Aug-16 20:39:40

My two whilst entirely different in character were always "good" children, and their school always remarked on it. My two GSs are the same and according to the school show a high level of maturity.

WW My DD was never 'easy'! and I confess to anyone reading that I did smack her once or twice and was known to shout on occasion (well, more than one occasion). However, she was (and is) generous to a fault, empathatic (confronted the bullies at school on behalf of someone else), brave, fearless, and showed a high level of maturity from an early age. But never easy, and not always 'good'!
However, she does remember me as a very patient mother confused
ps the others are great as well, but never 'easy' and not always 'good'!
Although they may have squabbled at home, the schools always remarked on how united they were and how they always stuck up for each other against bullies.
Can't ask for more.

Jalima Mon 22-Aug-16 20:40:43

'as being a very patient mother' !!

SueDonim Mon 22-Aug-16 22:04:54

I haven't forgotten being smacked in childhood and I know plenty of others the same, who've tried to raise their children without resorting to physical punishment.

Jalima Tue 23-Aug-16 09:46:57

That was my intention too, SueDonim and I tried because I was brought up without being smacked.
When I say I once or twice I mean that literally.